My Family- still a nightmare

[W.I.F.T.S.]

I'm feeling really fed up today cos I came in from dropping my gf off at work (not feeling great anyway) and my gran chased me into the kitchen:

"what are you doing about work?"
"there's nothing wrong with you"
"you can't live like this"
"that's no good"
"...so you don't like your job. get on with it"

I tried to explain to her that I'm taking some time off because I've been feeling especially depressed, exhausted and anxious and that I need the rest, the time to look for another job and the flexibility to be able to take time off for interviews, psychological assessments and training courses.

It makes me so angry that she can come in and try and be really bossy and aggressive with me and undermine my confidence like that. My course starts at the begiining of december and it's only for 4 days, after which I'll be able to work in football coaching. So, it's perfectly reasonable for me to temp for 6 weeks. But, she makes me feel under that much pressure to do what she wants me to do that I dare not fail with what I want to do.

She's not all there herself! I really feel like giving it her back big time, but she wouldn't take in what I said, she'd probabaly sling me out or make me feel worse. The worst of it is that I went to Uni to get as far away from my family as possible and I came home because I wasn't well and I needed to feel in a safe place- but being here with my gran and my dad has almost certainly made me worse. I'm 30 and I get told to tody me room! And they're always bitching about me behind my back, my dad stirring it with my gran. Sometimes i really hate the ****ing lot of them!!

My dad'd had a heart attack and now he's found out that he's got diabetes too and he still eats chips, pies, pate, bacon, sausages, he's out drinking lots and he's smoking. I really feel like giving up on them because worrying about them and trying to please them is one of the biggest things that has made me ill.

I'd move out, but I couldn't afford it and I still don't feel well enough for such a big step.

Atleast my mum and my bro try and help a bit, but they're forever talking behind my back too. Why can't people just be nice to me and try and support me? I don't want to fall out with them. I've made huge efforts to build bridges with them and I've gone out of my way to help them. Why do they have to constantly be so negative and critical? It honestly feels like they don't like me. I know that my bro got it when he lived here and that it really did his head in too.

I really just feel like I need some sanctuary where nobody has a go at me and where I'm popular, respected, loved. It is so easy to feel depressed and that situations like this have to be endured because there is no alternative. [V]

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

[anxious]

Hi there,

you've made a plan of what you need to do to help yourself recover - stick with it.
Sometimes family say the things they do out of frustration. I know my husband does. He can quite upset me with the things he says but he finds it difficult to know how to support me.
Older people tend to have a view of ' just get on with it, stiff upper lip and all that.
I've been told 'to snap out of it' many a time. WOW don't i wish is could just do that.
Sometimes its as if people think you enjoy being this way or even do it on purpose!!
((((((hugs))))))
you are here with people that do understand,

anx x

Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects

[W.I.F.T.S.]

Cheers anxious. My gran's nearly 80 and I'm sure she's got senile dementure or something. You're right, it is 'just get on with it' and to an extent she's right. She does have some really good mottos like "if that's the worst that troubles us, we'll have nothing to worry about". The thing that she fails to realise is that there are more opportunities these days. If you don't like a job, there are other jobs and you don't have to drive yourself into the ground doing something that makes you miserable.

I have just got to stand my ground and do what's right for me. I have to see a psychologist at the start of next month and my training course is at the start of december and my current employer wouldn't give me time off for them. Plus, it will help me to manage money better doing temp work and getting paid weekly and it's good that i don't have to work full weeks with an agency, if I don't feel so good then i can make myself unavailable.

Ok, the money's not so good, but it's what I have to do. It'll only be for 6 weeks and then I should hopefully be working in a job with much higher earning potential.

I know she worries about me, but it's no good her coming at me so aggressively and refusing to even listen to my point of view. She is a real matriach and she terrifies the whole family. Ok, I could have been more assertive in expressing my plans, but I did tell her my intentions and she chose not to listen. I'm not that confident in what I'm doing, which is why I've sought advice on here. It really annoys me that my dad probably winds her up about it and he's not got much of a better track record than me- that is one side of his character that I really don't like.

The bottom line is that I've got to do things for me. I've been trying to leave me current job since atleast the start of the year and nothing is coming up. I'm not prepared to wait any longer because the more time I spend there the more depressed and anxious i become. It would be great to leave my current job and step straight into another one, but it's not working like that. I've got to put myself in a position where I have to do something about it.

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

[Paddington]

hi wish!You have sanctuary here mate!Oh families who dont understand aye?The bug bear of most of us on here!And the trying toplease them too.That has echoed round this forum since i joined!We are ,by nature,i believe, people pleasers,we GENUINELY care how others feeland what they think of us.Butyou are doing soooo well,and have your life plan all ready for you,soTAKE NO NOTICE!Hold that plan in your heart and the warmth of taking control of your destiny,let that be your comfort for now.Your Nan is old fashioned ,wish,she went thru wars and all sorts ,they have a different mind set,and it can be so hurtful and annoying,my mom's fave saying to me is' your wishbone is where yur backbone should be'..nice aye!!she thinks it helps me ,sort of pull yourself together be strong!Well i am strong now,but it wasnt always this way.You stick to your guns hun,i am ever so proud of you!Love mary rose.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore

[yorkylover]

Hi there your not alone in how your feeling Im 39 and still at home,alot of it is due to my illness but also cant afford a place.Families dont understand but they can be supportive.My partner is very supportive,but my mum and I argue a fair bit.Because were at home they think were still about 10 sometimes.I worry about my parents health all the time.
Im lucky I have my dog so i get take him out to get away,thats when Im able to get out alone,if Im up to it which lately I havent been.
things will get better.


Ellen XX

[net]

i live with parents cos of money issues and cant work for physical health reasons which my dad understands what he cant get his head round is the depression anxiety and panic attacks and agoraphobia
he always wants to know why i wont go somewhere
he is 79 so i think their generation cant empathise very good

i used to get from my uncle "when you've lived through the same as me you'll have a reason to be depressed", i felt like punching him

my therapist today told me to do 'problem solving'
where you write down the problem and then the goal you want and brainstorm solutions then for each solution you write down pros and cons then you look at them and decide which one you can handle

ie you want to leave your job. con is money. can you live with less money if you can then that is the solution. it doesnt matter how many pros or cons on the list its what you can live with that matters

its helped me already today
it might help you make such a difficult decision

i personally think if the job you are doing is making you so depressed then get out
ignore family remember its your life not theirs



netty


the dreams of the future are better than the history of the past

[chelsea]

Hi wifts,

Family can be a joy but usually a pain, i had the same with mine i think they forget that you are an adult and still treat you like a child. You have to switch of babe and try not to let it drag you down. And it probably isnt intentional just they dont understand anxiety and depression. You sound like you are getting your life into gear so remain strong and stick to your plan. And you know that you always have this site for some sanctuary. And dont hestitate to msn me even if its to let off i dont mind. We all need a rant sometimes and its better out than in.

Take care babe.

xxxxxxxxxxxxhugxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

donna