partner thinks im cheating..im innocent..now my panic has returned

[nok_tok]

i suffer with anxiety panic etc im am in a complete state i cant stop shaking and been sick.....

me and my husband have been together 12 years...anyway a few months ago my partner joined facebook for the first time, i have been on there since 2008 (my partner knows this) and only have people i know on there (old school friends and college friends etc) he seemed ok with it!

i am open with him and say 'you can check evrything' he even knows my password...but still not enough, for 2 nights in a row i have woke up at around 2am finding him logged in on my go checking through messages

he says ' i know you have deleted messages'

tonight he tried to tell me that a guy from my friends ( that we both know from years ago) has messaged him asking if i was still with him or if i was single (my profile says married) i was shocked and laughed..i then figured it was a lie (which he told me it was) so he was trying to test me!!


well he thinks he has delved into something, i have been hiding? what? i have no idea, he looks reguartly through my whole profile, including messages looking for something....he says he can 'smell a rat' and knows i have been upto something...he has attempted to change my password (caught him doing this) he gets really annoyed that i have spoken (innocently) to male college friends in a message (2+years ago) nothing to hide! i leave all my old messages on there...


i deactivated my account as i couldnt take anymore, i said i dont care about facebook and just want things back to normal...but at 3am i woke to him on my facebook (reactivated by him) posting photos on there and asking why i wrote 'happy birthday x' to a male friend he said by writing the 'x' i am giving them the wrong idea...i write this to female friends also though...but i doesnt mean anything...

i sat on the bed tonight and he really had a go at me...i started shaking and no matter what i say he says i have changed on deleted somthing so i started to cry..i said ' i dont know what i can do right'

i started to check on my profile with him next to me on the laptop and he grabbed it away and pushed me back hard, so i pulled him back from his back and clicked his neck by accident (he had cirvical spodolsis) a pain at top of spine/neck condition which has been suffering with for about a year (but recently got better) and now he is in pain and sleeping on a bag of peas...
i am shaking and been sick and cant sleep i feel a nerveous wreck and if it wasnt for my kids i would probably top myself....worse bit is
that when i accidently hurt his neck i felt extremely guilty and feel sick as i am worried he is going to hurt tomorrow and he will hurt for weeks or something??

he has just started a new job aswell and now im just shaking and being sick

why is he being like this with me?

---------- Post added at 04:37 ---------- Previous post was at 04:29 ----------

by the way tonight he has been drinking around 8+ cans of lager and smoked some weed....i hate this

---------- Post added at 05:01 ---------- Previous post was at 04:37 ----------

he checked my profile after work...he seemed really off with me...
he says 'who's this' who's that'
is anyone giving you hassle on there?


when i looked at the computer after him he had deleted all seach history...is he hiding something?? or just trying to hide what he has looked at?


i have been throwing up all night due to feeling anxious,and keep going to the loo aswell...not sure what to do with myseld, this has really shook me up..my arms/hands are shaking

i keep thinking my husband will keep on as he has been 'on' at me about facebook for over a month now, we re-kindled our relationship and we were cool,(better than ever) then he becomes re-obsessed with it!!

i have 3 kids i rarely go out the house except the supermarket or school run, but i recently met up with a female friend, we were out 2 hours and my husband rang me 3 times asking when i was coming back!

iam happy in my relationship...have absolutely no desire to cheat, flurt or keep secrets....not sure where i am going wrong

i have now looked ignorant by cutting off my frienship with my (female) friend...it was good to have some friends/female company, i felt good getting out, change of environment....

i am going to a 'wellbeing clinic' next month for my depression hope thay can help me!!

---------- Post added at 05:40 ---------- Previous post was at 05:01 ----------

i keep wondering why is he doing this?

-could he be having a relationship of fb himself?

-has he got bored of me

- is he only just appreciating me?

-is he pananoid? (im worried it will get worse)

i feel bad that i accidently clicked his neck, last time he hurt it he had to quit his job due to the pain he was in for over 6 mths, he has just stated a new job this week!

[Col]

Hi,
I never had panic attacks ever, untill 2 years ago and had to give up the prospect of secondary science teacher. After a brief 6 months of agrophobia, I now too stay near home, do school run, shopping the occasional (well maybe 4 times a year) coffee with a friend -
SO I can completely relate to your day to day schedule?

