Trouble in Paradise!!

[*Luthien*]

Hi.

I feel so bad for complaining and worrying but I just can't help it. I was diagnosed with G.A.D 3 years ago and even though it has come in the way of a lot of things (me and my boyfriend of 5 years broke up mostly because of it) I have also learnt to overcome it and things started to look good. I got back with my boyfriend (so now we have been together 7 and a half years...not counting those 8 months apart!) and I got the confidence and positive attitude to save up to go travelling around Australia!! I have now been in Australia with my boyfriend for over a year now and am on my 2nd working holiday travel visa. The problem is, Mr. Anxiety is making a comeback!!!

He never actually fully went away of course. As I'm sure a lot of you know, he never does, he's always there. But for the first 9 months of travelling I was doing fine. Things would crop up that would sometimes gets me worried or panicky but they were easily solved. Thanks to my bf and friends around me. But for the last few months I have started to feel bad again. We have enough money, we have a roof over our heads, we have a car, we've seen some amazing things but yet there are times when I forget all about that and tell myself that things are shit and 'why do all the bad things happen to me?' It's things like, our boss tells us there's not any work for a week, so immediately I panic and think that we're not going to have enough money to do this or that. I get bored and irritable. I snap at my boyfriend even though it's not his fault and he's in the same boat as me with the work. He is always so positive and logical about things and there's me thinking of the worst that could happen, like we're NEVER going to have work again and we'll have to go home early, etc.

The worst of it all is that I don't have anyone to talk to about things, when I try to talk to my boyfriend, I get irritated with him when he's not even said anything wrong. It's just like I'm expecting him to say something wrong..but he never does, he just tries to be understanding but at the same time trying to let me know that it's not as bad as it seems. But I take it as him patronising me and have a go at him. All he is doing is trying to make me feel better but I just bite his head off!! I feel so bad afterwards but by then the damage is done. It's just that at the time I have this little 'evil' voice that is doing all the talking and I can't think clearly.

I'm just upset because I'm supposed to be having the time of my life and my anxiety is just getting in the way. I don't want to look back on this when I'm older and just remember arguments and negative thoughts when I should be remembering happy things and amazing experiences. I also get scared that I'm pushing my bf away again. He has been amazing this time round, now that he understands what I'm going through but I can see that he gets frustrated at times. Sometimes I even tell myself that I don't love him anymore, just so maybe if we break up a problem might be solved. But I DON'T want to break up!! I love him and in fact, he's the most positive thing I have in my life...it's just this 'evil' voice again trying to come up with excuses. Ahhh...why won't it just let me have fun and enjoy being in a relationship?!

Sorry if that was a bit of an essay...I was just writing as things came into my head!! Basically, yeah...I'm in Australia, I'm young, I'm in love and yet I STILL worry about EVERYTHING!!!!! :( Help!!

*Luthien*

[Kimberley456]

I no how you feel I'm the same I worry about everything I tell myself I don't love my bf no more its so horrible when everyone is happy but your sad and worried that something bad is going to happen I wish I could help you and give you advise but I can't I just wanted to let you no your not the only one. People find it really hard to understand that you should be happy all the time but in fact you feel so sad and lonely. If you want to chat pm me and I'll try and help you feel positive and help you get thro this bad patch your going thro.

[BobbyDog]

I went through a similar situation some years ago. Unfortunately I drove my boyfriend away, but unlike your relationship mine did not survive my then severe anxiety, it just wasn't meant to be.
You have a wonderful relationship with your boyfriend and are very lucky.

You have stepped out of your comfort zone to accomplish your dreams, you have done things most people only think about, you've got guts. You will be able to look back in years to come and have some wonderful memories of your travels. I did a lot of travelling when I was younger, but never got as far as Australia or NZ, I wish I had.

Perhaps you need to do things to improve your self confidence, it sounds as though you feel that you do not deserve this happiness you have found.

Look after yourself and enjoy.

[*Luthien*]

Perhaps you need to do things to improve your self confidence, it sounds as though you feel that you do not deserve this happiness you have found.

This is something I have had problems with all my life. I always feel that I'm not good enough, or people don't like me enough. I know I shouldn't care so much of what people think of me but I do. At school I had enough friends around me, and even now, in my situation at home I've got a good group of friends. But I always feel like 'would they really notice if I wasn't here?'...which is stupid I know. But in the past certain things have happened to make me feel like that. Whenever a friend throws a party it's always amazing and so many people turn up, but it seems that whenever I want to organize something people make excuses and it just doesn't turn out right. That hasn't happened recently with the group of friends I have now but even as I am here on the other side of the world, I get paranoid that they are forgetting about me.

The one thing I hate though is being made to feel stupid. My sister studied Physics at university and my mum is great at maths. My dad is really good at practical things and also loves science. I am not academically bright, am rubbish with numbers!! But I love dance, art, photography and drama. I studied Visual and Performed Arts at uni and got a very good degree in the end. (2:1 with honours) but I don't know what to do with my life yet and a lot of people I feel don't really take what I'm interested in seriously, especially with my sister being a lot smarter than me. It angers me that people don't think I have a REAL degree and I desperately want to shout at them that I AM clever in my own ways...but some days I feel utterly dumb and lost. Then that leads to me getting anxious about what I want to do with my life. When I think about it logically (when I can) I know I have time to figure it out but I just don't have the confidence to actually START. I'm glad that I've gone travelling sometimes I think that some people, (some members of my family) think that I'm just escaping from moving forward, even though it makes me mad, I can't help but wonder if they are right. :(

My boyfriend is the complete opposite of me; he is logical, calm, positive...lol. I think that's why we work because he knows how to cheer me up, but it could also push us apart, because when I'm going through a bad phase I think its just frustrating for him and I get really snappy at him. I feel like he's patronising and like I said, I hate being made to feel stupid and I feel so small. But that's never his intention I am just taking it that way!

*Luthien*