I just don't get it? What the F'ck is the point?

[footballking]

I am a 20 year old male, studying law. I don't understand what the F'ck is going on. I have had what you might call health anxiety' or what doctors might think I have for over 7 months now. This all started around May 2012. I do not know how I got into this mess or whether I am actually ill and doctors just don't seem to care.

My symptoms included chest pain and increased heart beat which would race to 150-180 when having a panic attack. After doing the heart tests and doctors prodding at my chest, ECG, Stress test, ECHO, Chest X ray , Holter Monitor and having my blood drawn. I was told I have a viral infection. I had my blood drawn 2 months later which still showed a viral infection. I am starting to think that the viral infection is something else.

Around September/October 2012 I noticed a inflamed/bump under collarbone where the first and second rib is aligned, and I don't know whether this is from the doctors prodding at my chest for 2 months/ or whether there is something actually there. My doctor made me feel like shit 'making things up', that is why it took me until last week to get the bump under the collarbone checked out. I have recently had a chest x ray for the bump to see whether there is anything going on there or if it's just inflammation and have to now wait for the results of the x-ray.

Meanwhile I have been told I need to get 3 moles removed because they look atypical. and this is happening next week through private health care because I am really stressed out it could be something and I want to catch it early.

I'm scared to death, this health anxiety or actual illness has made me a shell of the person I used to be. I am getting late on my essays, not socialising anymore and I am always dizzy and worried about when I am going to die.

But the good thing is, My appetite is good. and I am trying to stay positive. I've had 3 tablets of 2mg of diazepam past 6 months. I need them more often because of this constant stress.

The problem with health anxiety is that you get the symptoms before health anxiety starts, so that really makes you question whether it is anxiety or an actual illness.

This is my first time posting and any advice on how to stay calm and less stressed would be much appreciated.

Thanks and keep fighting.

[Daisy Sue]

hi Footballking, & welcome. i only joined here myself yesterday so am still finding my way around. however i'm no newbie to anxiety and in particular health anxiety, so i get where you're coming from, and totally sympathise.

i've had the same conversations with people that you've touched on, where i question which comes first, the 'real' illness symptom then the anxiety starts, or is the first ill feeling actually anxiety itself...? i think with me, it's either - all it takes is an acknowledgement in my head that i don't feel well, particularly if i don't know why, and then the rest spirals up until full panic attacks are either about to happen and i have to work hard to make them go away, or they do happen & i feel 100 times worse than i did just from that first symptom.

i think for you, the best way to sort things in your head would be to take comfort from the fact that you've had the symptoms for many months now, yet you're still more or less ok healthwise, it hasn't got worse, and also that you're being looked after by the medical profession.. having the moles removed, having gone through the previous tests etc...

the docs could be thinking post-viral fatigue syndrome, which can be debilitating and can really crush you physically & emotionally... also the stress of your studies might have added to this..

just try and keep logic at the forefront of your mind, and maybe try to find some way to relax each day.

[footballking]

Thanks for the quick reply daisy sue.

The problem with health anxiety is I can easily forget about it and go on and live my life but I feel like there is something actually wrong with me. I feel like I need to catch it in time. Logic is what I keep forgetting, I can't rationalise anything when my mind is going crazy.

This has been good in a way because it makes you have a different outlook on life at such a young age i.e enjoy it more often, eat better and so on, that is if i don't actually end up having anything but something simple such as stress which can be reduced once the vicious circle of health anxiety is beaten.

I completely understand with what you just stated, soon as you acknowledge the symptoms and you place the thought ' that it might be something serious in your head' your symptoms spiral out of control.

I have noticed that when I wake up in the morning on a good day, I am completely fine, happy and then bang the thoughts start pouring in, and everything begins to spiral out of control slowly.

One of the worse things to my health anxiety is going on these forums and as soon as i get my results and if they are good results, I am going to make sure to get off this forum. It just adds to my anxiety. Need to go out there and live.

Well welcome to the forum.

[Daisy Sue]

just one other thought based on what you say about waking up feeling ok... this is such a definite sign of anxiety for me... i always know that if i feel ok when i first wake up, and again begin to feel better when i get tired at night, it's anxiety and nothing more... like, you can't be sleepy AND wound up at the same time.

it's pretty amazing how powerful our mind is over our body... those thoughts can take you from feeling fine to feeling absolutely terrible, in a matter of seconds.