Don't want to upset you but, a few thoughts spring to mind.

* Weed makes you paranoid, could be smoking to much as well as alcohol. Not good!
OR
* is he the one cheating or up to know good and trying to find fault with you to make him feel better ( reverse psychology )?
OR
* is hE generally unwell himself. Starting a new jobs , kids home etc is it all getting to him?

There my thoughts, just trying to help you solve this problem. Takecare

[Tyke]

This sounds like an unbearable situation. It sounds like your partner is very insecure at the moment and it isn't your fault. If you can get to the bottom of what is really bugging him it might help. Maybe it is the new job, new work pressures that he is finding it hard to cope with, maybe it is his own health situation that you described. It sounds to me like he is feeling pretty worthless and has convinced himself you will be better off with someone else.

You shouldn't turn your back on your friends though as you will need them for support. He has to realize this. Presumably he has been fine with them for most of the time you have been together so you need to try and find out what's recently changed him.

[Anxious_gal]

If he thinks you are cheating all of a sudden maybe he has something to hide?

He is acting rather controlling. Stop trying to please him or to prov your innocence.
It's insulting enough he doesn't trust you and you have done done no wrong so don't play his games.

The fact he is lying is a BIG RED FLAG.

Does he have a drinking problem? It would explain his odd mood and crazy talk.

It's not on that he is acting like he owns you. Him being insecure is HIS problem and not yours. Only he can sort that out.

He seems to be slowly isolating you from your friends, that can be dangerous, I mean if you start giving in, putting his needs above your own...... you can see where this is heading?

You aren't happy right now.
He is making you fell bad.
Lieing, making stuff up.
Invading your privacy.
Not wanting you see your friends,

You are NOT overreacting if anything you are UNDER REACTING.

---------- Post added at 03:55 ---------- Previous post was at 03:54 ----------

What you did was an ACCIDENT what he did what INTENTIONAL.

[xdavex]

Its quite strange that he's become like this now after being together for 12 years.
You mention he's starting a new job, I dont mean to be nosey, but was his previous employment a long term thing? - or does he have a high turnover of job placements for whatever reason, due to feelings of insecurity or other reason ? (i'm just trying to asess the 'bigger picture' here)

He sounds insecure about himself, smoking weed would most likely play a major part as to worsen this, as , he can relax when on this, untill its out of his system, the same goes for his drinking.

I can also imagine he'd go as far as accessing your imput to this forum, which may do some good in the short term, and I say short-term as I think there must be an underlying issue why he feels he cannot trust you, he'll most likely feel re-assured, but i suspect then he'll have the paranoia creep back after a few days or weeks over the slightest thing.

Tbh, I not sure what to suggest to help , but the situation is clearly making you unhappy & if it does'nt improove may also reflect on your childern so tbh I think he needs a few firm &/or harsh words of reality, a starting point would maybe to keep onto him about his smokeing weed & drinking habit, maybe spend more time together in the house playing board games (such as chess or trivial persuit etc) as to help break his current routine & paranoid cycle - also if he is playing away himself, then spending more time with you at home will disrupt this.
Also, - check text messages on his mobile phone, turn the tables on him, maybe he'll know what it feels like then.

[nok_tok]

thanks do much for your replys

this all started a few months ago when he joined facebook, he was previously very proud not to be on facebook...i spoke to him about my facebook from time time but he generally wasnt interested..so didnt think he cared much....the first time he kicked off was after my friend invited me to an art event via facebook and i agreed to go without checking with him..he saw that there were a fair few males that were going that i didnt know...and went completely mental at me about it!.....asking me why would i go when i dont know hardly anyone else going?? i cancelled and agreed not to go, i made exuses with my friend and have shrugged her off since,,...i feel really guilty about this as i have suffered with anxiety and panic since 2004/2005..

..i have been pretty much stuck in at home since and lost all my friends...recently i felt suicidal and am getting help from the docs...

the last time i spoke to my docs i felt happy as i knew i was supposed to be meeting up with my friend and having a change of atmosphere...but my partner is not letting me have my own time.....i think he has probs of his own....i dont think i am strong enough to take them on,,,...he is really insecure and while i try to reassure him i feel like i am breaking apart myself

i dont like be accused of something i havent done or intend to do..


thanks so much for all your kind words.. x x

[Brunette]

Your husband is a controlling bully.

