Hello everyone, Before I start let me apologies in advance for the length of this post because I know it will be a long one. I've put a couple of entries on this website before… in the past. Everyone who replied to my previous posts helped me through the hardest 4 months of my life and the worst 4 months…. I can never think you enough.
That was about 9-10 months ago. At the time of my previous posts I was experiencing something very new to me and very scary. I had a very intense Panic attack followed by 4 months of intense anxiety (this was at it's worse at work) and then followed by depression as the anxiety slowly, slowly faded. All this made my social and working life hell. But I kept on going through help from family and girlfriend.
I went to see the doctor when I was at my worst and she put on citralopram as she believed I was suffering from depression as well as anxiety. I stopped taking these as they made me feel dizzy and sick which prevented me from carrying out my job. I went back to the doctor and she put my on prozac which only made me feel even worse… so I stopped these as well. Then I started to feel much better all round a few weeks later. So about 4 months after the initial panic attack I felt normal for the first time.
Then about one month later the same happened again! Panic attack for no reason and then anxiety (though this time not quite as scary and intense… as I knew what it was). I went to the doctor who gave me beta blockers which worked brilliantly at stopping the panic/anxiety feeling that plagued me. Well it's now been 5 months since that last panic attack and I still feel like I'm an emotional roller-coaster and have done the whole time.
One day I can feel alright and the next day I have to stop myself from crying over the tiniest things while set at my desk in work! The slightest mistake at work or socially and I feel like my world has fallen on top of me and thoughts of suicide enter my head… even though I'm 99.9% sure I would never harm myself… then 1 hour later I could feel perfectly ok again! That quickly!
I'm obsessed with what people think about me (always have been) and how I'm perceived by others and constantly think that everyone see's the worst in me. My confidence is rock bottom and the slightest thing sends my emotions spiraling out of control. I've been self-medicating with cannabis and alcohol which I know doesn't help matters. It's just a release from all these emotions.
All I want is to be normal again. Be able to make a mistake at work without tumbling into deep depression afterward. Be able to talk to someone I don't know 100% without feeling completely uncomfortable. I don't want any anti-depressants I as feel they only mask problems and don't resolve them. But I don't know what my problem is.
I've had quite an unhappy childhood through moving area's and schools a lot and abusing drugs. Years back at about the age of 18 in front of all my friends I was made to look rdiculous by someone and fell into deep depression after that for a long time... fearing my friends didn't think as much of me following that night and my opinion of myself fell through the floor... I feel as though the mental scar this lad created may never have healed properly... sounds stupid I know.
But now I'm very successful in my job for someone of my age (23) and own my own house, car and have a great girlfriend, enough friends (though I seem to prefer to be on my own more often nowadays and don’t go out nearly as much through fear of something happening socially that shatter me even more...again). I get told a lot I'm very handsome (though I always doubt it and myself). I’m definitely an alpha-male… but nowadays feel less and less so. So you could say I have everything going my way and I've feel quite selfish in writing this as I know a lot of people on this website my not be as fortunate as me... but I'm still here moaning on.
I just don't seem able to shake this permanently. It's nearly been with me for about a year. Should I talk to a counselor? Should I go against my beliefs and s