need advice...

[PITITA]

There has been so many things going on in my life recently that I find it so hard to deal with everything. Okay here it goes...

My mum and dad never had a happy marriage, my dad is opressive, self-righteous and impossible! he made our lives hell and I have only him to blame for all my problems for everything he put us through... well i could write about my past for ever, but the current problem is this.
My mum wants to leave him and have left him before for 3 months, but he emotionally blackmailed us for every single day of those 3 months that he was going to kill himself. he is in poor health at the moment but still my mother has worked out a plan to leave him, but now is full of guilt and asks me for advice because she is scared that if she does leave again he will do what he says... my advice was to her that he needs to take responsibility for his own actions and she cannot always give in, but now I am utterly scared that what if she does leave and he will kill himself then it will be on my conscious... i have such a huge heart the only problem is, that he has none!!!! I have tried about a zillion times talking some sense into him but he just goes on and on and on and just DOES NOT LISTEN!!!!! He has ruined our lives by always manipulating us to believe everything he says and now he wants us to feel compassion for him and love him and all the rest.. I am so sick of this situation I am really not coping well....his continuous abuse is why I have anxiety on the first place because we never could have any peace... I blame him for my brother's suicide coz he was always so hard on him and thats probably why he developed schizophrenia....and now I am scared for my own health...i am so worried out of my mind that I am slowly approaching insanity too...and I still dont know where to turn for help....I so want to help my mum, because she has been the strongest out of all of us and she so deserves to be free of this evil man, but how could we ever live with the consequences of him killing himself....i just feel its like catch-22....any thought on this?

" The solution to a problem is right through it..."

[kate]

Pitita,

"my advice was to her that he needs to take responsibility for his own actions"

Your advice to your mom was spot on. If she does decide to leave your dad, then if he did end his life, the decision would be HIS. No matter what life throws at us, however much we blame others for our problems, we still ultimately make the final choices, only we can be responsible for our own actions.

However, I know that if something like that happened to me, I would blame my own actions for pushing them to act in such a way, I think this is just human nature.

Hard, hard choice to make and only your mom can decide what she wants to do.

Take care

Kate

"Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same"

[expecto patronum]

I could be wrong, but I don't think anyone has ever committed suicide out of sheer pig-headedness: and I think if you look at it like this it should reassure you. I've felt really desperate recently and thought about it loads, but I know that in reality I'm quite a long way from doing it; I think only when you've experienced this do you understand how truly deaperate someone has to be to take their own life. I'd say therefore that there is very little possibility of your dad killing himself just to get back at you, I don't think that he has any intention of doing it really and your right that it is emotional blackmail of the lowest form, the only thing I can suggest is telling him that you have no intention of giving in to blackmail and then completely ignore the threats as if he is an attention-seeking child (that should really do his head in!) If you don't give in and he did kill himself please don't blame yourself, if he is really suicidal then the real reason must be something else and he is looking for someone to blame (is it possible that he realizes deep down that he is responsible for your brother's suicide?)

[matilda]

MyDad spent most of my late teens threatening or trying to kill himself and he is still here 20 years later!!! In the end me and my sister disowned him and he pulled himself together.I'm not saying your dad will do that but he is an adult and needs to take responsibility for his own actions and get help.

[kate H]

I have to agree with Rosie and very good advise too. You are in a tricky situation but it is important for you to be there for you Mum which by the sounds of it you are certainly doing.

I hope everything turns out ok for you

x

****You can never get rid of the butterflies, but you can teach them to fly in formation ****

[PITITA]

Thanks ever so much for helping through this difficult time, one thing I realized is that my mom is very undecisive but the best I can do for her is to tell her what I think, which I did and then just allow her time to leave him whenever she feels the time is right for her and she is ready, because if I push her too much she will just never leave. I have been and will always be supportive and will always be there to back her up. When I lost my brother I have lost everything because he has always been the closest to me, but now I feel my mom is the only one left for me to protect and I love her with all my heart !!!

" The solution to a problem is right through it..."

[alicia123]

Pitita, you Dad behaves the way he does because he can do no other. Damaged people damage other people since it seems normal for them to do so.

But schizophrenia is not inherited, at least there is no proof that it is, so perhaps you should stop worrying that you will get it too - chances are you won't. It is also very unlikely that your father's bullying caused the schizophrenia in your brother, but constant abuse can create mental problems in vulnerable people, so it may have been a contributory factor.

I don't know how old you are but if you can get access to a counsellor it might help you to vent your feelings face to face rather than in a forum.

One of the secrets of life is finding out how to forgive others. And another secret is how to forgive yourself. Both of these secrets are easy to learn and stop the damage you are causing to yourself. But I understand how difficult that may be right now.

best wishes,

alicia

This helped me (so I don't go on about it!):
www.alphadynamics.com