Coping with Early Stages of Citalopram

[keithwms]

Sparkle, I hope we regain our holiday excitement soon!

I am now right about at the three week mark and have decided to increase to 20 mg.

I contemplated this for several days and discussed with my doc and therapist. The main reasons to go to 20 are: (1) the side-effects have subsided enough that I feel I can soldier through them and reasonably try 20 without fear; (2) 20 seems statistically more likely to be a good match to me, physically; (3) I felt some nice benefit for a few days on 10 in the 2nd week but it faded and I lapsed back not some anxiety, so I am curious whether that was the med trying to win the battle and falling short or perhaps I just let some other anxiety in.... in any case, I feel brave enough to try 20. Oh and (4) my long-term plan is to be brimming with happiness and joy at the end of summer, so I'd like to sort through the dose experiments now. So off I go!

My A/D symptoms are mostly manageable but I did feel a bit weepy in the past few days, having a hard time talking with my family etc. I have a therapist visit this afternoon which I look forward to, she usually gets me to open up pretty well, so if I sob then, well, that's a useful data point. I want to talk to her about why the new job prospect causes me such stress and anxiety and sadness. I think I know why but I am curious how well I can talk about it. The goal of using the med is to try to enable myself to talk about such things and sort through it without, you know, just collapsing in a pile of A/D.

I continue to worry a bit about my weight loss, just because it doesn't seem to have stabilized. I've lost more than 5 pounds in the three weeks since I started citalopram. I do look good feel better about my image than before... and so I got some new clothes But anorexia is one (rare) side effect so of course, me be an anxious person, I gotta worry! You know how it is, if there is something to worry about then I will do that well and thoroughly! Do guys even get anorexia?! I guess we do but anyway my issue doesn't seem to be anything like that, it's that I simply don't have much appetite because my stomach churns with anxiety. I might seek a beta blocker if I don't get some relief soon.

I'm sticking to my calendar: planning for real wellness by the end of summer. One way or another, I will make it happen.

[keithwms]

On day two of the higher dose 20 after three weeks at 10.

As expected, some stomach upset... bloating, cramps, but nothing like the initial start at 10. I actually have an appetite now. It's still not 100%, and I don't really feel like cooking per se, but I do feel like eating some good food and actually enjoying flavors again.

Regarding my current job / new job anxiety, I had a good chat with a therapist about that and realized that maybe I have a hard time distinguishing between anxiety and excitement. It's been so long since I really felt the latter But I do get sweaty palms when I think about moving away to a new job, even though it's just 100 miles up the road.

The wired/tired feeling is mostly gone, and I hope it doesn't come back. I have had a bit of the giddiness that I experienced in week 2, but not so extreme, and I am now able to sleep quite well.

My motivation must be peaking again, I joined a gym and mused with some people about getting on a regimen. I think my body image has improved a good bit, mostly payoff from the forced workouts I prescribed myself a few months ago, but also perhaps the meds allowing me to see positives every now and then.

It's not all roses and sunshine yet, and I fully expect to get whacked hard a few more times... but my attitude now is: bring it, I'm ready. I'm slowly developing a dark sense of humor about the negative thoughts. As I discussed with my therapist, maybe that's the major benefit of the meds, if they allow me to distance myself enough from those thoughts to look at them more objectively.

Progress. Hoping that the dose change doesn't whack me over the next few days but... so far so good.

My relatives and friends have been sooo supportive. I suppose I told about 6 people that I was doing this and all have been amazing. I cannot say express just valuable it is to have someone check in every now and then and offer encouragement. I felt like I was going off a bridge on my own...

[Spot-the-frog]

Keith that all sounds pretty positive and progress is being made.

I am on day 19 of 40mg Citalopram (7 weeks on cit varying doses!). I feel a tiny bit better, I have a little bit of an appetite but still feel anxious especially first thing in the morning. i still have dreadful muscle tightness in my diaphragm, ribs, neck and shoulders but I have decided not to worry about it and just put up with it. Have lost another 2.5 lbs (

I had my second counselling session yesterday and have been given some graded exposure to do (among other things), there is nothing wrong if I don't achieve it, so why do I now feel under pressure? I know I have to push my limits or else I will get nowhere. My task is to drive on the motorway to a large shopping outlet about 30 minutes away (half way to where I work), then on another day drive to work, i don't have to go in can just come back again. It doesn't seem hard but driving is one of my stumbling blocks at the moment. Yesterday i drove to my counselling session which is not too far and was ok, today I drove to the chemist to pick up my prescription again not too far. I think if i break it down into smaller steps it might be more helpful. Everything seems so difficult but I really must push myself.

It is so good when you have supportive people behind you, my partner, my family and a couple of friends are there for me and it makes so much difference.

[keithwms]

Thanks. Sounds like you're making some good progress as well! Congrats. Every step is significant. And yes, you will feel pressure regardless! I had another epiphany with my therapist the other day though, which may apply to you: it is hard to tell the difference between anxiety and excitement. they are actually quite similar emotions, particularly in my (our) state. So maybe ask yourself if you aren't feeling a bit excited about stepping out of the cage, so to speak, and at the same time afraid. That would be totally natural.

That's good that you have some graded assignments, I suppose it's a bit like going to the gym and slowly building up strength.

I am of course having the predictable stomach disturbances after my dose upgrade ~3-4 days ago but nothing I can't handle. I still feel a bit giddy, which always concerns me because that's when I am vulnerable to getting whacked back down. But unless it's my imagination, things are calming a bit.

