So low...

[belle]

I have no idea where to start with how i am feeling. I'll start with how i am right now. LOW. Probably the lowest i've ever felt. I've just lost my last friend due to a stupid arguement and she is so stubborn she'll never call and i have tried many times to rectify the situation but to no avail and i know why she doesn't care about the end of our friendship, beacause with me an agoraphobic, if you stop speaking to me, so what? I don't go out, so its no big deal! I am devestated by this, we've been friends for 17 years and over something stupid. Secondly, my husband is tired of me not being able to go out. Recently i've driven 1.6miles (to my sisters), the furthest i have been alone since i hit rock bottom in 2000, but to him, its not good enough. He's said horrid things to me like i'm a burden and how his life has been so sh*t since he's been with me, thing is, i agree, his life is crap compared to how it use to be before we got together. My illness, does not make for a good marriage. I feel under constant pressure to perform - otherwise perhaps he'll leave me. Everything right now is getting to me. I don't know how or if i will recover and the thought sends me further into sadness. I cry most days, my son sees me and gets upset because of course he doesn't understand why mummy can't take him to town or to the cinema and it breaks my heart. The other day he asked if we could go for a drive......i couldn't do it. I feel like such a rubbish mother, wife, daughter - and sometimes believe everyone would be better off without me hindering their lives. I've caused so much trouble with being agoraphobic, not deliberately, but since i rely on my mum alot to take me places, my step father hates it and makes stupid suggestions like "Why don't you drive to ours, we'll be waiting for you here!!!", my mother lives 8 miles away, i've only just gone 1.6 in 6 years, so its not likely and when i say that i then get "YOU ARE MESSING UP OUR LIVES BY WANTING YOUR MOTHER TO COLLECT YOU" - i don't know how much more i can cope with. I've had 8 years of pretty much constant bad luck (apart fromt the birth of my boy, but my agoraphobia came about whilst preg. with him!!). Nothing ever runs smoothly, especially since i've been with my now husband. He's been extremely mean to me and has sent my self-esteem to depths i never thought possible. I am a mess.
Sorry to ramble.
SarahC

[yorkylover]

Im so sorry you are feeling so low at the moment,this site is brilliant and everyone here understands.They are all so supportive.You are not alone with how you feel and will make many friends here.It is difficult when people just dont understand,no one knows how you feel unless they have been there.
Things will get better for you.[8)]

Ellen XX

[belle]

Heidi...the whole arguement started that i found out my friend had been reading a blog of mine online for months and hadn't told me, but yet she'd told her other friends who behind my back were saying some pretty mean things, like i was "mental", "few sandwiches short of a picnic" and that i'd "lost the plot", things *friends* that cared shouldn't be saying.
Oh well, off to the dentists today, that'll cheer me up!!!!!!!!!!!
SarahC

[manmoor]

Hi Sarah,

Wish you well at the dentists today hun. Don't be too hard on yourself what your friend did was not the kind of thing a true friend does. Thinking of you.

Take Care

Mandyxx