Torturing Myself over a Girl!

[Bakerboy3685]

First of all a Happy New Year to all on this site!

Wishing I wasn't writing this but really don't know where to turn. I make no secret of the fact that I am quite lonely and do not have many friends close by, which is why I am always a lot happier when in a relationship with someone.

After breaking up with my ex after 2 and a half years last year, I met a new girl in December who I really like. I went on quite a few dates throughout second half of last year, but finally think she is someone who I could see myself with.

The problem is after 3 positive dates including a lovely day on Saturday, I am just beside myself with anxiety and worry that she will no longer want to see me. She said she really enjoyed my company so far but despite that, all I think of is what if she changes her mind? I'm not someone who falls in love straight away and I know that relationships take time to develop, but I really can't stand how awful my anxiety is making me feel right now.

We have been texting each other quite a bit but even then I still just panic that I will get a message saying I think we should leave things or worse still, just get ignored completely. I want to be happy in life but right now all I worry about is how awful I am going to feel if things come to an end with her. At the same time the anxiety of "what if" it comes to an end means I am miserable most of the day. I cried Sunday night simply because I was sick of feeling like this and I don't know how it will stop.

Do others suffer the same problems, should I be looking at getting some proper help like counselling?

[WildestDreams]

Hi, Bakerboy3685! Sorry to hear your are giving yourself a hard time. I have had feelings like this before and I thought it was literally going to drive me mad! But by the sound of it you have no reason to worry about your relationship so you are creating a problem that doesn't exist. She clearly likes you and enjoys spending time with you so maybe the real problem is how you feel about yourself.

Just say to yourself something like 'I am a nice person and she enjoys my company and I deserve to be loved.' Say it over and over again. Look at yourself in the mirror and say it to yourself! Say it and really mean it because it's true!

Just try to think positive thoughts about yourself and your future with this girl. It can't do any harm and whatever happens, you will feel better about yourself.

[Bakerboy3685]

Thanks for your reply, appreciate you reading my post.

I have had problems in the past with my self esteem, I know that I am a nice person, sometimes I think too nice. Although I don't think I am partiularly good looking.

It's nice that this girl does like me so far, but I just can't seem to think positive thoughts ever because I think the moment I do that, things will go wrong. I see my life like a game of snakes and ladders and as soon as I start making a bit of progress, I am just so scared of hitting the big snake and going back to the start again! The more it happens, the more difficlut I find it to recover and the more my confidence goes.

[WildestDreams]

Why do you think things will go wrong if you think positive thoughts? Isn't thinking positively more likely to produce positive results? Or at least, thinking positively will help us cope better if things do go wrong.

O.K., Snakes and Ladders. That game is about luck, right? We can't control where our piece will land on the board. Just like in life, we can't control our future but we can control how we react to the things that happen to us.

You get a ladder, great! Now whether we think positively or negatively our next throw of the dice could either be good or bad or indifferent. But even if we do get the big snake, having a positive attitude will make it seem less important. If you think 'Oh no, it's happened again! All that effort wasted!' you will feel like crap and make yourself feel worse. But if you just say 'O.K., down the snake I go! No problem, I'm still in the game! I'm still a great person!' you will feel more positive about it.

Thinking is just (I should say 'just'!) a habit. For whatever reason you have got into the habit of thinking negatively. But now you can choose to make the effort to think positively. And it will be an effort! But thinking positively can only improve your life!

You could even get some post-it notes and stick them around your room. Write positive phrases on them and stick them on the mirror, the fridge or anywhere you want!

[Bakerboy3685]

Yeah I do understand what you mean, I guess basically whenever I look forward to something it doesn't go the way I want. For example, I remember years ago really looking forward to playing football at school and when I did it always turned out rubbish and I played poor or didn't enjoy it. So I stopped looking forward to it and then found those weeks I played better and had a good week. I know that's just an example but that what I mean, I always found being positive led to something not going as well as I hoped.

Guess from a young age I've always been pessimistic rather than optimistic.

I really understand what you mean about snakes and ladders and that is very true life is not something we can control, just like a dice. I think your right about how feelings about myself are low because even if I am myself and a nice guy, I think I would beat myself up if she decided she didn't wanna see me again and think what is wrong with me?

It has been good getting some advice and I am really grateful. I just wish positive thinking was something I could find easy!

