Trouble taking part in group conversations and social anxiety

[Catherine84]

Hi everyone,

I am new to this forum and need some coping strategies with what I think may be social anxiety.

Since probably my early teens, I have always been very shy. I am not sure why this even started, as I was always quite an outgoing child who was able to talk to people with no problems. The only thing I can think of was a lot of bullying, mainly around my appearance (I have ginger hair, I am quite small and not exactly what I would call blessed in the looks department). This led to very low self esteem, which I still have at the age of 28 (it often takes me three hours to have a bath, wash my hair and put my make up on, before I am happy to even leave the house). When I am out, I feel constantly like I am being stared at and judged, and I have caught the odd comment before now, which has made me feel even worse. I used to be called names at school like 'ginger minger', a witch and a freak.

This seems to translate over to group situations, where in addition to my self consciousness as mentioned above, I feel like I am not normal like the others, and if I say something I will just look stupid or at times be saying something for the sake of it (when they are discussing something I don't know much about and feel I cannot contribute to). I am fine in groups of friends I know well and feel I can trust, and family (these people often comment on how I never keep my mouth shut!), but as soon as there are a couple of people in the group that I don't know, I go silent. This is particularly a problem at work, where I feel like I can't take part in the office and lab banter, and that people may well be talking about me behind my back, in part because of this. It is brought up time and time again in performance reviews, where I am just told 'the more you participate, the easier it will become'. It is easy to say these things, but not so easy to carry out! I think part of the problem is I have now been working there for 5 years, and people would think it very strange if I suddenly started talking a lot more. There are a couple of colleagues I can chat away with when they are on their own, but never in large groups.

If anyone has any advice or experiences with this, I would really be glad to hear it.

Catherine

[BobbyDog]

I have been told this:

Other people are too wrapped up in themselves and their business to be bothered talking about "you".

Also, you would not be the only person in the group who feels self conscious, even though you may think that is the case.

Take small steps, one at a time.

Make one comment, laugh when appropriate, animate yourself a little as though you are engrossed in the conversation.

Speak to your doctor about counselling or contemplate joining a confidence building course.

All the best.

[theharvestmouse]

It sounds like you need to first look at the issues you have about low self esteem and your looks. The only way you will ever feel comfortable and more confident in social situations is if you have changed your perception of yourself and have become more accepting of yourself.

Just remember that many people who appear self confident in social situations are not, they are faking it, its a front. Most people have issues with themselves and how they look etc, so don't think that you are the only one who feels this way.

Yet by doing things to build your confidence and self esteem those issues do go away. So look at doing things to help with your confidence. Do you have any hobbies or could you look at doing something new to try to help?

By the way I was always shy as well, told I am too quiet etc, but in the last couple of years I have improved as a person by doing things that has helped build self confidence.

[Catherine84]

Hello again,

Thank you for your kind words and advice.

I know deep down you are right - the low self esteem has got to the point where it is crippling. My partner tells me that I put myself down a lot and that what I say isn't true - I just need to believe him. As you say, other people often have their own insecurities - in fact, that is probably why they have picked on me in the past. And if you are not comfortable with yourself and they know that, you are an easy target.

I used to really enjoy music as a hobby - I played clarinet in various bands/orchestras a few years ago, but since I started working, I have stopped that. I am often too tired to contemplate going out after work, or even at the weekend, but maybe I need to push myself (it is also such a long time ago, I worry I would be really rusty and no good - another self esteem issue!) and stop making excuses.

I do try and engage in conversations by listening, but I struggle with contributing to any extent. I try and ask questions when appropriate to show an interest, it's just contributing that is difficult.

I will certainly try and look into confidence building courses - I think I have reached a point where I need to give myself a push and accept that it isn't going to get better unless I take some positive steps.

Catherine x