Hit a low point. Not sure how much longer I can do this.

[turtleonaleash]

Hi Everyone,

I've been suffering from anxiety my entire life. When I was a child I would wake my mom up in the middle of the night screaming, "I don't want you to die!"

As I grew older my anxiety only became worse. By the age of 13 I stopped spending the night away from home, stopped attending public school and switched to homeschooling. At the age of 21 I stopped leaving the house all together. I started taking citalopram (in conjunction with the mirtazapine I was put on when I was 12-13) and I started attending regular therapy sessions. Eventually my anxiety lessened and I began attending full time university. For about three years I felt little to no anxiety.

Then this past August my brother had a baby so my family and I went to visit for two weeks. I was constantly going out and seeing the sights. However, when we returned home I realized I had not left the house ALONE the entire time. Suddenly I was terrified. I began having awful perception/visual symptoms. I was afraid to drive because I was convinced I couldn't see. My vision was blurry and full of "floaters." I went to the eye doctor and she assured me my eyes were completely normal/healthy. I tried returning to school but I couldn't. My parents would come to school with me and wait in the parking lot or outside my class room but nothing helped. I couldn't even drive around the block alone.

Over Christmas break I fell even deeper. I began suffering from depersonalization/derealization (which has never been a symptom for me.) All I could do was curl up on the couch and cry. My home/family had always been my only source of comfort but now nothing felt real, I felt no comfort from anything or anyone. The people I have always depended on felt foreign to me.

I'm in a constant state of panic. My head has been filled with awful thoughts of self harm, fears of not being real, fears that I'm living in a dream, brain tumor concerns. I haven't been able to leave the house by myself in 5+ months. Nothing gives me pleasure anymore. I've been trying to see my psychiatrist but there are no appointments available until the middle of March. I feel like I am losing my mind. I thought I had overcome my anxiety but now it's back - and it's worse than ever.

I don't know what to do.

[impulse81]

Big hugs to turtleonaleash x x x

[Annie0904]

I am sorry you are going through such a bad time at the moment. I am not sure how things work in Canada but would your GP be able to get more support to help you? Sending you hugs

[manwithnoname]

hello turtle best wishes for you

[Tufty]

Have you changed the doses of Mirtazepine and Citalopram in the past 6 months? If they worked well for you before they should work again, if you are still taking them maybe you need to increase one of them? Can you get your GP to visit you at home, he will be able to see what condition you are in and have longer with you too?

You will get back to how you were before last August, confident and enjoying life. Keep hold of that thought because this is just a blip in your life and the real you is just waiting to resurface and start living again.

Sam

[Mystic Sea]

When i'm at my lowest I find fitness is good. Sometimes I feel a bit dizzy doing it but doing this on a regular basis does help I think. I go walking with my dog too but find if I just go for a short walknothing really happens but on an hour an half walk at a fastish pace i do feel good and its amazing the transition in my mind at the beginning of the walk to the end.....just feel more positive. I know that an hour and a half walk isn't suitable to everyone so maybe something else. My doctor always said to me to do excercise as it creates the natural brain chemicals needed. Its very easy to slip into that comfort routine of staying at home but unfortunately I find thats the worst thing I can do as it gets much worse. This isn't a cure but I think it does help.

Hope you feel better......really horrid feeling like that!