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Thread: My Diazepam withdrawal Diary

  1. #21
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    Re: My Diazepam withdrawal Diary

    I agree with kittikat, give yourself a rest from the symptoms. You've put your body and mind through the mill, give it a break. I know you want off but to do it to quick isn't a good thing. No wonder you feel down you've got a he'll of a lot on you plate at the mo, you've not only got yourself to get well but now your dad's having problems and that will have a knock on effect on you. You will feel scared because you are own your own and when we are our minds start playing up and doing the negative thought and chat but try to pay it no attention I know it's easy said than done but you can do it.the headache is probably a stress one because of today's events.
    Last edited by clio51; 05-06-13 at 23:42.

  2. #22
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    Re: My Diazepam withdrawal Diary

    Glad you've decided to take the decrease slower Steve, your body needs to adjust to every dose decrease and you are very poorly at the min so give yourself a break hun, i think your being too hard on yourself, you will get off the diazepam because you want too, its the people that don't when it becomes a problem, you know where i am x x
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  3. #23
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    Re: My Diazepam withdrawal Diary

    Hey Steve, how you feeling? X x
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    You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it x x x x x x x x

  4. #24
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    Re: My Diazepam withdrawal Diary

    Hi Steveo
    Addiction to Valium is VERY real
    And I believe some people are more easily addicted than others.
    As is withdrawal symptoms
    And you are sure that it is Valium and not cit symptoms.
    You are the only person who could possibly know that.

    However, I would say, even accepting your genuine withdrawal symptoms,
    ANXIETY can play tricks on our mental and physical health.
    I have many times felt so low or had major panic attacks .'for no reason'
    And I KNOW I would've def blamed it on a med if I had been taking one at the time, cos I am constantly looking for reasons why I'm feeling bad or panicky.

    I am almost phobic about taking ANY meds cos when I was feeling at my
    VERY worst and the doc prescribed me antidepressants they made me feel 'SOOO ILL' from day one that I only ever lasted a few days. I tried quite a few, and had to accept that i cannot tolerate the side effects and ADs are not for me.

    Also when my PAs are very bad. And I haven't taken any meds, I am constantly looking for a reason so that i can exclude it and 'Cure' myself.
    I have blamed, food (food poisoning -even when the rest if my family ate the same thing -and were totally fine!), the weather (being too hot), fizzy drinks (caffeine, food colouring, gas), ANYTHING new like soap, perfume, drycleaning smells)....even bloody vitamin tablets!!!
    I now can only take paracetamol or Valium and only if I am extremely desperate!!

    Even after 30 years, and I regard myself as an intelligent person, I STILL have trouble accepting that my symptoms are 'JUST ANXIETY' and that as before it WILL pass, and I WONT die,

    I cannot emphasis enough, how much i admire the people on this site who continue for WEEKS on antidepressants waiting for the startup side effects to reduce. Then they have no effect and have to increase the dosage in steps and even eventually accept that, that certain ADs are not for them and have to start all over again with another one!!! I am overwhelmed with admiration.

    My point to you is, whilst you may genuinely be having withdrawal symptoms from Valium, be aware that when you are having a bad day, especially after having a good day, it may 'just be anxiety' rather than the withdrawals. And nothing to do wi any meds. We all have very bad days and it does not need to be because of meds etc.

    I am sooo glad you are reducing valium things more slowly. You had enough stress at this time without the added torture of withdrawals.

    Good luck to you in your withdrawal programme . You will get there!!
    Mental problems sometimes stop us from seeing clearly, and make us so desperate to rid ourselves f the terrible feelings ASAP.

    Regards

  5. #25
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    Mar 2007
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    Re: My Diazepam withdrawal Diary

    Thanks for the post.

    I can't say for sure no. I have had panic and anxiety since I was 6 years old and I'm 28 now. That's most of my life.

    Things all went down hill for me last october when I came off my medication after 11 years use. In January of this year, things hit the fan for me and out of the blue my anxiety took over my life in a way it never has in my 22 years of having this condition. There has been no reason for it to either. I had an amazing job, lots of friends, a great girlfriend who I was going to marry and live with later this year. The first time in my life things were really looking up for me. I've lost all those things now.

    I tried getting back on the SSRIs but this time round, they absolutely destroyed me. I stuck with Citalopram for 2 and a half months, hoping things would improve. They didn't. So I changed to Escitalopram which I've been on for 2 and a half months also.

    On top of all this, the diazepam I've been taking constantly since February, no longer does anything for me, and since reducing the dose, my symptoms have got so much worse, but truth be told, I just don't know what is to blame.

    I've never been so scared in my entire life as I am right now because once I don't know what condition I'm in, once the diazepam is completely out my system. If I'm still like this, then it wasn't the benzo but it's either the SSRI or just how I am now.

    So the step after this is to go through months and months and months of trial and error on different anti depressant medication which will inevitably cause me lots and lots of problems, especially when starting and changing doses.

