Re: My Diazepam withdrawal Diary
Thanks for the post.
I can't say for sure no. I have had panic and anxiety since I was 6 years old and I'm 28 now. That's most of my life.
Things all went down hill for me last october when I came off my medication after 11 years use. In January of this year, things hit the fan for me and out of the blue my anxiety took over my life in a way it never has in my 22 years of having this condition. There has been no reason for it to either. I had an amazing job, lots of friends, a great girlfriend who I was going to marry and live with later this year. The first time in my life things were really looking up for me. I've lost all those things now.
I tried getting back on the SSRIs but this time round, they absolutely destroyed me. I stuck with Citalopram for 2 and a half months, hoping things would improve. They didn't. So I changed to Escitalopram which I've been on for 2 and a half months also.
On top of all this, the diazepam I've been taking constantly since February, no longer does anything for me, and since reducing the dose, my symptoms have got so much worse, but truth be told, I just don't know what is to blame.
I've never been so scared in my entire life as I am right now because once I don't know what condition I'm in, once the diazepam is completely out my system. If I'm still like this, then it wasn't the benzo but it's either the SSRI or just how I am now.
So the step after this is to go through months and months and months of trial and error on different anti depressant medication which will inevitably cause me lots and lots of problems, especially when starting and changing doses.
I don't know if I prepared to go through that.
I don't regard life as something precious or worthwhile and I never have, even when I was at my most happiest and anxiety free. I've always had a bleak outlook on what the point of us being alive really is. I've always had the train of thought that if life ever gets too uncomfortable or things aren't going my way then there is no point putting myself through the torture of it all. That's how I've always been and I don't see that ever changing. My outlook on life is very bleak. I wonder what the point of it is. We are all going to die one day and be forgotten. Sure we will be remembered for a few years by close friends and family, but inevitably as the years go by, we are very insignificant. As an atheist, I know there is no afterlife or greater meaning to all this. Even if there was, that wouldn't make me feel better. I would hate the thought of living on after death or any of the other fairy tales that some people might believe.
My anxiety has never even been close to this. I know anxiety better than anyone. I've had it for pretty much my entire life. It's ruined my childhood more than anyone could imagine. It's always been manageable though and situational. SInce January, it's been constant, 24 hours a day. Right now, I'm so depersonalised with the world, that nothing seems the slightest bit real to me. I can't distinguish between what's real and what's a dream. It's so bad that I can't even interact with anyone because it just doesn't seem real. I have been bed bound for over three months. I have tried and tried and tried to make small steps to go out, or go downstairs etc but I feel no better, so for now I'm just making myself as comfortable as possible and that for me means spending my time in bed, normally with a pillow over my head.
If it's not the valium causing this, then I don't know if I'm prepared to go through the next steps. I'm not saying any of this for sympathy or to get attention. I know that people on here have had it so much worse than me. The last 11 years of my life have pretty much been 95% anxiety free, especially the last few years.
If this isn't the valium, then I'm not prepared to have this as my new life. For my parents sake, I'm willing to give this until January the 4th 2014. That would be exactly a year after this all kicked off. I haven't told them this of course.
My intentions to end my life have been SO strong for the last 4 months. I have been self harming just to feel something. I don't tell or show people as I don't do it for attention. I also have 'everything set up' so to speak for when I really do find life too uncomfortable. I could be pain free in 20 minutes.
It's not like I haven't seeked professional help either. I struggled a few months ago so wanted a nice long sleep, not to kill myself, just wanted to 'not be here' for a few hours so I took a bit too much valium. My mum found out and rang an ambulance and they took me to A and E. I didn't intend on ending my life. A and E just popped me down in the waiting room, took some bloods after 4 hours, 2 hours later they told me they lost the bloods and I was free to leave.
Please don't think I'm saying any of this for attention. I'm really not. I feel anonymous on here so I feel free to be able to say these things. None of you know who I am in real life or anything so I can say these things without fear of having some mental health team turn up on my doorstep to try and talk me out of my thought process or section me. I've always had this train of thought and it's only got stronger since my life has become unbearable. And yes, I understand how so many people suffer worse than me, but they choose to suffer. I don't. I will never let myself suffer unnecessarily.
Sorry for this long and negative post but I'm glad I've got this off my chest and hopefully a few of you may understand me a bit better now. I'm not able to tell anyone who knows me these things from fear of them sectioning me or some other intervention.
So, if it's not the valium causing this, then I guess I don't have too long left as I'm only prepared to put myself through the mental torture of drug trial and error for so long for my parents sake.
Again, please don't think I'm writing this for sympathy or attention. Please just accept this as how I've always been.
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"I'd Rather Live Than Live Forever"