Dont know where to start this post, because up until the beginning of last week i felt like everything was coming together and i was going to become one of the lucky ones who is a success story. But over the last two weeks i have felt very anxious and could feel my mood slipping. As we all know we try our hardest to pull ourselves back together again, but no matter how i have tried nothing has helped. Not only has my anxiety increased and my confidence disappeared, i am suddenly left feeling very depressed, which is not a strong symptom that i had to cope with.
Thank goodness for my neighbours because last night one of them came over and i went and sat with them with Sam and her children until about 11.30 p.m. and i finally after a few beers settled down. I actually opened up to them last week at a bbq about my anxiety and how i was feeling and they have all been great. But one especially as last week she was really down and told me about her depression and couldnt thank me enough for helping her, but advice is so much easier to give than take.
Work has been really stressful and i can feel it is getting to me, but i hate the fact that i left it get to me because i do actually enjoy it. When i finished work yesterday i was relieved i had a few days of. But as soon as i got home, i wanted to be back at work because at least i would be busy and wouldnt have time to think about how bad i feel.
I am praying for monday to come now as i have a long week in work and know i am in charge next week so will have no time to think.
Isnt it awful when i am praying for the weekend to be over, because i feel i cant cope on my own with Samantha. Suppose with my low mood i am noticing it even more as i have no one here to help me with her. I cant even face taking her out on own, so today she has just played with her friends. Bless her she even made her own lunch as i had gone back to bed.
I laid in bed earlier and could feel the anxiety rising, but it suddenly i was lying there thinking there was no point to it all, which made me even more anxious.
I am so angry with myself for letting myself get this low, but i have tried to fight it. Now i am scared that i am going to lose it completely and lose the energy to fight it. What happens if i go mad and get took away? What happens if i cant cope with Sam anymore? All those horrible questions are flying though my head and i cant get a rational answer to any of them.
Sorry for rambling on, but i havent spoken to my friends recently, i can feel myself going in on myself and i know i am not making the effort to contact people. But this is me, i stop talking and hide away. Thanks for listening.
Sal xxxxx
Even your darkest hour only last 60 minutes!!
Sal