i gave up - again

[doll's house]

i gave up one more time - had ticket for going to a vacation and the morning i was supposed to leave, i just realized i am not going to do it. again.
so, im stucked at home for 14 more days of ''vacation'', my friends all think i travelled, i cry, but most then anything else, i feel so empty. i just can't go through all this struggle again and again. somehow, i feel peacefull, like i gave up on my life, like this is it, me stucked forever, behind my 4 walls, never able to leave my hometown.
and lying is worse then anything else, like it is not bad enough i feel different for not having vacations and trips, now i feel like a fraud above everything else.
i am just tired of telling people how bad i feel, tired of crying, tired of not getting any response but - oh, come on, you're fine, you're just making it all up - or not getting any response because people genuinely don't have slightest idea what i am going through and how my life looks like because of all this.

so, i postponed my ticket for wednesday, i am doing it every summer, postponing and killing myself slowly, and i never travelled or even worse i traveleed 2 years ago to different country and managed to stay there for 2 days and then returned home in sheer panic. so if i manage to travel on wednesday i will be staying only 3 days because i have to come back for work. and when i think of going back to work and lying how i got rest and had fun and none of it is true and people coming back tanned and relaxed and me feeling like a failure. this life really sucks.

and it is strange, i am on therapy and i feel fine most of the time, keep anxiety under control, managing to work, go out, i really got better over the years, but once it is summer and vacations everything just comes back, always the same, like i become someone else, like my mind is completely taking control over me and my body. and this year is the worst because i am lying to everyone. previous years i used to tell to a few friends i will be staying home, but this year it is like i got tired of saying everyone anything, i just shut down and isolated myself. it is going to be strange if i go on to that plane on wednesday, no one will know i am doing it. because everyone thinks i am already at the seaside!

i really feel lonely and beaten, this is so exhausting.

[Col]

Bonjour, comment ca va?? Quel dommage......... But before I comment on your hols, if your a French national tres bien, your English is excellent!

I know I'm the same, my fear is going far from home, although before I was a panic attack sufferer I used to go anywhere. It's such a shame but, if you do go and get on that plane on Wednesday, stuff what people think - THATS A HUGE achievement! You made it in the end and that's all that matters

[Tessar]

Hey nora. If I go back a few years and when I took my first holiday abroad, my friends thought I would run away at the airport, I think I thought I would also do that. But somehow I managed to make the flight to the USA.
Well, I have managed other foreign holidays since then. Each time, despite the nerves and anxiety, the rewards for making the effort and overcoming my fear have so been worth it.

My advice is give it a go. the reason I say this is because I am not keen on flying but am getting so much better at it now. Each time I do it, I realise that my fear is lessening. I focus in the reward involved. I am all the way behind you, supporting you.

This life can be for you but it's a case of doing what you may have heard people say..... "face the far and do it anyway". Bearing in mind the immense frustration you feel right now, imagine a more positive outcome, that you did it and took the flight. It would be great to achieve that.

On my first flight on my own, I feared bursting into tears or being too scared to board the aircraft. But these things I feared so much didn't happen. At take off the anticipated anxiety failed to turn up. It felt almost like an anti-climax. I was SO certain I would fall apart emotionally. I don't deny I was nervous but even seasoned travellers can still have nerves. And, more importantly.... when I got there, the achievement felt so good, I did relax and felt very ecstatic.

You're not beaten.
You can still do this.

And, I am feeling that because no-one knows you are taking that flight, actually do you feel that lifts some of the pressure? I think I would,

You can do this, you can do it for yourself. A personal achievement that brings you rewards in life.

Once you have, it will help you see what inner strength you have. It's only by testing yourself sometimes, Nora, that you can really discover how much more you can get from life, that is my experience and I urge you into give it a go.

I'd be more than happy to help you between now and Wednesday if I can...... Meanwhile try to think in a positive way. Such as replacing "what if.... This, that or the other happens" with "when I have got there I can...."

[doll's house]

dear tessar,

thank you so much for your support and kind words and time to write reply to my post. it means a lot to me. what can i say, you understand the feelings and conflict, and it is strange that i have so ambivalent emotions about all this - part of me craves for freedom and i need so much to move, to see things, to feel free, while another part of me is dead scared and in a way forbbid me to enjoy nice things and to actually live normally. i restricted my life so terribly much, sometimes i think there just cannot be way back, i spent exactly half of my life living in this mental prison.
it is silly how sometimes i think i can restart and go fresh, like i never gave up before, like nothing of this ever happened to me before. and i cannot, all this giving ups and fear, they took a toll on me, i can never deny their existence. of course, as all of us, i know i learned so much about myself through this scary experiences, and i know that, in a way, i am so much stronger then people who have no idea what anxieties and panic attacks are. but, you know what, sometimes i just want to be ordinary, simple human being that plans vacations and holidays and doesn't have to think twice which way to take to work, shall i go out on a highway, will i get panic attacks...

this is too long now, i apologize, i just wanted to say - thank you so much.
this morning i thought how its easier to keep lying then to actually take that 4 days trip. that way mind plays tricks on me is annoying - seems like everything seems better then just that one and only thing i should to do to actually feel better for real and to make the improvement. for myself and my life.

[Speranza]

You sound to be doing really well, hang in there... x

[Tessar]

Nora, thank you also for your lovely reply.
i'm glad i was able to help. well, if you are able to do it.... that'll be great. see how you are tomorrow.......
If its any help, I will be doing two short flights myself this thursday. for me this is still pretty scary but As part of recovering from depression and trying to live my life as fully as i can, i looked for things i could do to challenge me.
well this really is a big challenge. someone from my office goes to an offshore office every week, there and back in a day. After 2 years of saying no, I decided to give it a go. Much to my surprise, far from being scared.... I am starting to look forward to my trips. Of course I have nerves, but they can be overcome. Since I started these trips, I feel I have more purpose in life.cit is helping me see how much more I can achieve.

This is why I hope you might be able to challenge yourself. If this proves too much, not to worry. There are other things you can do in the future and build up your confidence,

the ambivalent emotions you mention and part of you craving for freedom. I so relate to that. from my experience and from reading other peoples stories here, i know for sure that you can gradually chip away at the "dead scared" part of you.

Gradually you will find it possible nice again to enjoy nice things and to live normally. Believe me it might not feel like it, but there is way back.8 am familiar with the "mental prison" you speak of. And I escaped it, also this is something you can do in time.

i found your post interesting to read. much of it sounded familiar to me. not scary anymore since I escaped my prison, just familiar. So you keep working at it because there is more to life than you are experiencing at the moment and you can make the improvements you yearn for.

All the best to you my friend. X