My Diazepam withdrawal Diary

[nicola1980]

Hi Steve, wow you put a smile on my face reading what you had achieved today you should be proud of yourself well done i know how hard it is seeing people when you feel so bad i hid away for months and refused to see anyone but you did it that's fantastic as regards taking more diazepam just for one day to get your stuff then i don't see it being a problem and it certainly won't knock you back just one day, just do what's necessary to get your belongings. As for dreams i have the most weird and vivid dreams caused by the venlafaxine i think and sometimes they really freak me out :-( Im going through a blip at the min and its bloody horrible, Im struggling to get out of bed in the mornings as I've been feeling bad again :-( this illness is bloody awful and destroys lives but we're made of strong stuff us anxiety sufferers and we will beat this together! I think your right leaving your next diazepam cut a bit longer, get yourself stable ish on the dose your on now but Im so pleased you managed today with your friend that's a huge step :-) keep posting we're all here for you, lots of love and hugs x x x

[steveo]

Right...

Believe it or not, I'm off to a friends BBQ......

As R Kelly once said.... 'My mind is telling me no....but my body... my body is telling yes.'

What the hell am I doing??

I'm trying not to 'think' and just let my body take over and take me there. Auto pilot.

First time I've put on jeans and shoes in absolutely months and going driving! And leaving the house! And leaving my bed!!!!

Oh God....
I'll update later

---------- Post added at 13:58 ---------- Previous post was at 13:29 ----------

Scrap that.

I got half way there and was freaking out too much. The further I got away from the house, the worse I got.

I turned around and drove back home.

Feel awful. Such a failure. I can't believe I'm agoraphobic. How on earth did that happen! Last year I was travelling around europe for weeks and weeks on end with no sleep. Now I can't drive a couple of miles down the road to my mates BBQ.

[nicola1980]

Steve your not a failure at all, at least you tried hun, when i was at my worst i couldn't leave the house, its a step in the right direction but maybe it was just a too bigger step to take at the min, its all about baby steps, look what you achieved yesterday and your calling yourself a failure? It takers time and patience and you will get there, i still freak now if i plan to do anything that's why i can't ever plan anything, i have to still take one day at a time and its bloody frustrating i know! Don't be so hard on yourself, you tried and that's the main thing :-) x x

[Kells81]

Hi Steve

The fact you even wanted to do it is a massive success! Would you honestly have even attempted that a week ago?
You may not have made it all the way there but focus on what you did do. Baby steps and you will get there.

[Snoodlester]

Steveo, like Nicola said you're not a failure and you did try. I don't know if this will help or not but your earlier post inspired me to get out and see if I could do it. My parents went out for the day and I've been worried about being home on my own, but I thought sod it, if Steveo can give it a go so can I! I went out walking for about an hour and to places I've recently dreaded. It was hard but I did it. It is about taking little steps and pushing yourself a little bit further each day - you got out the of the house and drove in the car so that's massive progress. Remember the feeling that you at least wanted to give it a go and try again tomorrow.
Sue x

[steveo]

Thanks everyone.

I wouldn't of even taken my head out from under my pillow a week ago.

I have told my dad that there is no way on earth that I will be able to make it up to Cardiff to get my stuff. I'm quite upset about that. I sort of wanted to go up to make sure everythings packed OK. Going to ask my old housemate to be there to help him.

I seemed to assume I wouldn't have any problem driving down to my friends today, and I sort of have that same thinking towards the Cardiff trip. But while I was driving today, I kept thinking to myself, "Well thank god I'm only a few miles from my house and not half way to Cardiff!!!".

---------- Post added at 17:16 ---------- Previous post was at 17:15 ----------

And I'm really proud of what you did today Sue. I'm very glad to hear how even though I failed today, my post inspired you to go out. x

[Snoodlester]

Thanks Steveo Perhaps your inspiration to me will inspire you to try again! Turn it around, if Sue can do it, so can I! x

[clio51]

Gee whizz Steve thought I was seeing things when I read you post,had to read it twice to make sure lol.

As the others say you went a bit bigger than you could cope with,but we'll done for even thinking of it! I would of freak out and I've not had had the weeks you've had. So come on,!
None of that being a failure no way are you! Don't let it put you off trying something again,you just took a too bigger step that's all.

As Nicola says, I too am like her I can not plan thing's I have to see what I am like that day.
I try to make appointments for that day, ie hairdressers, doctors even dentist appointments I've made I cancelled,they told me last time if I cancel again they taken me off nhs list!!!
I've only seen my sister twice in 2 years and I feel guilty about that,but I have to say that's me that's how I cope. I've booked hols and cancelled days before because I've freaked out and lost loads of money. So you not seeing anybody and being in bedroom and allowing your friend round is brilliant!!

Try not to focus on the Cardiff trip just yet, see how the next few days go baby steps one day at a time. Start by keep going downstairs 2mins,5mins etc then in the garden same again.

[steveo]

I understand that I will have lots of set backs coming up as I am withdrawing off Diazepam. Although I'm going to do it slower, it's not going to be much easier. I just have to enjoy these brief windows of feeling a bit more comfortable while I can.

I've arranged not to go up to Cardiff now. My dad will go and with the help of my old housemate, they will do everything for me. So I don't have that to worry about.

My symptoms will be unpredictable day to day due to the benzos. Side effects come in waves. I'm 11 days since my last cut and every day has got slightly better. I will bite the bullet and do my next cut on Wednesday as that will be 2 weeks. Want to get it over and done with and stop prolonging the inevitable. 2 weeks is the very minimum between cuts.

http://www.benzo.org.uk/manual/bzcha03.htm

The Ashton Manual has confirmed that I am indeed experiencing withdraw symptoms.

[steveo]

So I've decided not to drop my doses in tablet form. It's too inaccurate to do. I really can't chop a 2mg tablet into quarters.

So I rang my GP today and ordered some liquid diazepam solution. It's 2mg of Diazepam per 5ml.

I tried using my drug calculations from my nursing training to work out my cuts and that failed miserably!! Shows how much my brain has gone to pot!

Lucky I found these 2 links - http://www.manuelsweb.com/dose.htm
http://www.non-benzodiazepines.org.uk/taper.html

First one is a drug calculator and the second is a method of dropping diazepam for the liquid solution that I'll be on.

I won't follow it exactly as that's far too slow and cautious for my liking and I'll be on it until next year at that rate!! 48 weeks to be precise! I'm not tapering that slowly!!

I might spread my dose to just once a day instead of twice. Easier to keep track of my cuttings then.

I guess that will be OK rather than spreading it? It has a very long half life so I don't see that being a problem. I will check with the pharmacy.

So my next cut, instead of dropping a whole 0.5mg, I'll drop just 0.25mg one week and 0.25mg the next. That SHOULD in theory make a much smoother drop and not so sudden? Surely that makes sense?

It's been 12 days since my last cut. Had a good weekend but today has been bad. I couldn't sleep again last night. Obviously nothing but dreams when I did. Probably had 2 hours sleep.

Slept almost all of today which was silly. It's going to ruin what little bodyclock I have left.

Haven't left my bed today. Never mind.

I ordered the van hire for Saturday 15th. My dad will be going up with his girlfriend and my housemate will meet him at the house to help. So I no longer have that to worry about. I'm looking forward to getting my stuff back!!!