Harm OCD- the difference between "thoughts" and "urges"? (some mild mature content)

[MrsStobe13]

Hi all,
I just wondered whether somebody could help me with a little question that's been troubling me in regard to Harm OCD. Where does a thought stop being a thought and become an urge? To me, a lot of my "thoughts" are "urges" and in my mind they are very vivid. What scares me is the fact I feel as though I am losing remorse for my thoughts (ie "I could just do that and get this thought over with"). I'm sure I'm not suffering from OCD and my ailments must be a lot worse, but the doctor seems to think it's just OCD.

On Wednesday my neighbour helped me erect some screening. He brought a small scalpel down to cut the cable ties. I had to help him so I couldn't run from my fears, but since then my brain has thought about just going down the garden with a knife and attacking him. In fact, Wednesday morning it just wanted to attack anyone on the estate, just because.

The last few days I've been doing some DIY and have used a screwdriver a lot. I saw the kind of injuries they can inflict on 24hrs in A&E and I keep thinking about stabbing my husband with one. There's also a pair of scissors on the coffee table which I thought about stabbing my husband with.

I can't honestly say I have much of a problem with "thoughts", however, I get strong violent "urges" and this bothers me. My husband has put knives in a container atop the shelf unit as I was sure with my mood (I've just come off of hormonal birth control) I was going to kill someone. I have picked up a knife a few times before but even though the knife feels unnatural I do still get the thoights, it terrifies me as everything I do they seem to haunt me. Sometimes, when the urge is really bad, I even feel the desire to climb up and get the box down. It frightens me that I'm wanting to do these thoughts. Maybe OCD isn't my problem?

As I previously mentioned, I was diagnosed with "anxiety with obsessive traits" on Monday. Previously, I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder though I think the idea of OCD was first overlooked and my GP has agreed, so I am waiting to see a psychiatrist for an affirmative diagnosis and therapy. I am also taking 40mg propranolol twice a day, though I have decided only to use it on really bad days as I'm finding it makes me very sleepy which impacts things like my exercise routine and sex life. I used St John's Wort and Rescue Remedy though these only do so much.

Has anyone else come across anythiing like this? I'm really worried I might actually be a whole different person all of a sudden!

Thanks all

MrsS x

[Speranza]

I can't help but I just wanted to say I send my love and hope it gets sorted soon - I don't know anything about this, but I would guess the fact that you are concerned is some kind of a good sign as far as it goes...

[greg123]

I can relate MrsStobe, I was told by my therapist that this is actually very common with OCD/anxiety. It is our anxiety tricking us into thinking this feeling we are getting is an urge when it's not it's nothing more than a rush of anxiety. The rush of adrenaline you feel when you have the thought makes you feel like you are going to get up and do all these terrible things - causing more panic.

I am also the same a lot of my thoughts feel like urges but that's because I give them too much attention. I have had similar thoughts, at one point I refused to be alone with my own mother because I was sure I would lose control of myself and hurt her. I have had thoughts of slapping/punching/stabbing people I love and I felt like I was going to get up and do it that much that I had to sit on my hands/get out of the room/lock myself in the bathroom. I have also had the knife thing I would not touch one because as soon as I did I had this overwhelming feeling that I was going to lose control of myself.

It really is OCD tricking you, it is not an urge, it is a feeling created by anxiety. It falls under the symptom with anxiety attacks ''feeling like you are going to lose control of yourself'' it's just you have focused on that feeling and your brain has flagged it as a 'dangerous feeling'. I could guarantee you that you will not lose control of yourself or hurt anyone but you wont believe me because OCD causes an excessive doubt in your mind, the only way you will believe it is if you start exposing yourself to these situations.

[katz41]

hi mrs stobe,
i can only empathise as i get harm ocd thoughts. I can only echo what greg is saying and try and absorb that for myself; i am restarting talking therapy on tuesday and i hope i have the courage to voice my own fears;
i go swimming 3-4 times a week and i have to check my cubicle several times before i leave because i am terrified i have hurt someone in there, irrational i know but its one of the features of my ocd; another one is when i get the dog lead out of the drawer, its the same drawer my mum leaves her spare cigarette lighters in, i am terrified i have used one of them to ignite a fire in there and have to keep checking i havent started a fire?? bizarre i know but thats ocd for you!! i've had ocd for 30 odd years and only got the courage up about 4 or 5 years ago to talk to my gp when it impacted heavily on my personal and professional life and i couldnt stand it anymore..it got better for a while and now its really really bad again...i had talking therapy before but the woman was useless, she's since left, i hope it works this time!!
anyway i digress a bit
hope you start feeling better about things soon, i know how distressing it can be
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))
katz

[MrsStobe13]

Hi all and thankyou so much for your thoughts. I have to admit I wrote my post last night in a state of panic which I think may be tiredness/hormone-related. It seems as I get over the synthetic hormones, I'm having more panic attacks. I've actually already started to wonder whether the fact I got my Harm OCD thoughts about 3 weeks after starting the hormonal contraceptive may just be sheer coincidence but then on the contrary I still feel it's contributed. At the time I was under a lot of stress, it was about 4 weeks after losing 3 members of my family in the space of 10 days which was sure to have a detrimental effect. I don't think it hit me nearly as hard as it did at our wedding when there was hardly any on my family on the bride's side, and the groom's side was nearly full!

