I have posted my story before about being attacked by my brother, losing my nan, my family turning their backs on me and accepting what my brother did as being 'because of him being ill'...... I started suffering agoraphobia, social anxiety, severe anxiety and depression towards the end of last year because of all the trauma. I am on Dosulepin 25mg, only for 3 weeks but I feel it has helped.
I had a horrible intrusive thought last week, I told my GP last night I have a fear of knives, always have and I had this thought of 'what if'. It has freaked me out ever since and I can't get it out of my head and I feel nervous around my children since I had that thought. He was a star and he said it is just a thought, he said I would never act upon it, he knows me well and he said the fact I feel sick and so upset ever since proves I would never ever act upon it. I told him it sickened me and I adore my children so I feel so guilty ever since. I can't eat or sleepHe gave me a talking to and made me realise that just isn't me, he thinks the fact I have lost my Nan, my mum and sisters didn't want to know me after my brother was arrested for attacking me, the attack itself which was for absolutely no reason is just devastating. I became agoraphobic and friends that I really thought were friends turned their backs on me because I couldn't go out to meet them.... I slowly became depressed and my GP said it is all due to the isolation. I am letting my brother win, I have panic attacks in shops so I don't go to shops, I don't mix with other people if I can avoid it and my world is closing in around me since my first panic attack in a shop 2-3 months ago.
He said the isolation has caused me to feel upset, depressed, angry at my family for causing it and it is all such a huge adjustment being this alone. Thankfully I have my husband and children, they amaze me and my GP said they are all I need but it is a shame I don't work, gave up university and have become scared to go out because I have a brain and am intelligent (his words, lol). He said I can stay as I am or change it and not let my family make me lose my life, get out there, walk the dogs again, maybe do an Open University course, get my confidence back, go shopping again for clothes and make up! I wonder if I can do it, but the fear of feeling panicky in a shop or when walking the dogs scares me, I go nowhere without my car now incase I need to get home
Maybe he is right that I suddenly feel so low and beating myself up and dwelling on that one thought because I am so isolated. It does hurt that I have been on meds for 3 weeks and not once has my mum called me, asked how I am..... She visits the children one night a week for tea but only because I pick her up, we aren't close at all and it is so hard for me. My family have always loved to argue and I have forgiven them but never have I felt so ill with the stress they have caused me this last 12 months. My GP said I am nothing like them, he said they are all nasty evil people and I deserve better.
He said meds won't make it all go away, I have to challenge it and make changes, have a focus rather than my worries, thoughts, feeling sad about the past...... Do you think he is right? Any advice on how to get the strength to get back out there and get my life back? It is just hard as I only have my husband and children, I feel so sad as I am so lonely during the day, I no longer visit my sisters, mum or my friends
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