"The NMP Chit Chat Thread"

[ricardo]

A beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane...... The lady said to him ' Can you help me remove something from my breast please? ‘The exciting young man replied, 'Wow! It will be my pleasure....... So what is it?' "Your Eyes, idiot!

[Granny Primark]

Brill lol!
Sorry for the whinge earlier.
I guess its cus im getting old and its coming up to a day that I dread.
But I do think that laughter and being able to share our probs is the way through panic, anxiety and depression.
Thanks.xx

[ricardo]

Medical Humor

Those of us in the medical industry know that humor is the best medicine, so here are some good medical jokes to help you through your day!
A woman told the vet that something was wrong with her dog. He examined the animal and told her the dog was dead.

"I don't believe you", she said, "I'd like a second opinion"

The vet said that would be fine. He went into the other room and got a cat. He put the cat up on the table with the dog. The cat sniffed the dog and jumped down. The vet then got a black lab, put him on the table and the lab sniffed and jumped down.

The vet tells the lady again, "I'm sorry, but your dog is definitely dead. That will be $600 for the exam."

"$600 is ridiculous, what are the charges for?" she exclaimed.

"$600 is a bargain," the vet explained. "$50 for me and only $550 for the cat scan and lab work."


In the hospital, a patient's relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At last, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$200 for a female brain, and $500 for a male brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then said, "It's a standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the female brains down, because they're used!!!!!!!"
3 Doctors are at a Convention talking Shop.

The first Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Artists, they are so colorful: red Hearts, pink Stomachs, green Spleens."

The next Doctor says: "Me, I love doing surgery on Accountants, open them up and all their Parts are numbered, makes it very easy.”

The third Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Lawyers, they have no Heart, they have no Guts and the Head and the Ass are interchangeable!"


Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade? She gave herself a tonsilectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift.


Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live. Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news? Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.


This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?" Patient: Well, give me the bad news first. Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left. Patient: OH NO! That's awful! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this??? Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.


John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat? Doctor: Cut your head off.
Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be 80. Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now. Doctor: See, what did I tell you.


A man swallowed a mouse while sleeping on the couch one day. His wife quickly called the doctor and said, "Doctor, please come quickly. My husband just swallowed a mouse and he's gagging and thrashing about." "I'll be right over," the doctor said. "In the meantime, keep waving a piece of cheese over his mouth to try to attract the mouse up and out of there." When the doctor arrived, he saw the wife waving a piece of fish over her husband's mouth. "Uhh, I told you to use cheese, not fish, to lure the mouse." "I know, doc," she replied, "but first I've got to get the darn cat out of him."


Heard on Jay Leno's monologue: The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.


This guy decides to get a sex change. So he goes to the doctors and has the thing done. A couple of weeks later he was talking to one of his old buddies about it. "Gee, it must have really hurt when they shot all that silicon into your chest to make your breasts." "Not really, I hardly felt it." "Well, it must have really hurt when they chopped off your manhood!" "Nope, I didn't really feel it either. The only thing that really hurt was when they drilled a hole in my skull and sucked out half my brain."


How is an undertaker like a bottle of cough syrup? They both take away the coffin.


A woman in Arkansas brought her baby in to see the doctor, and he determined right away the baby had an ear ache.
He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.
Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.
The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: "Put two drops in R ear every four hours."
The CEO of a large HMO dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter shows him to a lovely villa, wonderful music, great views, full staff of servants, gourmet meals, etc. The CEO says, "This is terrific!"
"Don't get too comfortable," says St. Peter. "You're only approved for a three-day stay."


Doctor Vs. Mechanic Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey...Is dat you? Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"
DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away and said softly, to Morris, "Try doing your work with the engine running."


A Nurse Practitioner was examining his patient who happened to be hard of hearing. He put his stethoscope to her chest and said, "Big breaths."
The woman replied, "Yes, they used to be bigger!"


A man comes to a doctor because of sore throat. The doctor tells him to pull down his pants and to swing his genitals in the window. "What does this have to do with my throat?" "Nothing, I just hate the neighbors."


There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.
After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.
"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem."
"A gas problem?" replied the doctor.
"Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh...silent gas emissions. Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had (BLUSH) four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"
"Well," said the doctor thoughtfully, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test."