    I don't know if I prepared to go through that.

    I don't regard life as something precious or worthwhile and I never have, even when I was at my most happiest and anxiety free. I've always had a bleak outlook on what the point of us being alive really is. I've always had the train of thought that if life ever gets too uncomfortable or things aren't going my way then there is no point putting myself through the torture of it all. That's how I've always been and I don't see that ever changing. My outlook on life is very bleak. I wonder what the point of it is. We are all going to die one day and be forgotten. Sure we will be remembered for a few years by close friends and family, but inevitably as the years go by, we are very insignificant. As an atheist, I know there is no afterlife or greater meaning to all this. Even if there was, that wouldn't make me feel better. I would hate the thought of living on after death or any of the other fairy tales that some people might believe.

    My anxiety has never even been close to this. I know anxiety better than anyone. I've had it for pretty much my entire life. It's ruined my childhood more than anyone could imagine. It's always been manageable though and situational. SInce January, it's been constant, 24 hours a day. Right now, I'm so depersonalised with the world, that nothing seems the slightest bit real to me. I can't distinguish between what's real and what's a dream. It's so bad that I can't even interact with anyone because it just doesn't seem real. I have been bed bound for over three months. I have tried and tried and tried to make small steps to go out, or go downstairs etc but I feel no better, so for now I'm just making myself as comfortable as possible and that for me means spending my time in bed, normally with a pillow over my head.

    If it's not the valium causing this, then I don't know if I'm prepared to go through the next steps. I'm not saying any of this for sympathy or to get attention. I know that people on here have had it so much worse than me. The last 11 years of my life have pretty much been 95% anxiety free, especially the last few years.
    If this isn't the valium, then I'm not prepared to have this as my new life. For my parents sake, I'm willing to give this until January the 4th 2014. That would be exactly a year after this all kicked off. I haven't told them this of course.

    My intentions to end my life have been SO strong for the last 4 months. I have been self harming just to feel something. I don't tell or show people as I don't do it for attention. I also have 'everything set up' so to speak for when I really do find life too uncomfortable. I could be pain free in 20 minutes.

    It's not like I haven't seeked professional help either. I struggled a few months ago so wanted a nice long sleep, not to kill myself, just wanted to 'not be here' for a few hours so I took a bit too much valium. My mum found out and rang an ambulance and they took me to A and E. I didn't intend on ending my life. A and E just popped me down in the waiting room, took some bloods after 4 hours, 2 hours later they told me they lost the bloods and I was free to leave.

    Please don't think I'm saying any of this for attention. I'm really not. I feel anonymous on here so I feel free to be able to say these things. None of you know who I am in real life or anything so I can say these things without fear of having some mental health team turn up on my doorstep to try and talk me out of my thought process or section me. I've always had this train of thought and it's only got stronger since my life has become unbearable. And yes, I understand how so many people suffer worse than me, but they choose to suffer. I don't. I will never let myself suffer unnecessarily.

    Sorry for this long and negative post but I'm glad I've got this off my chest and hopefully a few of you may understand me a bit better now. I'm not able to tell anyone who knows me these things from fear of them sectioning me or some other intervention.

    So, if it's not the valium causing this, then I guess I don't have too long left as I'm only prepared to put myself through the mental torture of drug trial and error for so long for my parents sake.

    Again, please don't think I'm writing this for sympathy or attention. Please just accept this as how I've always been.
    __________________
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  6. #26
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    Re: My Diazepam withdrawal Diary

    Hey Steve, how you feeling hun? X x
    __________________
    You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it x x x x x x x x

  7. #27
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    Re: My Diazepam withdrawal Diary

    Hey Nic.

    Up and down thanks. The lack of good sleep is starting to get to me. I'm waking up with nightmares more frequently now. Often 2 or 3 times a night. Very scary. If I manage to get any other sleep it's heavy dreams only.

    On the up side, a friend text me today whom I haven't seen in ages and said he would pop over and see me today. Because the weather was nice, it lifted my spirit enough to say yes. Then I really started to panic. I haven't seen anyone in months. I have such bad depersonalisation and derealisation and I have big problems being around people as this exacerbates things.
    As it happened, it was really nice to see him and although I was visibly shaking I was OK. He only popped over for 30 mins and brought his new baby with him which was nice. It was really good to see him. He said he's going to help in any way possible to get me back to my old self. It lifted my spirits massively today. I spent the rest of the afternoon on my own in the back garden getting some sun whilst on the laptop. I haven't been outside in absolute weeks.
    I've felt fairly good this evening too. Made myself dinner and played a bit of piano. I was due to make a next cut today (going on my 10 day cuts) but from what you lot have told me, the GP, the P'doc and the helplines, that's just far too fast and will knock me for six again for another 10 days so I'm going to hold off for another few days.