I just got a very large assignment at work and was at first worried, but then concluded that it'd be really good to focus on work and get my mind off things. Again, I find the absolute worst thing to do is give myself any idle time to dwell on how I feel. Blank walls and ceilings are the enemy when you start this med!

[keithwms]

On day 5 of the higher dose (20), the temporary giddiness has subsided and.... yep, I am definitely feeling the anxiety

I've felt very anxious for the last day or two, tending to worry about pretty much anything and everything. As a point of reference, I ask myself how I feel about my upcoming family vacation in two weeks, and my I am now... yes... anxious about it again

This anxiety comes a few days earlier than the it did when I started from zero to 10mg; in that case it was around day 7 or 8 that I had the worst of it.

Side effects have diminished nicely... I am sleeping reasonably well; 6 hours seems to be all that I can manage, but I'm grateful for that much. I have been able to eat a bit more, though I am still not exactly enthused about eating. I was worried about weight loss but that seems to have stabilized. To try to get my mind off things and work through the chemical changes, I've been going to a gym and thinking about a more positive body image. Hey, if the meds made me lose 10 lbs of belly flab, might as well make something good of it and keep it off and tone up those abs! Lemonade out of lemons.

During this anxious phase, I am struggling hard not to allow myself to consider really big issues such as my job, relationships, finances, etc., which are all naturally stressful to me anyway. I am hoping to get back to a less anxious point soon and then be abel to look at those things in a more rational way.

One of the things I really worry about it whether friends will be weirded out if they see me so anxious etc. I've done my best to explain that I am temporarily more anxious than usual but will come back to normal soon. But that is probably the biggest anxiety for me, the fear of losing my friends. Must stop that way of thinking!

Hmm I really need a teddy bear to hug and feel like having a cry I sure hope this phase passes quickly. I am faithful that it will.

[Jon Dimond]

Good luck with it Keith. I was probably lowest in the 2 weeks after going from 10-20. Hang in there and keep thinking positive.

[Spot-the-frog]

Keith - sending hugs your way

Felt a little bit better yesterday but today seem a bit down and more anxious than usual. I am worrying about having my hair done on Saturday! Totally over thinking and am trying to sort out my irrational thoughts!

Went for a drive today to the garden centre (driving is one of my blips), after about 10 minutes I did calm down and was able to drive ok, got to the the garden centre and bought a few shrubs for the garden. As part of my counselling homework I am supposed to be driving on the motorway and to my work place before Tuesday but I don't think I will manage it. I need smaller steps first.

Why is everything just so darn difficult, I seem to spend my life struggling along when other people just breeze through their lives. Am I jealous? Hell yes!!!

[keithwms]

Thank you Jon, I really appreciate it! And i hope your transition is a good one.

Spot-the-frog, I definitely can empathize with your frustration about seeing others seemingly breezing through their lives and feeling jealous about that. I am a professional anxiety machine, it seems- I don't remember ever not having sweaty plams or a racing heart over everything from school to sex to money to... you name it!

I don't think we need to blame ourselves for our anxiety though. I think society makes people anxious, unnecessarily... there are so many things that intrude on our peace. I mean, who the hell came up with all this traffic and noise and crazy scheduling and manufactured stress?!

the other point I would make, in this regard, is maybe it is a skill to feel as much as we do. Maybe it can be an asset. I do think it gives me additional insight and certainly more creative energy, sometimes. I'm not sure I'd even want to be as numb as some people around me. Do I really want to fit into the big machine so well that I just accept everything and go with it? Of course, I also don't want to feel this much anxiety, so there is a balance.

Going to lunch with friends now. I really love it that I can spend time with them and nobody is weird about it. It means so much to me.

P.S. Thanks for the support and hugs! Right back at ya!

[keithwms]

I've been wondering which foods might be good for the stomach upset, and found this on the Livestrong website (http://www.livestrong.com/article/46...xzz2U9XAC053):

Bland foods tend to be easier on a stomach that is just recovering from digestive distress. One popular bland food diet your doctor might prescribe is the BRAT diet, which is a diet of bananas, rice, applesauce and toast. She might also allow you to add other bland foods if your digestive system permits them.

Other foods commonly permitted on a bland diet include saltine crackers, clear soups, weak tea, tofu, boiled potatoes, eggs, skinless chicken breast, canned or cooked vegetables, low-fat milk and Cream of Wheat.

To this I would only add to avoid stimulants like caffeine, sugary foods, and soft drinks.

Many have said that chamomille tea is soothing... might put you to sleep though. I also find that curries are surprisingly good as a sleep-aid.

[Spot-the-frog]

Hi Keith, hope you don't mind me hopping onto your thread like this?

I went for a drive yesterday and all was well, not to far but went and bought some plants. Today I thought I would go further afield to a different plant nursery. I was fine driving there, but after 2 minutes inside I came over feeling very weird (pre-panic sensation) and instead of staying there for a little while I bolted! When I was back in my car I felt a bit better and I then drove home. I feel so down that this happened, I am trying to be positive and say to myself well at least you drove there and back. How on earth am I supposed to go back to work next week if i can't spend 5 minutes in a shop. So now I am in a worry loop about work and getting wound up about that. I tried to make an appointment to see a doctor next week so if I need to I can get my sick note extended but they have now said I have to phone up Tuesday for Wednesday (yesterday it was Friday for Tuesday!)......

Have been on 40mg of cit for 3 weeks now and I still feel no better off. Though I have to say I am better than I was 8 weeks ago so some progress has been made.

Am off to do some housework now to take my mind off things


:-(