[footballking]

I understand everything that my mind is doing and I understand all the psychology behind the constant health anxiety circle. But the good thing about health anxiety is that we can see what we are worried about and get it taken care of through certain tests. Once that is done, it is in the universe's hands. Whatever happens, happens.

However, this is one thing that I want to reiterate! Never trust doctors. They tell you to go away for 2 weeks because of the guidelines they have to follow, you have to keep pushing if you believe there is something seriously wrong.

They talk about preventative measures and then turn you away when you are at your weakest. I find that the oath they took is utter pointless. I understand that sometimes they have a reason but they don't seem to care like they used to, from what i've experienced and from what i've read.

[candy_floss]

I went to hospital 4 times last year. All of which were completely necessary appointments (confirmed by the specialists who always sent me away with some kind of diagnosis) but I had to fight and nag my GP for every referral because of my health anxiety and the fact that my doctors rarely take my symptoms seriously and try to pass everything off as a symptom of health anxiety. They told me I was imagining the swollen lymph nodes in my neck but the ENT specialist felt them easily and told me there were about 8 lumps!
And Just last night I noticed some more sore lumps in my back and stated panicking about how the hell I was supposed to get a doctor to examine them when most of them are sick of the sight of me and ready to dismiss everything I say.
So I know the feeling of questioning what symptoms are real and which aren't. Can drive you crazy at times and more than once I questioned if I was going mad. How could I be feeling lumps that 'weren't there' according to my docs? It's a very frustrating cycle...

The only advice I can give you is that things like socialising less and ignoring your essays, is not going to help matters.
I know you probably think that's easy for me to say but in March last year, my HA had me close to a break down and I stopped seeing friends or doing the things I liked. I spend most of my days crying and having panic attacks. It didn't help. I just felt worse. At this point I had convinced myself that I had Lymphoma and it got to a stage where I just thought 'well if I do then I do and moping around the house isn't going to change anything!'. It was very hard but somehow I pulled myself back from that. I was given some anxiety pills to control the panic attacks and starting trying to distract myself by meeting up with friends, spending more time with family. Even something as simple as watching a DVD (My dad borrowed me his 'Peep Show' box set coz he said it couldn't fail to cheer me up/make me laugh!) helped sometimes.

I've had HA since I was 13 (I'm 23 now). It's something that is always with you but there are ways of controlling it and it's something you learn to live with. There were times in my life where my HA didn't bother me for years and whenever I feel close to tearing my hair out over this recent, particularly bad flare up of Health Anxiety, I think back to those times and know that it can be beaten into submission again.
At the minute it seems like you have genuine cause for concern so it's only natural that you will worry. Hopefully once you've had these moles removed and these X Ray results, you will feel in a better place to take control of your anxiety.

[footballking]

Exactly. They make you think your going out of your head? like this is a little game for you? that you have nothing better to do? Who the **** wants to be stuck in a doctors office, I feel like the doctors of this time lack logic.

I have stated this before, I have seen a lot of doctors in my time throughout this process. and I can tell you that we are given the image throughout the media and social views that doctors are 'gods' and that they can spot if anything is wrong with you? Are you ****ing kidding me, you think just because you go to medical school you know right of the bat what something is without extensive tests. Never trust a doctor if you yourself truly believe you have something wrong with you. I have been misdiagnosed before and will always be. There is rarely any such thing as a 'great doctor' anymore, but don't get me wrong I have met one before, just not in my specific area.

As for the lymph nodes, I think that is what this might be below the collarbone as there is an area there, where they happen. Hopefully its nothing serious, as I am already emotionally ****ed up.

Anxiety has a role to play but anxiety is given out too often to prevent people from getting tests done. Anxiety is not an illness. It is fear, of something you are worried about, and for all of the people on this forum who say you can never get rid of it, you will never be rid of it until you get the tests done.

