My name is Kyle Sivers, I am a 24 year old male living with severe anxiety, depression and severe unhappiness. Every day is a big struggle for me. I am not sure how this has all happened yet I can only assure you that my life is short of being like hell.
I come from a small place called Gibraltar in which I have always lead a nice life very active and sporty. After finishing A levels at high school, I came to the UK to study where my nightmare started.
It all started during the second year of my university years for no reason. I have always suffered from my shoulder as from when I was around 17 having swam and played water polo nationally since a young age. Nevertheless my mental problems and the anxiety feelings were non-existent yet.
A few years ago I started to feel very weird. For some reason or another I started to wake up with big headaches, my eyes would hurt and my shoulders, neck and jaw would be tighter than could have possibly imagined. I thought it was some sort of injury from sports as I used to be very sporty until I came to the UK to study where the cold probably prohibited me from being as active I was in Gibraltar. Also the distance probably had a lot to do as Gibraltar is very small. Nevertheless I started having problems with my shoulders in which they were always very tense and my jaw would lock all the time.
I started to feel very anxious and had a few spells of panic attacks yet I could beat them by staying positive and going out and keeping busy.
Last year, my problems started getting worse. I finished my studies, my friends all went back to Gibraltar, as I came and lived with few people from back home here in the UK, and I started to socialize less. Nevertheless part of the lack of socialising began because I started to feel awful mentally and physically and always in pain.
Admittedly I do smoke cannabis, and I found myself smoking more to ease the pain and forget about all the pain and suffering I was going through and I don’t think it has done any good for me yet it does so for the period that I was high if you like.
Nevertheless at this point, my jaw would always been tense and eyes, neck and shoulders and my days went from being a regular’ish guy to a guy who spent his days fighting the tightness in his neck, jaw etc. and controlling his headaches at all times. My heart would always be pounding and my chest felt like it was going to burst. I felt nervous all the time and my concentration level, as well as memory went from normal to awful. I felt like I was losing my mind. To this day I haven’t felt better. I have no control of my mind and body. I am not unable of following routine or normal daily activities as before such as watching a series, following a film, reading a book or watching my sports. I find it hard to write or speak also. Words are always dull, mumbled and negative and my moods have also changed dramatically. I have bursts of anger and shout and treat the people I most love very badly.
I also have found that my spirit is always low yet I think that Is because of the pain I am in 24 hours a day.
I started work in Jan 12 where I worked as a credit controller. This was hell for me. This was the only job I could find in 6 months due to the “recession” hitting hard in the UK. Work was stressful admittedly but I guess what was stressful was the fact that I had to be very sharp at work and I felt like I was in bubble/dream all day and I couldn’t concentrate, I would forget what a client told me a second ago and my days where hectic. I couldn’t keep track of what I was doing and I was going through hell. I finished work about a month ago now and tomorrow I start a new job. Nevertheless I am not looking forward to working because I do not feel very well myself and dead having to meet new people and act normally when I know that I feel like shit ALL THE TIME.
My neck, jaw and eyes as well as head is in PAIN all the time and I feel more depressed than ever as the pain doesn’t go away. I am depressed because I am in pain, and I am in pain because I am depressed if it makes sense. It is a vicious cycle. I want to cry but I cannot even cry. I want to shout but I can’t. I want to just bang my head against the wall and end it all.
I forget things all the time, like that I need to go to the toilet I go up to the first floor, and I forget why I was there. I go to the shop and forget and wonder off elsewhere. It is weird; it feels like I am in a rush everywhere and everything gets on my nerves. I go to the city centre to spend the day window shopping or go to play football with some friends and I have the inability to describe what I have done or been through or I completely forget. Having a conversation is recently impossible.
I live with my girlfriend, and I know she is having to put up with a lot, which I truly respect and love her for but I am not interested in sex, in spending time doing things together, and believe you me I’m trying, as I find it hard to have a conversation or talk about things. It’s just hard.
I see my friends, and I get very panicky, they think I’m going crazy. I find it hard to trust somebody to talk about my problems, and at the same time it’s hard for people to having to listen to problems all the time so it’s even harder for me to feel better at myself hence why I am writing here to find people out there who feel the same. My patience is worse than ever. I find it hard to sit down and watch a film or do something relaxing.
I have been to see every doctor you can imagine, had every scan you can imagine and they all come back as normal. I have spent a lot of money on chiropractic therapy as well as seeing physiatrists etc. recently I have been seeing an osteopath who works with the Olympic squad here in the UK, he is brilliant yet the solutions are short term.
I am very sceptical about taking medicines, like anti-depressants etc. as we all know these are very strong medicines that can leave you feeling worse in the end so I would like to ask you about other remedies which you might have learnt in order to deal with your situation.
I sincerely do feel SOOOO much better when I exercise. I feel great, yet shortly after my migraines come back, my neck gets tense and so does the jaw, eyes and shoulders. Furthermore with my chrons disease in which I feel tired all the time, going to exercise is an even bigger struggle so the life I’m living is entirely awful.
Thanks for listening and I hope you all truly take this seriously as I really need help as the doctors are not helping.
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