Newly diagnosed

[Ashtonsmam]

Hi everyone,,i have just recently been diagnosed with PTSD,, heres my story it may be long,,,

i have always suffered with anxiety attacks and limited symptom pnic attacks from being 19,,i was put on seroxat 4 year ago and i worked excellent,,then i fell pregnant and had to wean myself off it,,after i had my baby in may last year i noticed my anxiety coming back on so in july i went back to my dr and asked for the seroxat back,,,my dr told me she didnt want to give me seroxat as it was hard to come off,,i said i managed to come off it fine while pregnant so she gave me it,,,after taking the 1st 1 i didnt feel right but in didnt put it down to the seroxat as i had been fine on it before,,i carried on taking it,,4 days later my life was to change so dramatically,,,the 4th day i took it i had 3 of the worst ever full blown panic attacks i have ever experienced then followed a psychotic episode,,i was "seeing" myself slash my arms with blood everywhere and i was "seeing " myself killing my newborn baby,,i cant explain the feelings i had all i know was i was very very scared as i didnt know if i was going to do the thingfs i was seeing myself doing,,,i couldnt touch or go near my baby i was too scared incase i hurt him,,i couldnt even look at him,,i stopped taking the seroxat straight away as id heard of it doing weird things to other people,,the psychosis lasted around 3 weeks but the symptoms of those panic attacks have never left me,,i cant get what i wanted to do to myself and baby out of my head,,i am always testing myself to see if i still have psychosis,,i constantly think and wonder about what i have been through,,,i was admitted into a mother and baby unit as i eventually had a nervous breakdown i lost my bond with my baby,,i dream about hurting babies and i never stop thinking about it,,im always trying to find answers to why it happened,,i was sooooo happy until i took those seroxat and now im a complete mess,,,im constantly dizzy/off balance,,thumping heart rate,,enhanced vision,,i have depersonalization/derealization,,i am so jumpy all the time,,i hate being onmy own incase the psychosis comes back,,i have developed a vomiting phobia out of the blue since all this happened,,i find the constant panic symptoms very hard to live with and everytime i look at my baby i get an overwhelming feeling of guilt,,my life revolves around what i experienced,,i also have depression,,i have 4 kids and i have never had any problems after having them so the drs dont think it was postnatal but they cant understand why the seroxat affected me the way it did,,i dont know what to do anymore,,i feel so ill all the time,,somedays i just want to die but i know i cant,,why do i have constant symptoms? and why cant i forget what happened to me? why do i have horrible dreams about it? why do smells give me strange feelings? will i ever get better? thankyou for reading my story sorry it was so long,,,love leanne xxx

sadness only leaves you feeling happier

[den64]

hi leanne

oh what a terrible time your having at the moment, i really feel for you but dont give up ask your doctor for all the help you need with the anxiety, anxiety plays nasty tricks on us especially when were feeling vunerable, my sister had the same feelings about her son shortly after she had him, she felt overwhelming guilt because of it, which made her anxiety worse,but with councelling and anxiety classes she got well, so there is light at the end of the tunnel, its just that it takes time to get there, no matter what the anxiety throws at you always remember its false,none of it is true, no matter how terrible it makes you feel, i do hope you get the help you need

take care

denise

[beckssss]

hiya ashtonsmam, I can relate to your posting hun, in september I started on citalopram, only 10mg, the side effects over took my life for over 8 weeks to the point that I could not even leave my house! i had constant panic attacks beyond anything ive ever experienced, i was restless, couldnt sleep, eat, think, and felt aggitated but worst of all within a week of taking the medication i was having what i now know to be intrusive thoughts, like you they included hurting myself, my kids, my husband. ive never had thoughts like this before. im still on the citalopram as the doctor says its catch 22 without the citalopram i have the panic, with them i have the intrusive thoughts etc etc. im having a bit of a set back at the moment, after months of feeling ok im not having the intrusive thoughts, which lead me to have panic attacks. No body has ever said that the citalopram could be the cause of the intrusive thoughts tho... anyone have similar experiences on medication? id be greatful if you would share them.
becks.

[RachelC]

How terrible for you! You shouldn't feel guilty, those thoughts were not a part of you and I bet you are a wonderful mum. The inability to let go of the pain of those initial thoughts may be causing you keep obsessing over them, have you tried seeing a counsellor to work out some of these feelings?
I hope you find some help here, I know I have.

[smudgie]

Hi there

Im so sorry you are going through this terrible time. you cannot blame yourself for what your mind and body do to you. The mind is a very powerful organ that controls your actions , thoughts and feelings.

The drug my not of been right for you now and perhaps your GP should be helping you in different ways.

PTSD is a serious condition that I dont think people realise.

I had it since I was 14yrs old, Im now 38yrs old.

Im a serious self harmer and constantly blame myself for all that goes wrong, I think negative and beleive nothing will ever be positive for me.
I believe my daughter will die and I will lose my hubby that I adore.

If you want to talk to me please see my contacts or take my email
ness688@btinternet.com, Im a great listner and would like to help.

Take care of you
smudgie ( ness )

[wobily_lin]

elo,

So sorry ta here you're story..I have PTSD..for 4 yrs now...crap it is...nightmares..flashbacks.depersonalisation. etc....so many triggers..bummer eh lol...

Guilt is a huge thing with PTSD, for many dif reasons...depends on the truama...

I can't say dont feel guilty cos i am the same...all i will say is you r not alone and there r many PTSD sufferers on site..hang in there..its tough..

Make sure you get the proper treament now..cbt works wonders..i will b restarting mine beginning of march...well all being welll...chin up hun..hugs x

[Antipodes]

Hello fellow PTSD Peer,

I'm sorry to hear about the circumstances about your PTSD and how it is affecting you.

I had delayed onset PTSD 11 years after the "event" and in 2001 PTSD took me. It has been catastrophic for me. But I have learned a lot and have a good understanding now.

I have some excellent URL's where you can find as little or as much as you care in all areas of therapy, support, medications etc. pm me if you'd like me to send them.

Antipodes