Fear I reinforced my blurting something offensive fear with this behavior :(

[Ditapage]

On top of fear of balconies in case I jump, and throwing hot coffee on people, and obsessing about body image, I have the intrusive thought of blurting out something offensive that I don't mean to loved ones. This thought doesn't come up in my head if I'm around people who don't mean anything to me. But whenever I'm around people I'm most afraid of offending, the thought is there, making it very distressing.

My initial worry was I have tourettes but I've had this intrusive thought for 5 months now and never acted on it. I figured if it was tourettes, I wouldn't have been able to control it for this long. And it's not like once I leave the room, I have to say it. The urge is only there when the person is, and it makes me feel ill. The other night I was having dinner with my boyfriends family and the fact his parents like and approve of me is too good to be true. I keep having the distressing thought of insulting them to their face and their reaction is my worst fear. And there's a physical response to that thought. I start feeling really anxious and I couldn't even eat... you'd think if there was food in my mouth I'd be confident I wouldn't blurt anything out, but I convinced myself that I would spit out the food AND insult them at the same time. The image of that in my head made me want to vomit on the spot. Other behaviors are biting my knuckle. Sometimes the fight or flight response is triggered by these thoughts.

In my rational mind I don't want to say anything. I don't want to ruin this GOOD thing. But the OCD tells me I have no self control and I WILL make these people hate me. I'm scared now that my behaviors - like not eating and feeling like I wanted to vomit, and biting my knuckle, just reinforced my fear that I'll say something. And the strange thing was it was strongest when we were all sitting at the table. Once people finished their meal and started moving around, I was less anxious and the thought went completely away.


It's completely against my nature to say anything... I guess thats why this is so upsetting. Has anyone experienced this and what worked to fight it? I'm desperate and exhausted. I'd greatly appreciate any insight.

[Pseudonym]

Just speculation, but I wonder if in your upbringing you might have been ignored or neglected in some way and the urge to blurt out the offensive words is a move to put you back into that familiar territory of being the outcast where you understand the feelings and can operate and feel safe. When folk leave the table the urge passes as its easier for you to avoid their direct attention. As i say, this is just wild guesswork - ditch it straight away if it doesn't feel right.

I have the urge to grab my therapist's plant pot and hurl it through his window. Yes, we are uncovering my suppressed anger. :-D

[Baggs]

Hi Dita,
It may be that this kind of feeling is more common than you think. I don't have the urge to say things but to harm people. I live alone but see my uncle quite often and if we are washing up and I am drying a knife and his back is towards me.......ffs. But thoughts/feelings and actions are quite different. We may not be able to control our thoughts but we can control our actions. I'm glad you have such a good thing and I wish you all the best.

Baggs

[HeadInAJar]

People who dont suffer with any kind of mental illness have these kinds of thoughts and urges too, its part of the normal functioning of the mind. They just dont put as much weight to them as we do. As you said above, "It's completely against my nature to say anything... I guess thats why this is so upsetting". Yes, if a thought was with your nature, say you loved reading and you thought "im going to read now", you wouldnt worry. If you had a phobia of books/reading, you would find it distressing.

As Baggs said, thoughts and actions are different things. You cannot control your thoughts, so try not to fret about them. Your actions you can though.