A tricky situation - for comments please!

[blueangel]

Hi peeps

I don't come here very often now, but I am watching a situation play out with my in-laws that is affecting the rest of my husband's family. Here we go:

My parents in law are 71 and 68, and both are in pretty good physical health. He has borderline high blood pressure and a bit of back trouble, but other than that, he's OK. She has a number of different anxieties, which manifest themselves in the following ways:

* agoraphobia - she can't really go any further than the village they live in. She won't go in most forms of transport unless there is a dire need for it

* issues with eating and swallowing, and I suspect she has emetophobia, as she has recently developed a thing about getting Norovirus

* separation anxiety - doesn't like my father in law going out or doing anything

* various other OCD-type symptoms - e.g. has recently stopped using her dishwasher at home as she doesn't feel it gets things clean enough

* desire to control father in law - she is constantly telling him that he is "too old" / "not capable" of doing a lot of things

I see them every 2-3 months, and her anxieties seem to be getting incrementally worse, and she won't seek any help, nor discuss it.

I know exactly what mechanisms are going on here, as I am a longterm anxiety and depression sufferer, so I've seen it, done it, got the t-shirt etc. She has made her self a "safe" zone, but the problem with this is that the safe zone gets smaller and smaller, and you end up applying more controls to try and make yourself feel OK.

The big issue here is the effect it is having on the rest of the family. I am watching my father in law getting more and more depressed; he isn't allowed to do anything, and is constantly told he is old and feeble. He is drinking too much, and sleeps for a lot of the day as there isn't anything else for him to do. He used to go to the gym, and go to the snooker hall, and he's not allowed to do this any more. To be honest, I am really concerned that he is literally going to lose the will to live.

The youngest son is now living with them as he gave up his job and he is also depressed (and taking medication). He won't sign on, as the DWP will tell him he has to apply for jobs. On one hand, she will get angry with this, but on the other, she will end up not wanting him to have a job as she will then be able to control this as well.

The other two brothers (including my husband) are tearing their hair out and they don't know what to do. Whenever they want to see their parents, they have to go to see them as she won't leave the village, and like me, they are noticing this downhill slide.

So, what would you do???

[kittikat]

What a difficult situation to find yourself in blueangel. This must be a great strain on both you and your husband.

Is it possible she is exhibiting signs of altzheimers too? My friends mum went through something similar....just a thought. Is there any way that your hubby and his siblings can get her to the doctor or arrange a home visit for her? A 'family' meeting to discuss ways forward? It's a very tough call.

Sorry I cannot be of more help, but she needs to realise she has issues before she will accept help. I am sure it is dragging your father-in-law down...can the boys have a private chat with him about it too and guage his feelings on the situation?

I wish you luck, I hope it doesn't set you back too much. Kitti x

[swgrl09]

Are there things your father-in-law can do outside of his home to distract himself? I don't know the social services system where you live, but here in my state in the US we have an Agency on Aging that provides home health care services (aides, homemakers, visiting nurses) and even respite care to give family caregivers some time off. We also have "Adult Day Care" which provides activities for people to do outside of there home and also local senior centers in every town with exercise groups, craft groups, lunches, concerts, etc.

I mention those because if they are available where you live, it might be nice first for caregivers to come to their home to help with your mom, even psych nurses will visit. Then your father in law can get out and do some things on his own and try to be social.

I know the problem is much deeper than those things alone, but maybe could provide some relief for the caregiving family members.

[Brunette]

This may be harsh but it sees to me that your MIL may be using her anxiety as an excuse for her controlling behaviour.

I also find it somewhat mysterious that a man who knows himself to be fit and well is allowing himself to be persuaded that he is old and incapable and also seems willing to accept that there are things he is and isn't "allowed" to do - in letting this happen he is colluding with his wife's behaviour. He needs to learn to be assertive and regain some of his independence, as does the live-at-home son.

I agree that some form of "family meeting", perhaps in the presence for a counsellor would be in order. Your MIL needs to realise that her own issues, however genuine, do not give her the right to drag other people down with her and the husband and son, as much as they might love her, need to stop allowing her to dictate their lives.

[jayjoe18]

Is it possible for some sort of family meeting to sit everyone down to talk about it? I don't know if it's possible to do it with a professional involved too? I know it must be difficult if she doesn't want to seek any help and will not leave the village. It may sound drastic and cruel but maybe you could arrange a family get together at their house and have their GP come over for a house visit at the same time? It sounds like a tough situation to be in for you all, good luck x

[blueangel]

Many thanks for the feedback, and there are some very good points here.

One of the problems that my father in law has is that he used to do a very high-powered job and was away a lot, very tied up with work all the time etc., and I think he feels he is now repaying the debt for all the times that he wasn't around, but it's very clear that this isn't a good life choice for him.

He's very over-protective of her and sadly I suspect that he thinks that he is supporting her by being there all the time for her, and is sacrificing himself rather than do anything which would cause her any upset.

Brunette - you're spot on. I think she may know exactly what she's doing in terms of all the controls she's exerting (she's completely compos mentis), but is choosing not to notice that it is dragging everyone else down.

I think my husband and his other brother are going to have a pow-wow about this soon as they're coming to the conclusion that they can't just leave everything as it is.

I'll keep you posted!