[candy_floss]

Yes I've been misdiagnosed too. It makes it very hard to trust.
The specialist wrote to my doctors and told them what was going on with my nodes and not once did my doctor apologise for telling me I was 'imagining it'.
I'm also fairly sure that all the stuff they wrote about me being 'neurotic' and 'obsessed' was never deleted from my notes, even though I was proved correct about my lumps.
As I said, this last year has been a nightmare of GENUINE health problems made 10x harder by having to fight for referrals from doctors who didn't believe and made me question if I was going nuts. And it won't stop whilst I am still undergoing all these tests and waiting for results. My next hospital appointment is in March so I've accepted that my HA isn't going anywhere for the next 2/3 months at least. My mission is to try and stop myself going crazy until then.
Right now I still can't shake the fear that I have Lymphoma but my doctors have refused further tests in this area so that is it for now (my March hospital appointment is a follow up visit for an unrelated problem) I try to make the best of things regardless of my constant fear.
I have regular blood tests to check my white blood cell count (probably the only tests I don't have to beg my doctors for) and hope that if anything horrible is wrong with me then it will show up in my blood eventually and they might listen then!

I don't see myself as ever being 'rid' of my anxiety. I know it can be managed though because I have done so in the past so that is the best I can hope for.
I hope that you're test results are good and that you can relax a bit after that. I realise that waiting for tests and results is not easy but stopping doing everything you like between now and then will not help. I put my life on hold for months whilst I wallowed in self pity. It got me absolutely nowhere. I still had to wait just as long for my hospital appointments to come through, the doctors still thought I was nuts and I was still worried sick. Do try and find some distraction from it if possible. I was scared about telling my friends about my health anxiety but they have been great and listen to me ramble on about it all the time. They don't understand it really but some times it helps just to talk about it anyway. That's what this site is good for!
In fact I felt like much less of a freak when I found this website and read all these posts from people like me!

Good luck with everything.

[footballking]

Yes I've been misdiagnosed too. It makes it very hard to trust.
The specialist wrote to my doctors and told them what was going on with my nodes and not once did my doctor apologise for telling me I was 'imagining it'.
I'm also fairly sure that all the stuff they wrote about me being 'neurotic' and 'obsessed' was never deleted from my notes, even though I was proved correct about my lumps.
As I said, this last year has been a nightmare of GENUINE health problems made 10x harder by having to fight for referrals from doctors who didn't believe and made me question if I was going nuts. And it won't stop whilst I am still undergoing all these tests and waiting for results. My next hospital appointment is in March so I've accepted that my HA isn't going anywhere for the next 2/3 months at least. My mission is to try and stop myself going crazy until then.
Right now I still can't shake the fear that I have Lymphoma but my doctors have refused further tests in this area so that is it for now (my March hospital appointment is a follow up visit for an unrelated problem) I try to make the best of things regardless of my constant fear.
I have regular blood tests to check my white blood cell count (probably the only tests I don't have to beg my doctors for) and hope that if anything horrible is wrong with me then it will show up in my blood eventually and they might listen then!

I don't see myself as ever being 'rid' of my anxiety. I know it can be managed though because I have done so in the past so that is the best I can hope for.
I hope that you're test results are good and that you can relax a bit after that. I realise that waiting for tests and results is not easy but stopping doing everything you like between now and then will not help. I put my life on hold for months whilst I wallowed in self pity. It got me absolutely nowhere. I still had to wait just as long for my hospital appointments to come through, the doctors still thought I was nuts and I was still worried sick. Do try and find some distraction from it if possible. I was scared about telling my friends about my health anxiety but they have been great and listen to me ramble on about it all the time. They don't understand it really but some times it helps just to talk about it anyway. That's what this site is good for!
In fact I felt like much less of a freak when I found this website and read all these posts from people like me!

Good luck with everything.

Thank you, will let you know any news soon

[skippy66]

What you're displaying is absolutely classic anxiety, I know because I was a similar age (21) when all my health anxiety really surfaced. It's common for it to appear at your age. It's not something that you have to put up with forever though - I've been completely free from anxiety for over 2 years, and not had a panic attack for about 5 years (I'm 31).

DO NOT LET ANXIETY RUIN YOUR 20s LIKE IT RUINED MINE. You have a choice: dwell on symptoms and spiral downwards, or man up and live life to the full.

Sorry to be so blunt but it's true. Make the right choice.