Always Depressed

[W.I.F.T.S.]

I think I've been depressed since forever. I can give you loads of reasons for it:

Low self-esteem, perfectionism, passivity, low fear threshold, love addiction, approval addiction, omnipotence, entitlement, achievement, anxiety, procrastination, lack of trust in other people and myself.....

I really am trying hard to set my ship on the right course. I'm doing exercise, I've taken up yoga, i'm volunteering, i'm trying really hard to be sociable, i'm reading...

It just feels like I have always been depressed (even if mildly) and that I always will be depressed. I suppose in a wierd way it used to be quite comforting, but now I'm just really sick and frustrated with with it because I know that I'm not getting anywhere near the enjoyment out of life that's possible.

Oh no. I've just had a terrible thought. I've introduced my gf to this site recently because of her panic attacks and she might have read things that I've posted that she wouldn't take too well [xx(]

Oh well. I suppose I'm identifying where my thoughts are negative or dysfunctional (I can't believe how badly I scored on the personality test, because I always try and be productive, so I thought I would have been more positive) and I have to keep trying little bit little to make them more positive.

It just seems so overwhelming and that most of my thinking patterns are well wide of the mark. It feels like I was born 'wrong' and that life is going to be a miserable struggle for me. On the other hand though, I can see how simple techniques can turn very negative patterns into positive ones very quickly. I've mentioned before about an exercise that a cbt counsellor did with me where she asked me to tell her all the bad things in my life and then she said "sit in this chair here and tell me things that you enjoy" and my whole expression and body language changed instantly. I really need to train myself to focus on the positive.

Generally I do feel a lot better recently, however I'm very conscious of my heart beating (especially when I'm lying down) and that's doing my head in and my whole body feels a bit sick with nerves, like when you smoke too many cigarettes.

I would love so much to feel calm, peaceful, happy, capable of anything. It really gets me down that I feel incapable of travelling.

It seems like most other people were 'normal' before they started suffering with panic and anxiety. Are there any other people out there who have always been a bit depressed?

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

[matilda]

I think that i have been slightly depressed since childhood with out realising it. Only when it went full blown after the birth of my second daughter did it become apparent to me. I hope you feel better soon.

[W.I.F.T.S.]

Thanks for your feedback Matilda.

I remember when I did group therapy, I was convinced that i was by far the most ill person in the room- when actually one guy admitted to smashing a door down to get to his wife and kids!

What I'm wondering is "Am I really very ill or do I have psychological 'man flu'?". i know that I feel panicky, but I'm still able to do most things (if not enjoy them), so am I making a really big deal out of it and feeling overly sorry for myself?

I quite like this topic. I'll try and post it as a seperate thread if I don't get told off for starting too many posts.

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

[yorkylover]

Hi there,I have suffered from depression for years.Are you on any meds?I came of mine for 3 months but had to go back on them.Some people who have depression need medication ,its just one of those things.I told my gp I cant stay on them forever,and she told me some people need meds for life.Exersise,diet ect all help,but sometimes we do need the help of meciaction.
Take care

Ellen XX

[W.I.F.T.S.]

Hi ellen,

I did try prozac for about 4 months, but I had horrendous side effects with it and it really put me off medication. I've read that there are other things such as cbt that are atleast as good as meds if not better, because the results stay with you, whereas when you come off meds there is a much greater chance of relapsing.

For me, meds would be an absolute last resort.

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

[LockedShut]

I try to remember a time before I was depressed. I think about being in primary and middle school. But then I realise they were awful, I was bullied throughout, and poor mostly. I don't think I can remember a time where I was truly happy or without worry...

I'm at the point where I don't know if being happy would feel right with me. I stopped taking pills because they took too much of the sadness away too quickly. It just seems too unstable to be happy... at least being depressed, I can't go any lower (for now at least)...

[W.I.F.T.S.]

Hi Locked Shut,

I can totally relate to you. I was bullied at school and we were really poor. There were fleeting times when I felt happy (mostly when I felt a sense of achievement), but I couldn't really say that I generally felt happy until I was 22 and I got my first gf. There were loads of problems in the relationship, but I felt physically euphoric. I saw the world through completely different eyes. I was excited and (comparatively) fearless. I felt validated. It did, however, play havoc with my ego and i became terribly obnoxious.

After about 6 months she cheated on me and the bubble was burst. We carried on going out with each other for another 3 and a half years, but i was in quick sand and at the end of the relationship I had an emotional and mental collapse.

I came home from London to Cheshire and started work in a warehouse because I didn't want any responsibility or stress- I wanted to stay very low and inconspicuous just like you. It never works because when you put yourself in that position you leave yourself open to being bullied and manipulated.

It's been 4 years and I finally have the courage to say "I know that I can't afford to leave the job, but I hate it and it makes me feel depressed and anxious, so I'll leave." I might struggle for money in the short term, but I'm doing myself a huge favour by getting out of a dead end job and going for retraining. It's the perfect time to leave as my course starts in december (after which I can work in my new field) and most companies are starting to recruit for christmas now.

For the biggest part of a year I've been ploughing a lone furrow (if that's the right expression) with my voluntary work- setting up sports teams for a gym. Now, after 10 months, people are coming forward offering to help me with organising things (and I'm letting them do it, which is important for a perfectionist control freak) and I'm starting to feel that I'm getting what I've always wanted: to have friends through doing something that is challenging and for which we have a common purpose.

I feel, for the first time in my life, that I'm starting to do the things that I want to do rather than what is expected of me and that I'm not anybody else's doormat. I feel that I'm building a solid foundation, that I'm being brave enough to try new things and that there are clear goals for the future (optimism), but also that by putting myself out there I am creating opportunites for myself for new and unexpected things to happen (excitement).

I dearly want to be happy and I want to try everything that I can do get there. I've spent thirty years feeling king of happy-depressed, a feeling of security knowing that I've got nothing to lose and a smugness that comes from being hyper-critical and not doing anything myself, so I can't be criticised back. I want genuine, glad to be alive happiness and I really do believe that I can get it. As they say, "madness is repeating the same things and expecting a different outcome" and I know that i have to change, that i have to think differently and to do the things that i have always put off until I was more confident.

Slightly by the by, I run a couple of football teams and on Monday our top scorer was substituted just to give someone else a game not because he was playing badly. He came off the pitch and kicked lumps out of the fencing because he hadn't scored (he's a primary school teacher by the way! lol). When I spoke to him on the phone the day after he told me that his confidence was really low. He scored 30 odd goals last season and he's already got 6 this season. It just amazes me when 'normals' show such dysfunctional behaviour. I've had severe depression and I think that even I would be able to tell myself that 'law of averages', I'm not going to score every game and I will probably score 2 in another to make up for it. No striker scores in every game.

In a way it makes me feel better because I think that everyone has dysfunctional attitudes and it's not just me being weak and negative, but on the other hand I think "well,