The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing. The patient put it in his pocket, but he forgot to have it filled. Every morning for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the baseball park, and once into the symphony. He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from the boss. One day, he mislaid it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano, and won a scholarship to a conservatory of music.


A pretty young lady named Nancy just broke off her engagement to a young doctor.
Do you mean to tell me, exclaimed her friend, that he actually asked you to return all the presents?
Nancy: Not only that, but he also sent me a bill for house calls.


A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."


I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."


Doc tells a guy he has a bad heart. The guy says "I want another opinion." The doc says "OK, you're ugly too."


A woman tells her doctor " I want a hysterectomy."
The doctor asks " Why Mrs. Koslowski, you're 77 years old?"
She tells him " I don't want any grandchildren."



A new patient was quite upset when the doctor's nurse led him to a small, curtained cubicle and told him to undress. "But I only want the doctor to look at an ingrown toenail!" he protested.
"Our rule is that everyone must undress," replied the nurse as she handed him a very skimpy johnny.
"That's a stupid rule," grumbled the patient, "making me undress just to look at my toe."
"That's nothing," growled a voice from the next cubicle. "I just came to fix the phones!"

An elderly couple went into a doctor. They told the doctor "We're having some trouble with our sex life. Could you watch and offer some suggestions?"
The doctor replied, "I'm not a sex therapist. You should find someone else."
The couple said, "No, No, we trust you."
After watching them make love, the doctor said, "You don't seem to be having any troubles. I wish my sex life was as good. I can't give you any suggestions."
This was repeated the next week and also the third week. After they had finished on the third week, the doctor said, "You aren't having any trouble. Is this your idea of kinky sex?"
The man replied, "No, actually the problem is if we have sex at my house, my wife will catch us. If we have sex at her house, her husband will catch us. The motel charges us $75, and we can't afford that. You only charge $50, and Medicare pays half of that."

[Panic Manic]

[ricardo]

A crimper is doing a client and he asks the usual question “where are you going on your holidays?”
The client says I’m going to Rome.
Oh really how are you getting there?
I’m flying BA
Why are you going on BA they are rubbish, all the planes are old and the staff are miserable you should have gone on Alitalia.
Where are you staying?
I’m staying at the imperial hotel
Not that shithole, It’s an absolute dump and their staff make BA staff look good. I would have stayed at the intercontinental.
Why are you going to Rome anyway?
I want to see the Pope
What a waste of time, You’ll be standing with 2 million other people and he’ll be a speck in the distance.You must be mad if you think you’ll actually see the Pope.
The hairdresser finished her hair and she left.
Six weeks later the client comes back in, the hairdresser is doing her hair and remembers her holiday
You were going to Rome last time I saw you how bad was BA?
Well actually when I got to Heathrow they put me on a brand spanking new plane and because they’d over booked they upgraded me to first. I had a gorgeous steward looking after me. It was the best flying experience I’ve ever had.
Oh really I bet the Imperial was a dump though.
Well actually it’s had a 70 million refit, It’s like a palace and when I got there they’d also overbooked so they gave me the presidential suite. They also gave me free meals and treated me like a princess. I felt so special.
I bet you didn’t see the Pope though
Well actually I was walking past the Vatican and I was stopped by two Swiss guards. They explained that the Pope always gives a private audience to one ordinary person every morning. They asked me if I’d be that person.
So what happened?
Well they took me to a small room and asked me to kneel on a small red cushion. Then after a while the Pope came in. He walked over to me and looked down
Really? What did he say
He said, Who did your hair it looks f**king terrible?

---------- Post added at 12:04 ---------- Previous post was at 11:12 ----------

WOMAN’S DIARY
22 Sept 2012 Saturday
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.
I’d been shopping in the afternoon with the girls
and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud,
so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.
He was still very subdued and distracted
so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn’t seem himself
- he hardly laughed and didn’t seem to be
paying any attention to me or to what I was saying,
I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered
if he was going to come in,
He hesitated but followed.
I asked him what was wrong,
but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed,
I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply,
He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.
He didn’t follow me up immediately but came up later and,
to my surprise, we made love
- but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.
I cried myself to sleep –
I think he’s planning to leave me –
maybe he’s found someone else.
- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -
MAN’S DIARY:
Saturday 22 Sept
Spurs lost again.
Gutted.
Got a shag though.

