I'm so sick of this

[W.I.F.T.S.]

How are the majority of people able to get on with life without worrying about death? I feel horrible, I feel like i don't want to take part in life. I just want to be like everyone else.

Looking at it objectively I can kind of see that it's because I'm so tense and depressed that I worry excessively and have such morbid thoughts. That if i wasn't ill I wouldn't have these thoughts.

It's just so frustrating. I feel like I experience life differently from most people. Even when i have been getting better I don't seem to be able to cross the line back into feeling normal. It must be that there is an anxiety level and once you drop below it you start to relax, but I just can't seem to bring myself down that far.

I just don't understand how people can accept that they will one day die calmly. I guess they presume that it won't be for years, but it might be tomorrow.

I just want to be better. I'm so sick of this.

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

[JessicaRae]

I feel the same way. Sometimes i will just sit there and cry my eyes out becuase i am so scared. Not only am i scared of dying but i'm scared of the people close to me dying and honestly thats something i can't get over. But i try to look at it like, you never know what the future holds, but try to live your life for today and not scared of tomorrow. It's a scary thing to deal with, but i guess thats life, right?

xoxo
Jessica

[juju]

hi
i also thought like this, but what i was advised to do was face your worst scenario no matter the panic, and then change the image to a peaceful one, dont know if it works but im just hoping euthanasia is in force then lol. its not so much the dying with me it used to be but now its the old woman, frail and in pain bit (hence the euthanasia), i saw my mother in law a few weeks ago just after she had died, and it was the first time to see something like this, and i think thats when i lost the fear of dying because she looked so at peace, almost beautiful, so i can only think of dying and death as pure peace, and free from pain now
julie

we are all stronger people after having this

[W.I.F.T.S.]

We depression definitely stems from an overwhelming sense of fear, frustration and lack of confidence.

I always seem to get myself into lose-lose situations, especially with relationships and, even though I recognise it and try and think positively, the negativity overwhelms me.

I've had two major relationships. In the first one she was 16 years older than me and I moved to London to be with her. She cheated on me a lot. Some of the things that she said to be were very cruel and I often found her behaviour infuriating. For example, it was her flat and I was on a low wage, so I used to get the shopping and pay whenever we went out for something to eat or drink. I presumed that she paid the bills. One time I got a new job and I did really well and got a £600 pound bonus one week- she immediately took that off me to pay for bills and actually had a go at me for not paying my way and contributing enough!! I know I was passive, but she made me feel really guilty (a real trigger emotion with me). I was in that relationship for a long time where I was thinking 'I wish she'd meet someone else, so that I could get out of this relationship without hurting her', again very passive.

My mentality was that I couldn't stay because her behaviour and her infidelity was dragging me down into depression, but i couldn't leave because I wanted so desperately to stay in London (which I believed that i couldn't do without her), because I'd never find another girlfriend, because home was such a depressing place and because I'd feel like a failure.

In the end I had to leave because my depression and panic attacks got so bad that I needed some respite- not that I got it at home.

With the relatiosnhip that I'm in now, I again feel in a lose-lose situation. I don't find her attractive, she tries to control me and she agitates and irritates me beyond belief. On the otherhand I know that she loves me, I'd have no one to confide in if it wasn't for her and she's so dramatic that she'd probably go to pieces if I left.

The problem that I have with hanging on to these disfunctional relatiosnhips is that I try and be the good guy too much. I roll over and do what the woman wants, which often means that i don't see friends very often. That isn't the whole story though. i can also be very lazy and not make time to see friends, putting too much into the relationship instead. In my first relationship I kept thinking 'I'll get another girlfriend on the side' and then when my girlfriend meets someone else I can step staright into that' or 'If I make friends or get a great job I'll be happy and secure enough to leave her'.

Here's a typical example of my current mrs: We're trying to work to a tight budget, so we divide the money that we have into different envelopes for each week, petrol and 'treats ' envelopes- money that if we don't need it at the end of the month we can get ourselves a treat- a psychological trick to try and get us to spend less. About a week into the month she's feeling low, so she wants to use the money into treats envelope to get herself to cheer herself up!! I explain that we might need that money just to get by, she's going to have to be disciplined. a week later she gets a tax rebate for £100 and spends £50 on a United top, £20 on perfume and £40 on her hair. I'm a bit irked because she keeps complaining that we're not saving up for getting married, but I let her get on with it because it was an unexpected bonus and because it would only come out of next month's wages otherwise.

