Had my Graduation today in the midst of deep, deep depersonalisation.

[Cmack]

I can't go on anymore...

Today was on paper the most important day of my life so far. But for me, it was just another painful day of presenting a front and acting like nothing's the matter.

I'm writting this post in tears right now and really can't see a way out.
Everyday is a constant battle, and now my anxiety is so advanced, i really don't feel like i'm here, or like i'm controlling my body anymore. This is 24/7.

Today really brought home all what i've been through and seeing my Uni freinds for the first time in over 8 months really made me reflect on what i've become- A shadow of my former self, merely just existing.

I'm 22, never had a girilferind and life couldn't be any worse. I'm so, so close to just ending my life, dispite having, on paper what seems like a potentially promising future.

People say stay positive, but i cant do it anymore. I really, really need help. I'm seeing a Pych soon, but don't hold out much hope for this.

[PanchoGoz]

Hi Cmack
It might make you feel rotten but....WELL DONE FOR GRADUATING!!!!! It's not easy to pass a uni course and you have managed it.
I say this because, not only am I proud of you and hope to achieve the same thing in two years myself, but because it shows the depression you are in. Something great has happened, you are a true adult now with letters by your name, but this mental illness is an opaque filter, not letting you enjoy the experience. Remember, there is still the good experience, there is still you intact in the midst of this storm. You and your experience will live on no matter what, but when it's seperated out by this awful thing, life doesn't seem worth living.

I've had a look through your introduction post...could you tell us how long you took each medication? Also what sort of therapy are you getting from the psychiatrist.

That's something you have to look forward to. Something that will help, even if you feel it won't. You will get to the bottom of this, you still have so many options left to sort yourself out!

Sounds like, for now, you need to get out of this depression and subsequent detachment from reality enough to think more rationally.

It helps to have some exercise in the fresh air every day. Drink water and make sure your iron levels are normal. Vitimin C helps iron absorption. Remain in contact with others even if it hurts. Do lots of fun, mind-filling things like computer games, playing with pets, being creative. Gardening I find very helpful too, as you are at one with nature.
If you find your thoughts are constantly pulled into worries and catastrophisations, put them in a mental worry box and attend to them at an appointed time of day.

Lots of things you can do to feel better. Even if you "feel" you can't get better, there's no harm in trying. Even if it's just something to do and think about.

[Speranza]

When I was at Uni I remember thinking one day, "I can't live the rest of my life without the colours in it..."

The colours came back.

[LollyPolly]

Hi Calum,
A big wholehearted congratulations!!

I very much agree with Pachos' recommendations and Speranza - a great way of putting it!

I really hear your pain and I can relate so much, my life has recently been pure hell but, i still have some hope... albeit not great, but still something. is there any place/ activity that makes you feel comfortable? or at least better? i.e home for me is a bit of an escape... i get a breather sometimes and feel 'normal' which lets me respite a bit.

in terms of meds, how long have you tried them for? i took sertraline for 10 days and stopped as it gave me the worst SE ever... i've just started taking citalopram and is much better, although i don't feel any benefits whatsoever ... just yet. My point being, perhaps you haven't taken them long enough or perhaps you may need to change the dosage.
although i don't like the idea of taking drugs, i think sometimes they just be needed for a period of time to give us time to recharge our batteries... I'm also considering seeing a psychiatrist privately to enquire about drugs and dosages, just one session, as they would have a much better idea of what works. perhaps is something you may want to try?

as for therapy, i've been seeing someone for 4 years and although i still have anxiety problems it helped a lot in general... i think you will find it useful... give it try, it's worth it.

and when you feel crap, come here, write whatever you want, it will help unload and also get some reassurance from people who completely understand what you are going through

[Col]

WELL DONE CMACK.

It might be a piece of paper but one day you will look back and be soooo sooo very proud of yourself for achieving your degree, in the midst of darkness and despair. Whether you use it or not, it will give you a bit of self worth and personal achievement - that's how I see having my BSc.

I struggle with accepting the me during my breakdown compared to, the care free me, before this
happend.

There really are no words to describe my heart break and suffering especially having kids and letting them down because I was to afraid to even take them to the local park. But kids or no kids, I can relate to you and the reflections your making! It's an awful affliction but you were happy and content once , so it's definately achievable again. Hang on in there.

[K-OSS]

I can't go on anymore...

Today was on paper the most important day of my life so far. But for me, it was just another painful day of presenting a front and acting like nothing's the matter.

I'm writting this post in tears right now and really can't see a way out.
Everyday is a constant battle, and now my anxiety is so advanced, i really don't feel like i'm here, or like i'm controlling my body anymore. This is 24/7.

Today really brought home all what i've been through and seeing my Uni freinds for the first time in over 8 months really made me reflect on what i've become- A shadow of my former self, merely just existing.

I'm 22, never had a girilferind and life couldn't be any worse. I'm so, so close to just ending my life, dispite having, on paper what seems like a potentially promising future.

People say stay positive, but i cant do it anymore. I really, really need help. I'm seeing a Pych soon, but don't hold out much hope for this.

I don't think you should contemplate ending your life, you lose by default if you do. Not to mention the handicap of being dead is, not being able to do anything, including all of those things you enjoy.

Also 22 is young you have your whole life ahead of you, you can talk to me and PM me if you need. Just stay strong and talk, life is amazing, from all of the combinations YOU exist YOUR consciousnesses exists, it's not something to be thrown away. You can chance your situation.

[inCOGnito]

My graduation sucked just like that, lol. It doesn't bother me now though. right now your head is full of thoughts. Thoughts about what life should have been like, thoughts about how you think life should be, and thoughts about how the future will suck based on how you feel now.

Its all thoughts.

since then i've learned that. I had to go to the bottom of hell before i realised that.

you'll find a way out. It's inevitable.