How I overcame panic disorder.
Hi everyone. I wanted to share my story of how I overcame panic disorder in the hope that it may help whoever is reading this. It is possible and I am living proof of that. I am sorry this post is so lengthy, if you'd like you can cut straight to the tips in bold - that's where the actual advice is....
I never thought I would see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I have been panic free for around four months now. I had PD for around six months. It ruined my life. At my lowest I couldn't bare to leave my bedroom or my boyfriend's side because I felt like I had no control over my body whatsoever. And the people around me didn't understand (I was living with my parents at the time), and at times trivialised it, which made it worse.
I was 23 and I had just graduated; I've never generally handled stress well but moving back in with my parents after three years of having my own flat, and being rejected for several jobs I so desperately wanted and the subsequent unemployment sent me spiralling down into a black hole of shame, disappointment and self pity. I just couldn't man up. I panicked about everything, and I mean literally everything. I remember having a panic attack speaking to my Mother once in the kitchen. My own Mother, the person one feels the most comfortable around in the world, and I was panicking. It truly felt like it was out of control - it was terrifying.
I remember reading a post on here, a sticky I think, about how one guy overcame panic disorder. He had all these tips and I remember sighing over it. I would never get to that stage - or so I thought. Luckily I had a very supportive partner and after having panic disorder ruin my what should have been the holiday of a lifetime, I decided to take action. This is the advice part!
I spoke to my Doctor firstly. She put me on CBT and prescribed citalopram for depression, which is standard procedure. I also had some propranolol for presentations, which is beta-blocker that stops some panic symptoms (though not the psychological ones, which were my main problem). Rather than carry on with my story and all the problems I encountered on the road to recovery, I'm just going to give you some helpful advice and tell you a little bit about what worked for me:
Your big stressor
Basically, I stopped seeing myself as someone who had panic disorder. I stopped and looked at my life. What was it that was making me so insecure and so ashamed that I had virtually no faith that I could do anything, letalone anything panic free? If you have panic disorder, take a good look at your life and try and work out where your shame is coming from. Someone on this forum once said that those with PD often say that their panic comes from out of the blue, or no where - but that is a dangerous half truth. In fact it is utter bullshit. So what is eroding your confidence and self-esteem right now? Is it a marriage that is failing? Money issues? Unemployment or lack of job security? All three? It may seem unconnected - what does an unnurturing relationship have to do with you being scared to go to a supermarket - or having a panic attack right there on the sofa with no one around? Or just before you're about to go to sleep? It has EVERYTHING to do with it. When I graduated, the rug was pulled from under my feet and I took not being able to get a job particularly badly and so did my parents. If I couldn't get a job then what must that say about me? I had no control over my life, or my body, or my mind for that matter. There were connections there, but I just didn't see them at the time. So what's your big stressor? What situations in your life are going on that make you feel like you have no control? What is eroding your confidence? Things that erode our self-worth erode the way we see ourselves, and they make us become the kind of people who consciously or subconsciously think: 'my life is out of control, my panic is out of control. I am not someone who can overcome my problems or my panic. I cannot control my body or thoughts. Therefore I am worthless.' Either remove the stressor or do things that give you a sense of confidence or self-worth. For me it was getting a job. I got a job and the symptoms started to melt away - I certainly wasn't cured - but the intensity was less.
Demystify your panic: CBT and beyond
If you have PD, you need to know about CBT and you need to know about the thought processes that are triggering off your panic attacks as well as your wider self-esteem issues. You need to see a qualified practitioner who can help you out with the techniques. I actually only saw the specialist once or twice - that was enough for me to get it, but it took me a while of practising the techniques before they started to work. Buy a book and work on the activities, learn about what is going on physiologically and start to understand more (after all, the more you understand something, usually the less you fear it). The NHS standard issue book is called 'Overcoming Panic: a self-help guide using Cognitive Behavioural Techniques' by Silove and Manicavasagar and it worked well for me and others. I didn't think it would work for me but CBT was truly a God send, and its techniques are really useful if you practice and read about them enough. Read success stories, there are quite a few of them out there. Really come round to the idea that it can be cured even if it isn't cured for you personally yet and try to understand it! Keep reading, reading, reading. You will understand it more and you will fear it less. I can't explain how exactly, but the more I surrounded myself in cures, self-help and others' successes, the better it got. The first time CBT works, something magic will happen, the panic will come less often and will be less intense. I will still get panic out of the blue sometimes, but if I do I will treat it as something external, like an infection that needs antibiotics. CBT is your antibiotics. Go through all of the logical reasons why you're not going to die and descend into madness. Outloud if you have to. Outloud worked best for me for some reason. Rationalise as best you can even if it doesn't work at first, because it will eventually.
Physiological helpers
Sometimes we feel our bodies and thoughts are out of control. Sometimes we need a crutch. This is true especially if you are suffering with legitimate depression. Anti-depressants can work well for you in these instances, but for many reasons they just weren't right for me, even though I desperately wanted to be able to take a pill to cure it all. There are a few things I had in my arsenal to help with my nervous system, which if you have PD you will know is totally out of whack and is like a car alarm going off five times a day. I would recommend propranolol. Again not a magic pill but it will take away your racy heart and adrenaline. I still suffered with choking sensations even with propanolol sometimes though. My biggest and greatest recommendation however, a tip which I picked up on this forum: CHAMOMILE. Oh my goodness, this stuff is heaven sent. It will dull your nerves and edginess and is absolutely great while you work on you psychological stuff and thought processes. I used to drink 3 or 4 teabags worth a day and still do if I know I have a big meeting or interview coming up. A great tip is to prepare by drinking the dosage (3-4 teabags) both on the day and the day before of your panic triggering situation. Not a long term solution but it will get you through and has been used for thousands of years for this purpose. Caffeine is a huge thing for some people, you must limit this in the worst of your PD - you can return to drinking it when you recover. I'm back up to my two cups a day now. Finally, and perhaps most importantly = DIET AND EXERCISE. I underestimated these two so much during my PD but oddly enough the only time I wasn't panicking was when I was jogging or briskly walking through a park or woods with my dogs. Cut out white pasta, bread etc - these cause spikes in blood sugar that can make us feel faint and trigger panic attacks. All of these little things won't be life changing, but put them together with your CBT and therapies and learning and you won't believe the changes they will start to make.
And finally: DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF. You are not a failure because you have PD, and there is a cure but it is a slow process. Be positive, I know it's hard but you have to try. Do things that make you happy - bake, jog, listen to music, nourish yourself. One day will come when you have been putting all of these things into action, and it may only be a small victory but a victory nonetheless, and you will see a result. Maybe a small one. Maybe you manage to talk yourself down from a full blown attack. Maybe you have a conversation with a cashier without feeling like you have to run away. Slowly and bit by bit, how you see yourself starts to change. You start seeing it as something that is controllable and it will click - 'well holy shit. If I can control it then, in those 20 seconds, then I can control it full stop.' You will start to see yourself as someone without PD, though it may take a while. Nurture yourself, and give yourself and break and remember: panic is a bluff, it never fulfils its promises. Have you died? Have you ever passed out? Have people ever really noticed? Really? Have they?
Then what is there to be afraid of?
The next time you have a panic attack, call its bluff. Say 'okay - go ahead. Go on then.' And then start reeling off your CBT techniques, logically going through why you can't possibly be in any danger. And if it doesn't work the first time, or the second time, or even the third you have my promise that if you will it enough, it will stop.
This is just what worked for me, and I can say I am 99% panic free now and have been for a while. I hope this helps you, whoever is reading this. If you have any Qs please ask me, I'm more than happy to help!!
Reply With Quote