Money is definitely one of the biggest issues with us. When we first got together I'd moved back from London and lived on £50 per week because I was trying to pay debts off as quickly as I could. Stupidly, when we got together we went crazy and spent thousands on credit cards and loans. We've cut the cards up and we're making slow progress paying the money back. I know it's not just her, but we just can't stick to a budget and it's driving me nuts because I'm working in a job that i absolutely loathe and the debts just don't seem to be mo

[W.I.F.T.S.]

Right now I'm feeling really depressed. I feel really trapped by things that I don't want to do. My mrs is getting on my nerves (but it's not easy to leave her), my job really gets me down (but I'd really struggle to find anything that pays as well), my family are annoying me (but I don't have the money or the confidence to move out), I'm getting on my own nerves by feeling depressed and anxious all the time (but there's no escape from me).

It's so frustrating because I've been trying so hard to cheer myself up: taking up yoga, volunteering, socialising with new people, teaching myself new skills, eating better, going to the gym.... and I still feel like crap.

How do other people cope doing jobs that they don't like? i think I should resign because life is too short to do something that makes you so miserable, but then I can hear my family saying "it's a secure job, you get plenty of time off, it pays relatively well.... what else are you going to do"? I know myself too well. I'd have intentions of getting two jobs, but then I'd ditch one or something wouldn't work out and I'd end up flittling between jobs and be worse off than I am now. I'm trying to do the sensible thing and hang on until I can get qualified as a football coach, but it's so hard thinking that I've got atleast another 6 months doing this and what if i don't get my act together to get out?

Same with the mrs. It would be a huge weight off my shoulders not to have her dragging me down and making me feel anxious, but knowing me I'd probably end up stopping in all the time on my own and that wouldn't be very good for me at all. When I had my last break up I did start off really positively, going to the gym all the time, working on research projects, but things somehow fell away and I ended up alone and miserable.

The reason that I got into this mess in the first place was because I was trying to hold on to a relationship that wasn't working and I made a lot of rash and desperate decisions. I moved out of my then girlfriends flat and moved in with a friend, costing me £440 per month plus bills. I hired a car to drive down to London and leaving my ex-girlfriend's flat I scratched it on a bollard. It was only on the day that my first rent was due out of my bank account that the car hire company claimed £300+ pounds, meaning that I couldn't pay my rent.

In a blind panic I left the job that I was working in at lunch time to try and sort things out with my bank. i was such a wreck and I had to go all over London to do it that I never went back to my job.

About three weeks passed and I couldn't find another job. I used to go out walking for the evening whenever my flat mate came home, so that she wouldn't know that I was out of work. The next rent was due and I couldn't pay that either.

Eventually I came clean to my flat mate and she lent me quite a bit of money. Another mate of mine lent me money and my family did too. I took a job in sales where I was leaving the flat at about 7.30 am and returning about 11.30 pm. I had to travel outside London for it and I was working on 100% commission, so some days it actually cost me to go to work.

In the end my panic attacks and depression were so bad that I had little option but to come home with my tail between my legs.

I got a job and I was fairly optimistic at one point, paying my debts off rapidly and even convincing myself that I was going to be able to buy a sports car and a place of my own. That changed when I met the mrs and spent money like it was going out of fashion.

I've never really got over the trauma of what happened in London and on top of that I have had the frustration, stress and anxiety of my work and home life.

At the moment I'm starting to see glimpses of a more positive life. I do need to be braver though and take more positive action.

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

[freakedout]

Hi WIFTS

I had to reply to your post because you were really supportive to me a couple of weeks ago when I was feeling at rock bottom.

I can truly understand a lot of what you say, especially about being trapped doing things you dont want to do.

I often consider running out of my current life and into a new one, it sounds so easy doesnt it. The thing is that we care about others and dont want to hurt others, but sometimes you have to put yourself first and have a thick skin. It sounds like 'your wedding' that you are supposed to be saving up for might not be a good idea unless you express your feelings. I always beleive it is impossible to change my partner, and thus I have never tried, but believe me there are a hundred and one things that he does that irritate me. I too am passive, anything for an easy life. I tend to keep my mouth shut and put up with things, which in turn drives me slowly mad.

Having depression doesnt help, the low self esteem, I have difficulty thinking constructively and easily slip into self persecuting irrational thoughts. I have read trillions of books about mental illness, depression, panic disorder, agoraphobia, etc etc and all the knowledge I have (although I dare say have forgotten most by now!!!!) does not help me feel better. Hope, when I have it, makes me feel that there must be a point at which things will change for the better. Without hope, is hopelessness, everything seems pointless then.

I am not sure where I am going with this, but I want you to know that I am thinking of you, and your takeaways, with your little envelopes of money. You have written some really inspiring posts on this site. Take ist easy and be kind to yourself. I understand your not wanting to leave London that time. I love the Capital, by comparison its grim up north!!

