Anxiety triggers, silent screaming and SSRI increase...

[Sunshine77]

Hi All, hope everyone's doing ok.

So the last couple of weeks since resigning from my job have been a complete rollercoaster. I had a few days of complete euphoria, the relief was enormous and people told me I was looking better. Then it wore off and the anxiety is back in a big way.

I've started to identify my triggers now:

Waiting / queuing (for anything)
Noisy, crowded places
Seeing my dad (in a care home due to mental illness)
My mother (in any shape or form)
Paperwork / official letters & tasks
Being hugged when I'm panicky - makes me feel claustrophobic.
Mornings. Just full stop, mornings.

Most of which are not very conducive to getting another job which is really what I ought to be doing now. However I've applied for and been awarded ESA pending my ATOS medical and this morning I went back to the doctors to get a certificate. Told her how I was feeling and she has upped my dose of Citalopram from 20mg to 30mg so I know I can expect to get worse again before I get better. I've also had my first CBT and second one is next week.

In the meantime I just feel so frustrated. It's like there's a silent scream in my head the entire time. Does that make sense to anyone? I had it in the weeks running up to my breakdown and I'm scared to have it back again. I don't feel particularly tearful, just angry and frustrated with myself, sick of feeling this way and so guilty to be leaning on my husband financially.

I just feel a bit like I don't know who I am or what the hell I'm doing any more.

Sorry to go on, it just helps to get it out there. Thanks for listening xx

[Ineedlookingafter]

I totally hear you about the silent scream. I am getting it more and more. Getting ill again has been my worse nightmare. I wish I could resign and get a job with less stress and less responsibility but we can't afford to do that right now so I am clinging on to this one feeling like I can't do it. I think I might lose it anyway as they are trying to be understanding but I don't know how they can help.

Sorry, having a tough day.

Hope you are feeling better soon. x

[Sunshine77]

Oh I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling too. Are you still able to work from home when you need to?

If they're trying to be understanding then that is something at least - shows that you're valued. I admire you very much for getting through it even when you're feeling so bad.

Take care

[Col]

. I think sunshine your triggers are universal to us severe panic attack sufferers.

Mine are long ques
Busy places
The wind in my eyes -blurred vision -panic
Stripy black and white lines on tops etc makes me feel like I'm going to get a migraine as do reflections of sunlight
Nosey street areas
Annoying people who I can't relax around make me feel clostrophobic - visitors from hell namely
If I'm unwell - that's a trigger - health anxiety
Not being in control ie - if im the passenger in someone else's car......I need to drive
Being miles away from home - a huge biggy
Having to walk far incase I panic , basically I take my car everywhere
Snow - makes me clostrophobic
Medical centre GP surgery etc - very nervous always thinking if i go they will really find a problem.



Sorry to bore everyone - I'm just scared of life , I don't know what's happend ? I've said this before but although a cliche , I'm a shadow of who I was 2 years ago. Soo fed up, I naturally love life want to go traveling again or to the coast.... The closest i'll get to this is watching a travel or natur documentary on tv.

[Annie0904]

Sunshine I can relate to this and I think will just leaving work, although we know it is better for us at the moment health wise it is still a big adjustment. I had my first ESA work group interview this morning and she asked for my qualifications. I was reeling them all off to her and then started to cry. I just though how the hell have I ended up in a job centre!! She was really lovely and said I just needed some time to get well and she isn't going to give me any work based activities as she is confident I am doing all I can to get back in work. We will get there Sunshine

[KCam11]

Hang in there Sunshine. Change always causes me anxiety. Hopefully it'll calm down soon. We just have to take it one day at a time and tell ourselves, relapses and off days are ok!

[Col]

Annie ahh that's soo sad, I know I can relate, I had a child young and worked went to night school then did I foundation degree and Then got a 2:1 in biomedical science BSc with honours - prof Robert Winston gave me my degree. I was offered at the time a few PhDs,I wanted to work after all the struggle of study..... A proper job , so worked in NHS labs at the blood bank when I graduated.
I'm not bragging,a degree doesn't make you better , loads of people have got one - but I've worked tirelessly hard and in debt JUST to sit at home! Thank god my kids are small and need me, otherwise there would be no pointX

[Annie0904]

Aww Collette...we will all get there and be able to use our qualifications again I'm sure. In the meantime Col you are doing the most important job of all being a lovely Mum xx

[Col]

Thanks Annie, I'm feeling rubbish today, that's warmed my heart a little
Sorry sunshine for moaning on your thread , one of those days - AGAIN X

[Sunshine77]

Ahh Col and Annie thank you so much as always for your empathy, Col you weren't moaning, and thanks for listing your triggers, it helps me to know (being still relatively new to this) that other people are freaked by the same things. Being far from home, hmmm that's an interesting one, the hubby and I are booked to go to Berlin for the weekend on 5th April. It was my Xmas present to him - he's always wanted to go and I studied there for a short while. I am quite scared at the thought of not being able to get home if I have a panic attack. Not going to think about it now though - a lot can change in 3 weeks.

I am sorry you're having a rotten day hun xx

Annie you made me go all teary again, funnily enough I have just been completing my ATOS questionnaire for the ESA and read it back to myself and thought "Who IS this person?!" and like you say I can't believe I'm on benefits. Even my GP told me this morning I was doing the right thing claiming them though even though I feel embarrassed. I am glad though that your experience this morning was ok. I'd be interested to know more about what happens at these groups?

You're right - we will all get there if we keep trudging along together.... xx

---------- Post added at 17:21 ---------- Previous post was at 17:20 ----------

PS just interrupted my posting to put some lip balm on having forgotten that I had been chopping chillies 5 minutes before.....owwwww...... I have a right old Trout Pout now