Does this sound silly?

[drstock]

Hi does this sound silly. Personally i am usually a happy soul bit bubbly but also can be grumpy and i think i have always been a bit anxious.Up until a few months ago i was motoring along in life, i am well educated, i have a lovely wife and 2 great kids, my own home, car etc. I was just finishing my teaching qualification and being paid great money for lecturing when zap it all came down on me, i think that its the stress (teaching, teaching placement, no support, bullying at work, difficult teaching course) and coming off effexor(after 11yrs) that did this, however it happened once before 11 years ago and i was'nt on effexor then. Does this mean i cant take any stress? My anxiety now is bad enough that i cant even concentrate on sorting any other menial tasks out let alone trying to get a job back in teaching. All through this the main thing that has been fuelling my anxiety etc is that i think i will never get another job again, is this silly? At nights i feel better and my complexion changes, however come morning the despair starts again. I applied for a job teaching whilst in the midst of this and only lasted a day and had the worst panic attacks ever, now i am unsure and feel upset and then the anxiety gets me again and depressive thoughts start. Do i sound silly, i feel embarrassed that i am like this, is that selfish.

[Annie0904]

Don't be embarrassed that you feel like this, I am just the same. I am wondering if I will ever be able to get back to work but I am sure that this is going to improve. Treat it as an illness just like any other illness and your mind and body need time to heal. Maybe you should see your doctor for some medication and also CBT?

[drstock]

Hi at the moment i am on 30mg duloxetine, however after 2 weeks i went up to 60mg and it made my anxiety all come flooding back worse, as we speak i have been back on 30mg for 5 days and i think that it is relenting slightly. Whilst on 30 at the start i was starting feeling better so i am thinking that upping the dose was to blame? Have you been off work long, i had to quit my job as it was the main stress part of me becoming anxious (no support, bullying). What does your thoughts tell you about work, is it depression taht tells us these things?

[Tufty]

Sounds a similar story to mine and I've often questioned is it just that I cannot handle stress, I seem to sail along for years without a problem, though taking a low dose of antidepressant, and then wham it hits me and its not even when something major happens it just seems to be the build up of all life's normal stressors.
You do not sound silly or selfish, you got through that episode 11 years ago and have done lots of things to be proud of since then that have taken hard work, perseverance and inevitable stress. What your suffering with now is the result of the stopping medication and the stress of the last few years. Taking on a new job in the height of this episode was maybe not one of your better ideas, I can see the logic though and it could of been just what you needed, but unfortunately it wasn't to be.
At the moment your confidence is low, you are in this cycle of questioning if you can cope and will your life ever get back to normal which increases your anxiety and leads to depression. You are in the midst of the illness when this ruminating dominates nearly every waking moment, that is the nature of the beast.
However, please hold on to the fact that this will pass, with time, medication, CBT whatever works for you, it cannot last. Try not to question when, how, what if etc, just accept that this is how you feel at this moment and try to make the best of it, take small steps to increase your confidence and reward yourself everyday. You will go back to teaching and you will be an excellent teacher because you have passion, are self motivated and care, this is clear from your posts. What you are feeling and thinking at the moment is not real, it may feel real but it is not the true you, you're so much more than this illness. This is a temporary blip, ride it out, get all the help you can and take care
Love Sam x

[drstock]

Hi Samhar, thanks for your reply, it sorta inspired me. I guess i am impatient and want to be well as usually i am active and kinda happy, however the effexor was messing my liver up so i had to come off it. The last year of teacher training was a nightmare but i never spotted it happening. Now i am feeling guilty and embarrassed because i am out of work and so i leap into applying for jobs which realistically as i am still ill they make me worse. How do you cope, what are your thoughts like?

[Tufty]

Luckily I've kept my job, I had 12 weeks off last year and in hindsight I went back before I was ready and have struggled through the last 6 months, I'm now off work again, only 2 weeks so far after restarting meds. So how do I cope? I plod onwards, I plan small things to do each day, I try to exercise daily but most importantly I try to constantly remind myself that this is only temporary and that my thoughts are not reality. It continues to be very hard and at times I despair and wonder how I will survive the day, like you I have everything I need and want in my life except a feeling of wellbeing and contentness. I've run a marathon, given birth without painkillers, sat exams at uni, had the usual life experiences but nothing is as difficult as this. Like most people I'm much better at giving advice than taking and listening to my own.
Without medication my thoughts are panic based, the how will I be able to cope with this or that, this then leads to depression. When starting medication I start thinking 'what if it doesn't work', 'what if I get worse', 'what if, what if ...', I have moments of total despair and terror and spend most of my days thinking about just how bad I feel. Realistically I know that the medication will work, hence my belief in the faulty thinking - it's just all part of the journey
x

[Annie0904]

Hi at the moment i am on 30mg duloxetine, however after 2 weeks i went up to 60mg and it made my anxiety all come flooding back worse, as we speak i have been back on 30mg for 5 days and i think that it is relenting slightly. Whilst on 30 at the start i was starting feeling better so i am thinking that upping the dose was to blame? Have you been off work long, i had to quit my job as it was the main stress part of me becoming anxious (no support, bullying). What does your thoughts tell you about work, is it depression taht tells us these things?

I have been off work since June but that was because I broke 2 metatarsals in my foot and they took a long time to heal. This triggered my anxiety again. I have had anxiety before but it was more or less under control until the accident. I work in a school and feel really guilty about letting students down etc. but know from experience that if I go back too soon I will make myself worse. It is best to let meds settle and any therapy before returning to work.

[Tessie28]

drstock, no, no this is quite normal for teachers!!!!!!!!!!!! I have just left my full time teaching job after 12 years in a lovely school. However, the pressures had become way too much in recent years. After a 2 week melt down in September I made the decision to go. I was given a fantastic send off last month and felt good about everything until a few days ago. Now back into the anxiety [sorry didn't mean to talk about me] and seeing the Doc tomorrow. For now I have registered with a supply company with a view to working 2 or 3 days per week. don't get me wrong, i may well hate supply but for once I need to be in charge.
The moral of this story is you have to do only what you can cope with. When you are feeling better that might be a good time to look at a permanent job, for now don't put yourself under pressure. Yes, I had to disclose the 2 weeks off work I had had last term to the supply agency but I was upfront about it.
Good teachers tend towards depression and anxiety - I've seen it so many times. It is not a weakness it means we care [albeit too much at times].
I came on here to reassure myself about my situation but if I can in any way help others that helps me too!
Let us know how you go.

[drstock]

Tessie, i wud have loved to have stayed lecturing however i was unable to work with particular people who made my teaching qualification experience horrendous, to the point where in the end the chronic worry and coming off effexor after 11 years left me with nothing to fight with. I have applied to Leicester uni and the closing date is 03/01/2013 and i am still not where i used to be but i am desperate to get back to work and stop feeling this masculine crap of not bringing money in even though we get by. Losing my job left me feeling very vulnearble, almost like a phobia about not being able to provide for my family.

[Tessie28]

Yep, I understand that and good luck with the application. I've the reverse - husband is older and retired. For the last 3 years I've been the main bread winner. I will need to work but for now I need to get better, hang on in there!