Just hang on in ther mate.

Freaky

[W.I.F.T.S.]

Aw thanks freaky, that really cheered me up.

I don't know whether you saw a programme on in the week 'Fear of flying' on Channel 4? My mrs taped it for me and I watched it last night and afterwards I went out and I just felt so much more lighter and smilier!! Basically, it's a guy who's a master NLP practioner and he took 40 flying phobics and through different techniques got them to fly (well 38 actually did it). He used visualisations, tapping technique or thought field therapy, anchoring and another technique (which I don't know how to describe) where he got the participants to say what they hated about a particular food and then to speed it up or slow it down in their head until it made no sense and the people couldn't help but fall about laughing- and they ended up eating the food.

You should have seen the change in people. One woman who was so scared of heights that she could only go to about 15 ft was able to go to 240 ft. I really do belive in stuff like that and I know that a shift in mentality is all that it takes for things that are daunting and petrifying to be the best experiences on earth. Look at people who go skydiving, swimming with sharks or even do rollercoasters. They really aren't that different from you and me, it's just psychological. It's just so frustrating trying to get myself to actually commit to using those techniques.

Anyway, I'm having a much better day today than yesterday. Truth be told, even though I'm a born and bred northerner I've always felt much more at home in and around London- strange! Maybe I feel home sick. I keep trying to console myself with the fact that I've got manchester, liverpool and chester less than 30 miles away, I've got north wales, I've got the peaks, I'm not too far from the lake district- not that I go to much of them because I'm a practical agorophobic, but as I get better I would like to- and I'm out of the way of any terrorist attacks!!

People keep saying to me "are you sure you want to get married?". To be honest, I'm not, but it's not the sort of thing that I can easily get out of. I do imagine my perfect woman and things being wonderful, but is that just a fantasy? At the moment she hasn't got the energy to shout at me because she's dosed up on painkillers for her period and it's lovely, she's really sweet and soft. I know that she's very insecure and tense and that that is the reason she's so aggressive. There is a girl that she's met through the football team that I set up and she gets on really well with her. When she comes back from holiday they're going to the gym together and they're going to do classes and even go away together- something which she gets very frustrated with me about because I daren't go very far. And I think that's great cos it will hopefully chill her out, it will give me a bit of breathing space and hopefully I'll feel like I'm missing out and push myself to go away too.

It's hard though, because it all feels like idealised thinking- or is that me being negative again, it's so hard to tell.

Anyway, thanks a lot freaky, you really put a smile on my face and, so far, this bank holiday weekend hasn't been as bad as I thought it might be!!

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

[freakedout]

WIFTS

Glad to read that you are feeling a bit brighter.

I just went through a 5hour programme via CD for smoking cessation which used cognitive therapy and NLP. The CDs were really good, and ended with a relaxation followed by this guy reeling off all this stuff about "now you feel wonderful, full of life, amazing ..." etc etc, a bit OTT. All his positive words made me cry as I listened because I did not feel wonderful, or full of life etc, and it just made me realise even more that I am depressed and 'not normal'.

Just getting by day by day is what I manage best for now. I have plans for the future, many are in my dreams I know, but that is where hope comes in. Many times I have no hope but when I have I know that I am not feeling so bad. Its sounds like we live near each other, I am in Lancashire.

Well I will sign off for now.
Freaky

[bluebottle]

WIFTS,

Your in a relationship that you don't want to be in, you can't be yourself, it would be very difficult not to be depressed in that situation. I've been there so I can empathize. All I can say is a bit of courage and pain now could save you a lifetime of unhappiness.

Good luck, keep posting YOUR REAL thoughts.


--
Blue -
"Your truth is better for you than someone else's. Just get to know what it is, so you can finally own it, and speak it."

[W.I.F.T.S.]

To be honest, I'm not sure if this relationship is bad for me or not. She's very tense herself, which doesn't help me, but she loves me sincerely and she's been really loyal to me through the most trying of times, when not many other people wanted to know. I think that if we can establish our own independence and have friends and interests outside of our relationship that it would be a good thing.

If she can go away with her mates it would take the pressure off me to do something that I'm not ready to do and give me an opportunity to have a bit of my own space. Plus it would probably make me jealous and encourage me to want to go away too.

Ideally I'd like to meet someone who really understands me, who can show me things that I've never seen before and allow me to see the world through different eyes- but I might spend all my life looking for that. I'm not the easiest of people to get along with and I can't readily think of anyone that I'd be more suited to.

Maybe I just have to stick with it and we can learn to understand and compliment each other better. When she makes an effort we get along great.

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.