fighting to not be a failure

[R.Barratt]

Hello hope you're all well
My mum called me the other day and said I was a failure and didn't have my life together. I actually stood up for myself and said I did as I am 18 and have a house a boyfriend go to college and want to go to university.
However, today I got an exam result from my first AS exam result in psychology. € worked so hard. I revised made flash card, did past papers etc. And I got an E. I was devestated as I was hoping for a B.
I feel like such a failure and just completely useless. I know its only 1 exam and I can resit and work harder. But when I have no positive influences in my life just my negativity depression anxiety, my teachers doubting me and my mum constantly telling me what a disappointment I am.
I am just so exhausted of trying so hard not to fail and be useless. Not to disappoint myself and those around me. I am determind but it can drain me physically and mentall soooo much.
Sorry for ranting everyone

[Annie0904]

You are not a failure at all. It wasn't the grade you were hoping for but when you consider all you have gone through in this time, then I think you have done really well. It is a big jump from GCSE's to AS level and they are not that easy to do. Be proud of yourself, you have achieved a lot under the circumstances you have been in and don't forget that. xx

[Tessar]

It's quite simple......You aren't a failure. Seriously.
And if I may be so brash as to remark.... Who exactly is your mother to go pointing fingers anyway??Sorry that does sound inflammatory but she has hardly ever given you anything but hassle and difficulties rather than nurturing and support. Anyway, I digress.
The point is you are there (college) and you are working hard at it. As you rightly say...you have a list of achievements to your name. dont ever let her persuade you otherwise. Those things are facts that no-one can deny, including her.
Sometimes exams don't go according to plan. A lower result than you are hoping for is always a disappointment but it is not impossible to do better next time. i failed english at school but went on to get a B at college. i was really proud of that. what you need right now is support and encouragement. One day you can achieve things I life to be proud of. Keep at it, it will come.
When i was deep in therapy, I will never forget one of the things my therapist said to me. I desperately wanted approval from a long list of people. One of them was my boss at the time. He used to bully me. But for some reason I just wanted him to admire me. To value me. Another person on my list was my father.he has always been a perfectionist and to boost his own ego and remain"perfect" he used to knock other people back. Despite that I still wanted and sought his approval.
Now, my therapist said "you do not need their approval, you can do perfectly well without it".
It took me a long time to stop seeking the approval of others, especially when doing so really was not healthy for me. It was never going to happen. I was seeking approval from people highly unlikely to ever give it.
I think what I am trying to say is that really, your mothers opinion of you is biased and she is not being realistic. She may well be using you to make herself feel better.
I am sorry that she is not more supportive and at a time when support and not criticism is what you need, that she is unable to give it.
You keep at it and as best you can, do not allow your mothers shortcomings to affect you too deeply. I appreciate she will have an impact on you & I understand that it is tempting to keep putting yourself in that situation as maybe one day she will become supportive.
Meanwhile perhaps it would be better to limit what contact you have with her and focus on spending time with supportive people who are on your side. Like everybody here.... We will all be rooting for you.

[R.Barratt]

thank you very much annie i think i just have very high expectations off myself an really push myself to the limit. I think i just really need to work on y attendanc more than anything but my anxiety makes that really difficult xxx

---------- Post added at 08:20 ---------- Previous post was at 08:13 ----------

Thank you Tessar
I suppose i am the same way in the sense that even people i ont particular like i desperately want them to like me. I want everyone to like me pobably because of al the rejection i have gone through with all of my family. I am working on not caring so much and witht he wrong people but it is tricky.
Deep down i know i can do well in college i am extremely determind its just hard trying so hard and feeling like i am getting no where. I was crying a lot last night about my mum. I find it so sad we just cant have a relationship.
I know i need to and have started shutting her out but i struggle because i know in years to come when i am at university, married and have kids and she wont know she will have missed out. And so will I. All i want is to see her regulary and to be able to call her an speak calmly about our dys an how we are. But she is just so angry towards me all the tim. I know i will get there with support from my partner, tutors, friends and of course no moe panic. Its just so sad it has to be this way just because my mum is stubborn and wont open up.
Thank you for messaging me it really does help to know people care and are willing to give me advice xxx

[Col]

Ohhhhhh darling, bless you! Sounds like something my mum would have said! Makes me laugh because I'm the only one out of my entire family who's actually got a degree and it's in Science.

I think your results have been compounded by your mothers outburst - DON'T listen. You have got your life together and u should be bloody proud because your - Getting on with it. I'm sorry what more does she want? You've got a house, boyf and your getting on with laying the foundations for your future career? More than what can be said for a lot of individuals in your generation?

You can try again - darling. You at least past, put it that way. Possibly you thought you worked as hard as BUT with anxiety and stress - it might have hinderd your ability?

Look - I failed 2 A-levels one was French the other general studies. I dropped theology and only passed my English language Grade E!

I had a baby at 20 - went to night school, did access OCN in Biology and Chemistry - passed , then did a foundation degree in Maths and Science Then- a BSc in Biomedical Science - route human Biology and just missed out by 1.2% on a First Class degree.

What I'm demonstrating is that things don't always come at once BUT with determination ~ YOU WILL SUCCEED! Don't let ANYONE tell U otherwise XXXXX

[R.Barratt]

thank you Col
i usually am very determind but my family drag me down i know i need to have noting to do with them anymore but its hard knowing they dont love me
i feel so selfish just for living at the moment as i know theyd be happer if i wasnt here

[Col]

[Tyke]

You can succeed without your mother's love and the best way is to achieve things for YOURSELF. You can't change her and maybe she gets some kind of kick out of putting you down. If this is the case you need to try and break that cycle and accept your Mums limitations as a person. It DOESN'T mean there is anything wrong with YOU! It is YOUR MOTHER that has some serious issues here. Has SHE ever been in therapy?

[Oatcake]

Hey R.Barratt,
How are you feeling now? I hope you're feeling a bit better about things. I can't really better the advice you've been given, so instead I'll tell you about my grandmother (Raised me when my mother passed away) who lost her temper with me on graduation day from university. I can't even remember what the whole argument was about, but she hissed at me "You're such a cow". Those words out of the mouth of an 80 year old woman made be bawl my eyes out. She ruined my graduation photos - I look like a puffy eyed mess!

Twelve years on, I don't dare ask her if she remembers saying that to me. I've never forgotten it though. Instead, I take satisfaction in proving her wrong, and you should do the same. You've got your whole life ahead of you. Go ahead and prove that you are the success story you want to be.

[Sunshine77]

i think i just have very high expectations off myself an really push myself to the limit

We have this in common R.Barratt! Along with the toxic mothers.

What I have learnt over the years is that I am my own toughest critic, not anyone else. I push myself so hard that I've had a breakdown. Talk about learning the hard way

My own critical inner-voice is immune to the successes I have and the compliments I get. BUT as soon as someone says something a little nasty (like your experience has been) the inner-voice pipes up and says "See! Told you you're a useless cow" and other charming stuff like that. It also has a really long memory - I forget the good and simmer on the bad. Not good for me at all.

You are NOT useless. One disappointing exam result does not make you a failure, it makes you a human being! As others have said, you can try again. But please remember that you are still just as worthwhile a human being as you would be if you'd got an A. This is a lesson I'm trying to teach myself at the moment (with regard to my career) and it's something it's taken me a long time to start on.

Hope you're feeling more comfortable with yourself since you last posted. Take care