Not keen on hugging or physical contact generally

[Tessar]

I've never been any good with physical contact but I have been working on feeling more natural about it. I've been chipping away at how uncomfortable it makes me feel for years now.
if I spent an evening with friends (or worse with work colleagues such as at an Xmas do) if I know there"s likely to be hugs at the end of it, I'd spend the evening worrying about hugging or being hugged. These days, I try hard to enjoy the hug and appreciate the warmth & physical connection involved rather than let it scare the life out of me.

I recall many years ago there was a lovely chap I worked with. He was like a second dad to me & I really admired him. One day when we were talking, he said something & then to be nice to me, he went to touch my hand. I withdrew it so fast he must have though it was a bit odd. After he left the company and retired, I stayed in touch. He really was brilliant to know.

Eventually I let him hug me goodbye if we met. In fact, I learned to trust him so much that at his wife's funeral I let him hold my hand for several minutes. I could really feel how much good it was doing him and I actually felt really touched that this happened. It's amazing what you can achieve isn't it?

So, anyway, I do have a few special people in my life that I will let hug me. Of course this includes my partner (though when we first got together I had to explain to her that it might take a while for me to get used to physical contact.. Even holding hands was something I struggled with. But I learned to tolerate it & in time became ok within our relationship.

Also on my list of special people is my favourite auntie and some of my favourite cousins. In fact, despite many hassles with him, I even let one of my brothers hug me & again it is rewarding To do that.

So.... Getting to the point..... today I saw my lovely niece (6) & nephew (4). We had a great time larking about; this included rolling about on the floor, letting them jump all over me, brush my hair, put hair grips in it, blow raspberries on my skin, So as you can see, physical contact in that respect is fine for me.
But As we were leaving it came to "that moment". The awkward moment when I think, oh I need to perhaps hug them & get a kiss goodbye. But even with little children (who would have no idea about my insecurity over this) I am putting myself on the spot.

But today, instead of feeling like ignoring the quandary and doing nothing, I said to the children "so who's coming for a hug goodbye". To my amazement they both came over & I crouched down so we could hug. It was like "I did it" and they wanted a hug too. It was like "wow". Brings a tear to my eye to type this.

Coming from a near 50-year old, only just learning to hug seems like crazy. I know that some of my fear is related to rejection, if i ask or make a gesture to someone for a hug, what if they say no or back off? But it's better to at least try. Also I know I feel awkward as after I was about 5, my family never really did the huggy/kissy sort of thing.

It's taken me about a decade of work to get this far & I'm going to keep at it.
Onwards and upwards as they say.

[Annie0904]

Really pleased that you are feeling more confident with this now Tessar. I remember when I was younger I used to hate visiting extended family around Christmas and New Year because I knew I would have to hug them and give them a new year kiss and I hated it. When I was younger the only people I felt confident to hug were my parents and Grandma's. As I have got older I have changed and now I love hugs. My Dad hugs everyone! Even if he hardly knows them and his mam, my Nana was the same. I am more like them now. When my youngest son was at school some of is friends used to come and ask me for a hug and I thought that was really nice (they still do now ) Hugs for you Tessar

[BobbyDog]

Wow I am so pleased you managed to do it, that must have been a very rewarding experience for you.
I have the same problem and I try so hard to make physical contact with people, but I know they can sense my awkwardness, it doesn't come naturally to me, the only person I feel comfortable hugging is my son. Like you though, I do persevere.
Well done, I know we are missing out on those feelings of intimacy.

[Tessar]

Annie, you are living proof that people can change.
I'm so much better than I used to be, just like you.
That's so lovely about your son's friends wanting hugs. I so wish when I grew up that I had more hugs, my mother seemed to stop hugging me. I know some of that was because I pushed her away at times but that's because I was confused. Sometimes it's like I felt I was a nuisance if i approached her, especially if she was angry with my brothers, I just wouldn't dare ask for anything. Other times it was ok. So that's why I was confused. If I asked & didn't get (or worse got shouted at), it just made it too risky to approach her.

