Random thoughts

[Hypo]

This will probably be a random mess of thoughts but I need to get things off my chest.

I have five children, two with special needs and a husband with bi-polar. My life is busy and stressful. So why is it that I spend more time worrying about dying than anything else?

I have been worried about skin cancer.. I have a dark mole on my back and the GP said it was fine on Thursday. It is 2mm and been there for over 7 years at least. It never bothered me until now.

I have to look in a mirror to see it and I have managed to NOT look since Thursday but every day I want to take a look but I know that will bring the panic on. My husband says he would tell me if anything on me looked suspicious so I am to trust him and not my head and the mirror. Yet not looking is making me feel all sorts of out of control.

Is that the key to getting over it? to fully accept that for the most part, life IS out of our control? should we try to accept that tomorrow I could wake up and find a lump in my breast or something but even if I do, it doesn't mean it's the end of my life.. treatment is available now. Maybe I need to stop trying to control this. I can't control if I get cancer or not, I can only lower the odds by looking after myself better.

I am 31 years old and I should NOT be this scared all the time. I feel like my children look to me to make them feel safe and that is what I do, but I don't feel safe myself, I feel like a kid in a woman's body who is more scared of life than my children are.

When will I be able to tell myself that I am an adult, a mother and a wife and if I DO get a lump or a mole turns bad I can actually deal with it? It's doesn't always mean the end of the world, people recover from cancer all the time!


I don't really know what the point of this is.. I guess I just needed to talk.. well run on.

Please feel free to add your own random thoughts.

[joebloggs]

Hi Hypo. You are really thrashing yourself aren't you? I had a mole on my back for some years and, boy, did I worry. Doctors advice was disregarded but after a year or so it withered and disappeared. Now this may not be any consolation to you but if your GP has looked at your mole and pronounced it OK then please believe him/her.
This kind of disease is easily diagnosed and it would have to be a pretty poor doctor who did not recognise it.
You have become obsessed with this and it is ruling your life. Can you take your GP's word for it and accept it for the moment? OK, so look at it all day if you must, but do not be so impressed by it. You say you managed not to look. Well, look, but have faith in your GP's word.
You are not 'out of control'. Far from it. The fact that you came on this site proves that. The only control we have over our life is the way we think about events. Shakespeare said, "There is nothing good or bad but thinking makes it so" I think he was right. Best wishes and look after yourself. joe.