Whether that's the "real" him or whether he's being affected the weed and the booze only you know but either he needs to get help or you need to leave him.

[nok_tok]

thanks so much

things seemed to have got worse, i have been throwing up, my partner has this new job which has stressed him out and he is suffering from insomnia, he hates it if i am asleep and he is awake he will put the light on a talk to me,

anyway he got the ipad out last night and sat in bed

he was searching various things and looked up my friend on twitter (who was easy to find) he then searched through her friends and found me (i told him months ago i set up a twitter but never really used it)

he went absolutely balistic .....he was going completely mental at me...thing is...i dont use twitter, i set one up to see what all the fuss was about ....i just have a smily face and blanc picture ...i have done 2 tweets to my friend....but i decided when i joined i would 'follow' various shops and busnisses such as the 'tate modern' and 'hstory museum' etc (no individual people that i dont know) so now i am following these groups and he is going mental at me asking why i havent wrote on there that i am married? (i just didnt write anything ) infact i dont like twitter (which i have told him in the past with little response)

so now he is telling me that i have been deleting messages and he asks if i get lonely and want to talk to men!!! i feel insane...this morning i wanted to take my own life as i cant win!! i am going docs at 10.30 but i dont know where to go from here...he was so angry...really angry but i havent done anything...i told him months ago i started a twitter but didnt think much to it!!......he trys to twist it by saying 'i didnt tell him' then he says ' i did tell him but said i didnt use it' (true i only used it a couple of times) but he thinks im talking to men behind his back!!......

thing is we have 3 kids..a mortgage...a marriage...i dont know where i go from here...i suffer with panic and anxiety and to be honest i can be broken really easily....he thinks that he is the victim when i told him how i feel ...thing is i have nothing to hide and have done nothing wrong but he just seems to be fishing for something thats not there

lately we have spoke about the past (i was 19 when i met him) and asked about male friends i had years ago and asked if i liked them or ever kissed them ( i didnt) and have been nothing but honest with him...i decided to ask him too..he didnt want to talk much about his past b4 me but said he had been with about 10 women in total (b4 me) but wouldnt go into details when i asked who and when( i didnt really want to know details but wanted to see how much he would tell) he mentioned a few and then stopped talking about it!

in the last 2 months i have eaten loads..fatty food...chocolate and coke( i dont normally have these) due to stress...i feel fat ...i have really low self esteem..!

---------- Post added at 10:05 ---------- Previous post was at 09:55 ----------

have been looking on google, could it be paranoid personality disorder?

i am really worried as he had a traumatic upbringing as a child and his mum had mental health problems...and i was wondering if it is having an effect on him later in life or if the mental illness is hereitary?

he does mention he thinks people at work are talking about him...not sure what to do?

---------- Post added at 10:09 ---------- Previous post was at 10:05 ----------

his mum died last year..he wasnt close to her and didnt go to her funeral...(i was in absolute tears about it!) i never met her (wasnt allowed to) but he couldnt cope with it saying 'people at work know about my mum'.(paranoid thought) ..he didnt tell anyone...i think he was ashamed of her...

it hurt me as i always think we should forgive and keep the peace...

i dont know if he is hurting inside? he will never talk about it!

[Pigeon]

Hello There
You need some advice from someone who deals with domestic abuse. His behaviur is out of control and although it may be caused by mental health or drink/drugs issues, it's still abuse. There is no wonder you are anxious and having panic attacks - I think you are under a considerable amout of pressure and need the right kind of support.
I think you are trying to sort out the wrong problem. The problem is't the way you are feeling it's what's happening in your life.

If I were you I wpould contact a relationship counsellor, the samaritans, CAB or local authority - all will be able to signpost you to the right kind of help.
I know a litlle about what you are suffering as my ex husband was also very jealous and controlling - without the drink and drugs though. I thought I couldn't live without him as he brainwashed me but I am now married to a lovely man who treats me with It's hard, but this can get sorte - you just need to go to the right people for help.

Take care and sending you lots of hugs

[Edie]

I'm really sorry this is happening.

I think you should change your passwords to facebook and your email account, to prevent him doing anything with them. It might fuel his paranoia, but he seems to be paranoid anyway.

Speaking to a relationship counsellor could well help, even if your husband refuses to go with you.