you are definitely right - no amount of reassurance from other people will make me feel truly happy and the thing is I don't even believe them and I only believe what my brain tells me which are all awful stuff (im gonna die, i have cancer etc)

THE worst thing are all the "WHAT IFs", i am only 19 but I have diagnosed myself with at least 4 cancers, and I am still 80% sure that I will get one specific cancer when im older, the uncertainty is the worst part, what ifs what ifs what ifs....The thing is I never will know when will cancer happen to me, or will it ever happen? (My mind keeps telling me it will) I don't want to waste my youth like this as I am still so young and my future should be full of wonderful things but instead i kept imagining myself in my own funeral which is so so so scary. I don't know how to cope with this anymore, its ruining my mental and physical help and I feel so helpless at all times and i feel like i will die soon and i cant enjoy THIS moment.