I'm invisible to EVERYONE. (Not literally).

[Rls1994]

OK, so I'm really down right now. It feels as if nobody even notices me anymore, even my family. But I guess with depression, it's normal to feel like this right?...

I've always been a loner, with hardly no friends at all. Or when I do make 'friends' I always get left out of conversations or brushed aside anyway. It's always been a problem for me but I don't show it. I just pretend I'm fine and play along as I don't ever wish to cry on anyone's shoulders or complain about it and just be a pain in the butt to them. You see, I have terrible social anxiety and I'm incredibly shy. I always find it extremely comfortable to be around other people (except family). I worry that I'll say something completely stupid or just be a really boring person and they'll stop talking to me.

I have Facebook with 40 something friends, but NO ONE comments or likes my statuses or anything. Nobody. I'm not being an ass or anything but it kinda annoys me when I see statuses like, 'It's sunny!' or something and get loads of likes and comments. I've TRIED messaging people on there but after the second message I send, they get completely ignored, which does make me upset. My messages always contain questions like, 'so what music do you like?' etc to keep the conversation flowing, so I'm confused to why they get ignored. Yeah, maybe I am just a boring old person who doesn't deserve anyone in life. Maybe I'm just destined to be alone. Now I only message and comment to people who write and message me first, but that gets me no where either. So I'm in a lose-lose situation here..

I was bullied severely in school which lead me to having low-self esteem, a LOT of anxiety, social problems and trust issues after I left school. It's gotten so bad that I cannot trust anyone anymore. I just don't know who's genuine and not..

I don't have interests in ANYTHING anymore besides drawing. I guess that's also a part of being depressed too. I lost interest in drawing a year or so ago but now I'm doing drawings everyday which I'm happy about since I'm currently enjoying it. I'm planning to be a cartoonist in the future. That'll never happen though since I fail at everything in life and probably always will do until the day I die..

I'm worried sick that I'm going to be at home for the rest of my life with no friends, no job, nothing. The only thing I will have in 40 or so years time is my 19 year old sister who I will look after since my parents won't be around then. I'm glad that I will have someone with me for the rest of my life, but still.... even my 19 year old sister finds me annoying.

I'm currently on ESA and at home doing nothing but drawing, watching some TV and exercising daily and that's it. That's all my days consist of. Nothing else.

My therapist recommended joining a group of people that I can meet and stuff, but every group/clubs I've been to so far (at least 6), I've been completely unnoticed...

My Dad, who is very close to me is very unwell and has quite a few medical conditions which cannot be treated that are getting worse as the months go by, so I'm scared to death I'm going to wake up one morning and find out that he's passed away. He's even said it himself that he doesn't think he will last out that much longer.

I'm tired............

[PinkRoxy]

Hi Rls
I am really sorry you have been feeling this way. I do understand the more you don't socialise with people and because you are sticking to a home life a lot it can be easy to lose social skills and become more anxious.

To be honest I lost contact with friends after high school and didn't actually have any until last year when I started my course and met some new people. I was very shy and reserved and feeling very anxious when I first started my course but then I got to meet a group of friendly girls who was willing to accept me as a friend so I thought I would open up and let them into my heart. I am glad I did because the first time in years I had a group of friends that were genuine and loved me.

I think the same can happen to you. I would not give up there will be people out there who will love you and will want to have you as a friend in your life. It does take some courage and time to get out there and make some friends and you are not always going to make friends with the first people you see. Its like medicine you have to try out a few until you find one that is right for you.

I am sorry that this is making you feel down at the moment I can only understand that feeling so well being without friends myself for ages. I too felt like I couldn't make any friends because when I tried I didn't click with anyone they just didn't seem to want to be with me but I also think a part of the reason was me. I was too shy to make the step to become a friend. Such as things like asking for mobile numbers, planning a day to do something together. I let anxiety get the better of me.

Don't let that happen to you honey, I think it is important to try and make that step if you can. Another thing is I am here and I will be happy to be a friend of yours and you can PM me if you like, anytime if you need a chat.

I know you are a good person and you are worth everything. Hang in there

[Tyke]

Hi Rls

I do understand what you are saying and have felt like that myself on many occasions. I won't even enter into the Facebook age as I don't want to get sucked into a 'who's got the most friends' competition, that's one I would never win. I can't say I'm that bothered though - it is QUALITY not QUANTITY that counts. You don't need loads of friends to be happy, just a few good ones.

I know doing the rounds and trying to meet people can make you feel like you're banging your head against a brick wall sometimes, but you only have to click with one or two people and it can make your life so much better. It is harsh when you try so hard with people, but you are doing everything right in trying to keep the conversations going - it seems like it is they have their own problematic personality issues, rudeness being top of the list! What you have posted here is well written and shows you are articulate and intelligent and drawing is a fantastic talent to have. Your self-confidence has been knocked by your experiences at school (I had a tough time there as well), but you can get past that. I have met others that had a hard time at school and they have shown qualities others often don't have and have made good friends. They offer far more understanding to those disadvantaged and excluded in life than arrogant over-confident people ever could. Let it be a strength - it is if you can use it in the right places.

Sorry to hear about your Dad - this is no doubt adding to your gloomy feeling, but at least you do have your sister around, even if she can be annoying. Is your Mum still around? Do you get on with her?

I'm sure you could have a great life, but it can take a while to get there. Keep working towards this and take each day as it comes. Best of luck to you.

Tyke

[sunshine1]

I am sorry you are feeling so rotten. like Tyke says its just a matter of finding one or two people to click with. I think a college course would be a good idea where you might find people like you with the same interests.
I know what you mean about facebook, i have started just liking and not commenting - saves the hurt!

It is good that you are still drawing. it sounds like you are really good at that.

x

[Rls1994]

Wow, these replies made me smile! Thank you very much you lovely people!

I was in college 2011 to late 2012, and I was kicked out in October last year because my attendance dropped lower than 50%. Ouch! However, my tutor told me that if I cleared up all of my issues that he'd love to have me go back into his course, which is Art & Design Level 2.

I will admit, I had a wonderful time there as I had one friend who I got on with very well. He used to hang around with a group of other friends but when he met me he started to always hang around with me instead, which was nice. We had a lot of laughs during the year and it was definitely one of the best years I've had in several years.

I guess I'm not that anti-social when I get to know people well. In fact, I'm non-stop talking when I know you well enough in real life. The first couple of months of knowing people for me is awkward. Very awkward. But I eventually start to open up and be more talkative and stuff.

I'm glad that I'm no longer feeling depressed and just getting on with things. I think the reason why I felt rubbish was because I hadn't slept in a few days.

I would just like a few friends like I had before. I don't want loads or anything as like you rightfully said, it's quality not quantity. I've tried speaking to people and ask to meet them and stuff but they always make up excuses not to go. EVERY TIME.

[Daisy Sue]

Hi there - I know that feeling of being invisible and it's horrible... I'm much more confident these days and will speak up or walk out of a situation if needed, but I was extremely, painfully, shy when I was a kid and teenager, and I remember very clearly how it felt.

I think the college idea is a really good one - did you know that there are courses other than academic subjects, such as Life Skills etc...? There will be a team of staff at your local college who run these 'other' courses, and I'm thinking maybe this is what would benefit you most for now - just attending something on a daily basis, low key, no pressure, but with particularly understanding staff and students...