Relapse of depression

[sweetlikechocolate]

Yesterday was the first day in almost four years that I hadn't taken an antidepressant.
I am 25 and when I was a baby, 22months old my mum died.
Throughout my life I have always been aware that it had effected me. Anyway I had depression for a few years was on sertraline and then switched. Was on some mens that have given me insomnia.

In 2009 I got a job and stopped taking the tablets.
Never looked back, got a great job. I literally love work. My boss is great, we are good friends now and always get on. The other people I work with are great too. Anyway as long as I work I am fine but I work with children so when schools shut during half terms etc, our company is shut. I work in the office equipment too doing administration so luckily I don't get too low.
The last few months I have been really down about my mum. Weird dreams etc. I went to the Dr and she gave me some sertraline like I asked for. I decided not to take them or phone the counselling number. I wanted to fight this on my own and not let it get hold of me.
Half term and work is quiet. Crying every night, anxious, and feel empty and Sad.
Dr called me in and we had a chat and she strongly advised I took the tablets and in my own time when I am lifted up a bit to call the number for counselling. I told her that I felt like I didn't know part of me and that I wanted someone to stick up for me and love me like my mum would have. My heart literally aches for her. I said to the Dr why now when everything i my life is so great does this have to happen. I have a great job which I love, supportive friends who are great, a wonderful nice and nephew. Why does this have to appear and mess everything up now.

SE quite nauseous. feel very hungry but then don't wanna eat it, bit spaced out, leg keeps twitching. Awake most of the night but sertraline never interfered with sleep before so hopefully it was coz I was thinking too much and that will pass.

I can't lose work or family and friends. I don't want to change which is why I have started to take the tablets.

[BobbyDog]

Taking the medication sounds like a really good idea and counselling will help you deal with your loss so you can move forward, you would not have been able to grieve as an infant, perhaps with the right counsellor you will be able to express those empty feelings you have inside. Talking to someone who understands what you are going through will help you deal with everything that is troubling you at the moment.

I can relate to a certain extent as my mum left when I was about 2 years old.

[NoPoet]

I'm going to do some research into this. I have similar issues, not as bad now, but I descended into sadness which became depression at the thought of not being with my family, specifically my mum.

It's to do with your identity being fragmented. In other words, you rely on other people for your sense of identity - you feel complete with them and vulnerable without. The "two halves on an apple" cliche applies here.

In the real world, we need to be two halves of an apple on our own. Try repeating to yourself for at least fifteen minutes a time (the amount of time I have heard it takes for your subconscious to start getting the message) that "I carry my mum with me in my heart wherever I go. She lives in my heart, as I live in hers." Also try "It is okay to be my own person. I make my mum proud by being my own person." Just because you are trying to become your own person, doesn't mean you are letting her down or leaving her behind.

I struggled immensely with this but gradually it is getting easier.

Also consider taking the medication if you need it. However you clearly still have issues which need to be resolved before you will have truly kicked depression's arse. You can do it.

[Marie1994]

Maybe this will help -

About 4 years ago (2009) I went through a period of very severe depression that lasted almost a year. I did not take any medication or seek any medical help, which I look back on as a huge mistake now. However, this past summer my depression came back worse than before, followed by horrible anxiety attacks. Fearful of this relapse, I sought medical attention and was prescriped Zoloft and sent to see a therapist, who is more helpful than I could have ever imagined.

Although it may seem unfair and frightening, taking a medication that will help relieve your symptoms is your best bet, and it is ALWAYS important to talk to someone else about what you are experiencing. Believe it or not, anxiety is cyclical and can happen once in your life, "go away", and then pop up years later for no particular reason at all.

I hope this helped & things will get better for you!

[theharvestmouse]

This is an old post.