[ricardo]

1. The diameter of the sun is 1 390 000 km (865 000 miles).
2. The average temperature on the surface of the sun is 5,778 Kelvin.
3. The name Adam is believed to have originated from the Hebrew word for earth Adamah.
4. The last name in the Toronto phone book is Zzyzzer.
5. Hot water will turn into ice faster then cold water.
6. Assuming current population growths remain constant: by the year 3550 the total human population will have the same mass as the earth; assuming the average person is 60 kg (132 pounds).
7. In space, astronauts cannot cry, because there is no gravity, so the tears can't flow!
8. There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S, than real ones!
9. More people use blue toothbrushes, than red ones!
10. A sneeze will travels out your mouth at over 100 m.p.h.!
11. Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, every time you breathe!
12. Recycling one glass jar, saves enough energy to watch T.V for 3 hours!
13. The average American/Canadian drinks about 600 sodas a year!
14. There wasn't a single pony in the Pony Express, just horses!
15. "New Mexico boasts the largest concentration of Ph.D. scientists per capita in the United States." Read More
16. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
17. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
18. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
19. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
20. Humans, chimpanzees and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
21. On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
22. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
23. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
24. It takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. It only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack someone upside the head.
25. In 1843, the first Christmas card was printed in England for Sir Henry Cole. He was busy man who wanted to save time in his own Christmas letters, but was also interested in encouraging the expansion of the postal system. 1000 copies of the card were sold at one shilling each. It was not until the 1860s that the production of cards accelerated, with cheaper printing methods. Then in 1870, the Post Office introduced a half penny stamp for sending cards.
26. In average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.
27. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
28. The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
29. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib .
30. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
31. If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out. Myth: Your eyes will bulge out, but they will not pop out.
32. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
33. In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders. (MYTH - Deliberately concocted rumor that originated from a book on insect lore published in 1954 (In a section on "common misbeliefs") )
34. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
35. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
36. Peanuts are one of the ingredients used in dynamite.
37. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
38. 18 million links were shared on Facebook in August. Read More
39. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
40. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
41. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
42. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.False - In the "Bonnie Situation" while Jimmy, Vince and Jules are drinking coffee in the kitchen, the clock clearly reads 8:15. Secondly, when Vince and Jules go to retrieve the briefcase, it is "7:22 in the a.m.". The significance of the time 4:20 is that it is slang for smoking stuff.
43. Some US airports use falconry (hunting of game with falcons) "to scare off birds that can be hazardous for airplanes." Read More
44. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill. FALSE! Only the 26 on the front of the memorial. Additionally, the Lincoln Memorial itself only has 48 states listed, since that's how many there were when it was completed.
45. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
46. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10. This allows the company name to be displayed in the middle.
47. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
48. A typical microwave oven consumes more electricity powering its digital clock than it does heating food. While heating food requires as much as 100 times the power as running the clock does, the microwave heats food less than 1% of the time while the clock is typically always running. Therefore, in total, the clock uses up more electricity.

[Bekzie]

Great thread! Some very funny and very interesting stuff here

[ricardo]

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

---------- Post added at 12:13 ---------- Previous post was at 12:00 ----------

The whole point of this thread was to offer a distraction to those who wanted it from our daily struggle to varying degrees with different forms of anxiety etc.
if it interests you or brings a smile to your face for just a few minutes then it was worth starting .
A bit like the Saturday Quiz people can let their hair down for an hour and most find it therapautic .
There hadn't been much activity on here for a while so I decided to post the above to hopefully recreate some interest.

[little wren]

'More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call'.

(If this is to date then I am gobsmacked by that figure - quite shocking really, we take so much for granted).

'In space, astronauts cannot cry, because there is no gravity, so the tears can't flow!'

(that must feel very strange).

Thanks for sharing x

[yvonne_uk_98]

being housebound can drive ya round the bend, doing some homemade baking sort of helps keep ya occupied. what else can ya do when housebound?