[WildestDreams]

Maybe when you were looking forward to football (for example) you were setting your sights too high? If you were telling yourself that you have to score a goal and have to do really well it could have created some stress and anxiety in you and nobody performs well under those conditions.

Or maybe you actually played fairly well but because you weren't scoring goals left right and centre you gave yourself a hard time? Sometimes (for me at least) even just looking forward to something so much creates anxiety and builds up the experience into something I could never live up to. So then when I don't achieve the expected level of success I just beat myself up over it when actually I may have done quite well.

So maybe when you stopped looking forward to football you were actually taking the pressure and stress off yourself so not only did you perform better but had a more positive outlook about your performance because you weren't trying to live up to this perfect game you were supposed to have played? I hope some of this makes sense to you but if not, feel free to say so.

As far as positive thoughts go, I remember talking to a good friend about it years ago. He was saying I should think more positively but I really didn't feel positive at the time. But then I realised that if I don't feel like being positive I could at least stop being so negative. And it worked! Being less negative had the same effect as being more positive. And then as the negativity decreased I just naturally became more positive!

So just try to stop giving yourself a hard time about things. You don't have to be positive if you feel it's too difficult (I know how difficult I find it) but just stop feeding yourself so much negativity and you will naturally feel better.

[Bakerboy3685]

It's been a few days since I was on here as I was feeling a bit better but my anxiety has started to shoot up again.

I get along really well with the girl I have met, but as soon as I go back to being on my own after a date, all I can think about is what if she has a change of heart and breaks up with me? This is how I felt a few years ago and that ended negatively so I guess that's why I think about it happening again.

I can't enjoy the relationship at the moment because all I do is worry the whole time it will end. It's like I could only relax if I could see into the future and know that for at least the next few months things will be ok.

I do wish I had more friends because the worry of being alone in the time I'm not with the friends, makes me rely heavily on having a girlfriend. I do not really know how I can increase my friends even though I would like to. I never went to college or university whereas my friends did, so they have a much bigger social circle than me.

My worry is I am going to go through life alone a lot of the time and that thought makes me feel awful because I do not like being by myself, I cope better in a group.

[NoPoet]

Hi, the only thing that is likely to destroy a relationship is this fear that the relationship will end. It will make you clingy and fearful, and it will really start to get on her tits.

The best way to beat this is to build up your own self-confidence. You are probably fearing subconsciously that this girl will somehow suddenly realise you have flaws and problems and these will make her judge you negatively. By extension, a rejection by this girl will be a rejection by all womankind, but that's black and white thinking. One woman does not speak for womankind and she does not have any influence on your destiny - other than what influence you allow her to have.

The best response to this is to cultivate the opinion: "So what? I am flawed because I'm human. I'm supposed to be flawed because nothing and nobody is perfect, that's not how the universe works. Weakness is the beginning of strength. I don't start out strong and get stronger, I start out naive and inexperienced, and gradually earn more experience which helps me to realise what an amazing, confident and likeable person I am. I am becoming strong because I am starting to understand myself and I like the person I am. Other people respond to me with love and affection - I have friends, a family and am seeing a girl who likes me and wants to spend time with me because she doesn't give a shit about my flaws, she sees them as part of the whole me. If people want to judge me on my flaws, they're really just bitter and angry because I am making something of myself and I'm hoping to get into a relationship. I don't have to be perfect at anything - I don't have to be the perfect man, the perfect boyfriend - I just have to be me, and the rest will follow."

[Bakerboy3685]

Many thanks for the reply Pyscho Poet you make a number of very good points and I agree that my anxiety could have a negative impact on a relationship. I do not want to come across desperate so that she gets put off.

I do wish I had more self confidence so it is just a case of trying to build it up. My worry of being alone is a big factor and the one that stays in the back of my mind the whole time I am with someone.

Reading your post about cultivating the opinion is a big help and I keep reading it to myself to try and help me think differently.

[Brunette]

This sounds like classic fear of failure to me. The problem is that it can turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Being afraid to be alone may well end up in you being alone because you can't just relax and see where the relationship leads. The same thing was happening when you were playing football. (As a side note the England football team were diagnosed with suffering from this a few years ago so it can effect groups as well as individuals).

I doubt whether you can get counselling for it but there's certainly lots of information about it on the web. Try Googling.