Sarah, that's really lovely u feel comfortable hugging your son. If there were one person in the world I am sure would love hugs from you, then it will be him. Actually, I bet there are many people who would love a hug from you.......
I just have to say that hugs from children are special.

Through My niece & nephew I really feel like I am getting back some of what I missed out on when growing up. Just because my family were stand-off'ish doesn't mean I have to spend the rest of my life shying away from hugs.

One of my uncles, who sadly died a few years ago, had a particular way of saying my name that made me feel loved. Also he was very much into hugging. He was really tall I am only little so I felt a bit like I was being swallowed up by his big frame. But he was really gentle for a big man. I really do miss his hugs & love but I am glad that I can appreciate what I had. His kind heart will always be with me.

[Annie0904]

It is understandable from what you say that you stopped asking for hugs from your mother but through your nephew and niece you are getting that physical contact back and what a lovely way to do it. They have a very special Auntie

[Annie0904]

Hug_poem___picture (1).jpg

[Tessar]

It is understandable from what you say that you stopped asking for hugs from your mother but through your nephew and niece you are getting that physical contact back and what a lovely way to do it. They have a very special Auntie

Yay, me a special auntie.....thank you Annie.

Thanku also for the little ditty, it's really good.

[theharvestmouse]

I feel this, sometimes I feel so incapable of showing affection , it gets me down, even when I hug people I think that they can probably feel that its not natural for me.

How does someone end up like this? I've wondered if its to do with childhood.

[granny85]

I always felt loved as an only child, but (I'm 60 now) never remember being hugged or told they loved me. Now - I find I give anyone I meet the biggest possible hug, & folk now say they LOVE my hugs & look forward to them! xx

[Tessar]

Hi theharvestmouse; I know exactly where you are coming from about sometimes feeling so incapable of showing affection & can appreciate why it get you down. This is why the other day when I was saying goodbye to my little niece & nephew, I got brave & asked if they wanted a hug. It came as a surprise to me when they did, even with little children I find myself thinking they wont want to touch me.... but the more you do that (let people touch you) the easier it can become. You do need to choose wisely, it doesn't mean you have to let people you don't like come near you. I am very specific about that these days as I feel that having let people I didn't like or was scared of hug me, that made me feel worse about it.
As I say, these days I choose wisely. When they are people I trust implicitly, I will try to be as natural & relaxed as possible & not fear the contact. Instead I try to remain with it & appreciate what it means rather than be uncomfortable all the time. It is gradually getting better especially with people I value.
It's good though that you do hug people, even if you think that they can probably feel that its not natural for you. That may, in some cases, make people feel glad they have done it because they know it isn't easy for you but they still want to do it.
As regards how it comes to this.... well, in my case, it was definitely to do with my childhood. As a toddler I can recall hugs & kisses and liking them a lot. Gradually my mother became physically distant towards me (& my brothers) so I felt rejected by her. Then when she did try to hug or kiss me, I felt self-conscious. That's kind of how it happened for me.But it is possible to put this right. Not overnight obviously and as I say, you need to be choosy. But to "get there" as it were, you do need to enter a place you will feel uncomfortable but gradually you will improve. It is worth the effort.

granny85, Its quite sad really how many people go through life not to be told by their parents that they love them or that they are loved. Also not having hugs either. I find that children generally love hugs (when the time is right of course) & they are so natural at making you feel good.
It makes me feel sad that you were denied these things but I totally commend your attitude. That is a huge compliment & must be really great when people say to you that they LOVE your hugs & look forward to them!

I recall a couple of months ago after a really heavy counselling session, I'd gone back to work feeling rather shaky. I really needed a hug. Usually it would be impossible for me to ask someone as I'd feel so uncomfortable doing that & also worries about rejection if they say no. Anyway, we had our techie chap in the office that morning (who I know very well indeed) & I knew already that he would always hug me if I asked (even though he hadn't done that before). So I asked & guess what.... he gave me a hug bear hug. He practically lifted me off my feet & squeezed all the breath out of me. But I felt great afterwards because being brave & asking him for this favour really paid off.
This is why I suggest you always keep at it because you can get the things you really need even if asking for them is scary.