At the actual ceremony we had a sign asking guests to pick a seat rather than a side in the hope that it might even out a bit. To be honest, the whole damn day was pretty much disastrous and I still cringe when I look back on it. Hubby and I are going to renew our vows on 3rd August 2018 (6 years after our originally chosen date) and we're going to make sure it goes the way we want this time. I know planning a renewal is like the wedding stress all over again, but it's kind of a lovely thought to think I'll have a second wedding, a better wedding than the one I had before. I won't list all the things that went wrong at our original wedding but it left me feeling really broken-hearted. Even hubby and I were so stressed by the time it rolled around we just wanted it over and done with and what should of been full of love and romance ended up being more like a meeting for 60!

Greg123, I'm so pleased (if that's the word) to speak to someone who understands where I'm coming from with these urges. I think what terrifies me is the anger that goes with having them and the urges, you start really believing that these are your true wants and desires. I guess the only snap back to reality I have is that I don't want to be arrested or spend 18 years in jail, I don't want to lose all my friends and family because I hurt someone. Last week I was terrifying myself because admittedly I do find the police uniform quite attractive, I immediately started obsessing that if I found the police attractive and I had these thoughts then maybe I was a killer in the making. I know deep down these thoughts are totally not connected, but telling an obsessing mind that it's not related is near impossible. Perhaps one of the things that terrifies me most is that first thing in the morning my OCD brain asks questions like "who can I kill today?" and "let's just go get the knives down", then rational me kind of goes "holy s**t!! Let's not! You're having crazy lady thoughts again!" It's a constant war in my head.
I've tried to distract myself with some housework the thoughts persist. Old, jovial me used to love a joke. Since having my Harm thoughts I've lost it, I can't take much of at all anymore in case I snap and hurt/kill someone. I don't drink (I used to love the occasional night in town) in case I kill someone while I'm drunk. I'm also on my own 9hrs a day while hubby works and only really have one other friend I see regularly, who has a three-year-old she has to bring with her when she visits. Again, normally I'd be perfectly fine with him, but my Harm OCD kicks in when he refuses to sit and draw nicely or play with his cars quietly. My friend is also trying to detach from a poisonous friendship so I spend a lot of time counselling her when I myself feel like I need some help and support. I've had a look at community groups around my area but I live in quite a rough area where unfortunately, stabbings, shootings and hit-and-run are not entirely rare. My Mum suggested I help at the "Silver Surfers" club (Over 50's computer club) but I worry about being seen coming out of a place like that. The people around here are relentless and if you are spotted, they will shout taunts at you (and probably attack you if you ignore them) because that's what they do for fun, they get these nasty thoughts and actually enjoy them, some of them are as young as 10!

Katz41, I have to say when I swim with my Dad/go out with my Dad my Harm OCD is generally the last thing on my mind. My Dad is dependent on a mobility scooter so I have to help him get it into and out of the car, take responsibility for his trolley/shopping etc. My OCD brain actually saw me lift the hatchback up the other day, catching my Dad under the chin and snapping his neck. I was sat in the passengers seat feeling very tense and with tears rolling down my face. My Dad was very confused but he doesn't understand what I'm dealing with. My family are trying to understand but they offer me lots of emotional support and make statements like "you won't hurt anyone, you're not going to hurt anyone" and "you just need to let go of these thoughts". Now, I know in their heart of hearts they want to help me, but telling someone who is so sure they have/will hurt someone that they haven't/won't is a never ending cycle.

I haven't started or recieved any therapy yet and it's the one thing that terrifies me. Some seem to be able to genuinely help and others not so. My husband is playing therapist pretty well at the moment with the 4 R's technique, he went all Gordon Ramsay on me this morning, telling me to refocus my brain and asking me what I was going to do next with my day. The only downfall is that he's put all the knives out of reach, though I think it's for my protection rather than anyone elses. I'm thinking about asking him to put them back in the holder, one a week so I can try and sort myself out.

Sorry for the long post again all

MrsS x

[Charlotte cosier]

I'm having the same problem :( x

[Speranza]

Actually I can relate a little. I am one of those people (in fact I think almost everyone I know admits to this one) who has thoughts about going nder a train. When I was younger I was really worried that one day I would do it on impulse. I eventually realised that the people who do it have planned it and left notes. Don't know if this helps, but I hope so.

[MrsStobe13]

Speranza, I too was one of those. I've never had it until I was on honeymoon. Our caravan was very near the railway. I spent a fortnight terrified I'd take a walk down to the line. I also spent time with the random urge to just go and touch the line, then I spent an age obsessed because going near the railway was a criminal offence and I couldn't afford £1000.I remember going for a walk along the coastal path (which is near the line at one point) and asking my husband if we could walk on the beach so that I wasn't so near the line. I was newly married, what reason had I to want to kill myself?

Today's obsession seems bizarre, I've shredded my knuckle this morning on the garden fence. I immediately became obsessed with there being my DNA on the garden fence and the police would be able to find me if I killed someone. I'm also very close to binning all the knives completely because I'm so sure I'll snap soon. It's a terrifying thing to go through!

I suppose on the plus side though, I've got my ESA assessment going though.I very much doubt they'll want to put someone out to work who has thoughts of hurting everyone she sets sights on, regardless of whether or not she actually goes through with these thoughts!

MrsS x

[greg123]

http://www.ocdonline.com/articlephillipson1.php

http://www.steveseay.com/category/co...ated-symptoms/


These are just a couple of articles that help me, the book ''the imp of the mind'' is also a good read. That second website has a lot of information on that is helpful!

[MrsStobe13]

Greg123 I've brought Imp Of The Mind which is proving to be quite useful. I will check out the other articles as well.

Thanks again for your help.

MrsS x