    I still need to plan my dosage cuts around when I'm going to have to make that hellish journey back up to Cardiff to get the rest of my stuff. My dad said he's happy to do it himself but there is so much stuff all over the house that's mine, he won't know what's what and I don't trust him to unplug my computer!!!

    I asked a helpline if taking an extra diazepam as a one off that day, would make much difference to my withdrawal. She seemed to think it would. I might call again on monday and see what someone else has to say. It's going to be one hell of a bad day, but it's not even 24 hours. It's barely going to be 12 hours. I will be back in my bed at the end of the day. My dad will still drive. I can shut my eyes the whole way. If Ricardo managed a trip back from Spain to the UK, I surely must have it in me to do a short trip to Cardiff and back. Once that's done, I don't need to worry about it, I will have all my things and I can start my new life here in Cornwall.

    I just hope I can sleep tonight. I say this every night and I never can. To me, today was a marathon. Having a friend round and going outside and being generally more active than just lying in bed the entire day. It was a lot effort for me today, and just goes to show how far I have to go. I'm no where near the person I was last year. I'm the opposite!

    I wish I didn't have 4 more cuts to make. I don't want to go back down again...not 4 more times! Each time, I really do forget how nasty the symptoms can be. But with this diary, I have a record that I do get slightly better after a while. I will look back on todays post, knowing that I had an OK day, and was out in the sunshine. I'll read this when I'm having a constant panic attack for 4 days running.

    How are you Nic? xxx
    __________________
    "I'd Rather Live Than Live Forever"

  8. #28
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    Re: My Diazepam withdrawal Diary

    Hi Steveo
    So glad to hear your uplifting post today. Wow, you managed quite a lot. Lovely positive visit from your friend. And the sunshine would lift anyone's mood!!
    I was sorry to read your last post. I really think you need to tell your mental health care team how desperately ill you feel. Unfortunately, sometimes you have to practically SHOUT to be heard or could you ask your dad to talk to your doc and get him to tell the doc how bad your situation really is.
    It is ridiculous that when we are our lowest ebb, we need to 'fight' for help!!

    You have said you had a good life,wi things to look forward to in the future.
    There is NO reason you can't have that again
    It is just a matter of getting your condition put on an even keel
    It might be through meds
    CBt
    Or psychotherapy
    If you can, try and replay today in your mind
    The sun
    Your friends visit and supportive words
    His little gorgeous baby
    Getting out of your room

    You achieved a lot
    Be proud of yourself

  9. #29
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    Re: My Diazepam withdrawal Diary

    Steve,

    Soo pleased to read your post tonight really positive words from you, was really upset reading your previous post just wanted to reach out to you.

    BUT,all that talk as gone now.

    It's the depression and anxiety that makes us feel as awful as we do,how can an illness have such cruel effects on use.

    You seeing your friend today was a massive massive step Steve (I couldn't have done that on such short notice) and going out into the garden wow! I'm so pleased for you having the will to do it again back like you were a couple months back. Remember you manage b & q with your dad and the shops for fruit and veg.

    Please leave you next cut for a little while, just so you get the break you need from a few of the symptoms. This will lift you spirits as it as the last couple of days a few more like this will be really good for you and your dad will see a good improvement when he gets back.

    Regarding sleep, I still do not still through I wake 2/3 times a night sometimes more. Last night was really bad it was so warm and stuffy.
    Try not to think I'm I going to sleep tonight,as this already put you in the frame of thinking you won't. What I do is say if I sleep I do if I don't I don't! That way I don't feel any pressure on myself.

    by the way it's my garden that keeps me going,it's something to loose time.

  10. #30
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    Mar 2007
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    Re: My Diazepam withdrawal Diary

    Thanks everyone.

    My previous message though, I still do feel that way just because I always have. It's something I would even think at the happiest times of my life. I'm sorry it's such a dark and horrible message. I'm just not a fighter. If I have a good day, thats great. If I have a good 20 years then thats great too. I just have a low breaking point. I will try not to talk about that again though. It's not positive.

    Regarding the Mental health care Team.... I'm honestly better off nailing jelly to a wall. I wrote a post recently about my experiences with health care professionals since January. Don't get me started again lol.

    And Clio, I think the hot and stuffy weather doesn't help does it! The sun beats down on this bedroom all day. It's like a greenhouse in here. I can't sleep with the windows open either as it's too loud. Bought a deskfan which is great but slightly too loud to sleep with. It's the nightmares and vivid dreams that really really bother me. I can handle not sleeping a full night sleep. I don't do anything with my days so it's ok. But nightmares and vivid dreams!! Horrible.

    I won't be cutting for at least another week. This is the third time this has happened to me and it ALL correlates with cutting diazepam. In a way, I really hope it is the diazepam that's kicking my butt.

    Thanks all so much for your continued support. I honestly don't know what I would do without this place and the support from the wonderful people on here, so thank you sincerely.

    What a bizarre illness we have! How crazy is it that something harmless has ruined all of our lives to some extent! Yet how crippling is it!!
    __________________
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