Health Anxiety? Must be worse this time!
Hello all! I need to first off start by saying that this might be a bit long and I apologize in advance; I am also quite young, I am a fifteen year old female. I believe I am suffering from Health Anxiety, and there are signs that I have in the past, of course those signs and past experiences aren't nearly as bad as what I'm suffering from now. I believe I need to write down almost everything I can remember so you all can help me determine whether or not I do actually have HA or whether something is seriously wrong with me (which I am told by many people [on different forums as well] that nothing is).
So I am going to go back to my earlier memories of this, they may be out of order and not as descriptive but I'll give it a go. I always stayed with my grandparents during the summer when my mom worked during the day and I remember my grandma had to get ankle surgery one time. She had to get bolts in her ankles because she was unable to walk properly. I was maybe around 8 or 9 and I had asked her how that happened and she had told me that people with flat feet (for instance me) have a higher chance of getting ankle problems in the future. So I then had my grandma check my ankles and determine whether or not I was looking for or whether I was possibly going to need surgery in the future. Seems kind of funny thinking about it now, but it does certainly sound like HA, a mild case at least.
Also during my stay at my grandparents one day, we went on a roadtrip to animal shelters all over the state because they wanted to pick out a dog. I was experiencing pain in the side of my torso on the right hand side, near my lower back. I had asked my grandma what was wrong with me and she told me that maybe it was my kidneys and that maybe I needed to start drinking and eating healthier to reduce aches and pains. I remember that pain lasted an entire day and I was worried about it, to the point where when I got back to their house I laid down on the couch and refused to play with my toys like I normally would. I would say I was around the same age then, 8 or 9.
I do vaguely remember a time when I had a migraine and was sensitive to light. Although I didn't worry too much because the very next day it was gone.
When I was around 10 or 11 I had just started getting the series of three shots for HPV and shortly after my third shot I was sitting at home by myself (during the summer) and I felt a lump in my neck. I felt it and started to freak out. That's when I remember first using google. I had checked and saw that it could very well be a lymph node, I was also scared that it may very well be what my dad had earlier on, swollen salivary glands. My main concern was just getting surgery on it, I didn't cause myself to believe I had a scary disease or anything. But I got really upset during that time and I stopped going on the computer daily like I normally would to talk to friends and what not. I spent every night for a couple of weeks (maybe months that summer) with my mom watching movies and cuddling with her. I didn't want to talk to my friends and I just wanted to be with her because I felt safe. I would frequently lift my head and check to see if I could still feel it and would move my head around to see if it still moved. Which it did. I eventually went to my pediatrician because my parents didn't want to see me worried any longer. My doctor said it was a swollen lymph node and sent me to get an ultra sound and blood work done. Nothing showed up on the ultra sound and I went back to my doctor who told me that it was nothing to worry about, that it was just a crazy happening and that it would probably go back down to normal size when I got older and grew more into my body. That's when I began to quit worrying about that. I later found out that swollen glands are a side effect of the HPV shot, so that very well could've been it.
The summer going into seventh grade year I had gotten a rash on my right breast. I had recently gotten in a public pool with my friend and I noticed my breast was a little agitated after sitting around in a wet bathing suit and chafing for a little while, so I told myself that for a little while. I went to my grandpa's house and we had Dr Oz on and the topic was breast cancer. One of the signs was a rash on the breast that never went away, of course this began to worry me to no end. At the age of 12 I began to do self checks and of course I wasn't all that developed yet! My family and I went on a trip to disney world and I spent every night in the hotel room checking to see if I felt anything. I didn't go to my pediatrician about it and the rash went away and so did my worries. I don't recall ever looking anything up on the internet that go-round.
The next year (around summer time) I couldn't sleep. It started out of the blue, insomnia. I tried to sleep but I couldn't and I would keep looking over at the alarm clock hoping I was dreaming that I was awake and not actually sitting up not sleeping. I was scared and I didn't know why I was the way I was and I thought that maybe something was wrong with me. I was about 12 or 13 and I was in the 7th grade then. I then began to sleep with my parents (embarrassing, I know) and that made me feel more secure and much better. Being alone did not help my worries. I was scared to go over a friends house for a sleepover because I didn't want to be the only one up after everyone fell asleep. I was just terrified of being the only one awake and the only one around. That summer I went for my annual check up and my doctor felt my neck and said I had a goiter (enlarged thyroid). She sent me to get some more bloodwork and an ultra sound done. The ultra sound just showed that it was in fact a bit enlarged and the bloodwork showed that I did indeed have a hyperactive thyroid. I was then sent to a cardiologist (because my blood pressure and heart beat was high) and I also got an EKG and an ECHO. They all came back fine (my blood pressure was indeed high though, but believed it was just from the hyperthyroidism). I was around 98 pounds and I was going on 5'4". I was sent to an endocrinologist who then began to put me on methamizole. I was to return to her every 3 months and they would check to see if my dosage needed to be changed according to my hormone levels. When I returned they said that I was responding well but it needed to be increased. I was more worried about possibly needing surgery to fix this, one of my mom's friends told me that she had a thyroid problem and she had to get hers removed. Of course this worried me. But after taking the medication I was back to my normal sleeping habits and I had gained all the weight I should've weighed at the time, back. I went every three months and finally we got the right dosage for me and I stopped going to the endo (which was probably a bad decision).
And now here we are, I have just finished my freshmen year and it is now summer time again. It started off with breast pain in my right breast which began in April, it was bearable it was just a little on and off pain. I was on my period though so I was telling myself that maybe it was just a little uncomfortable due to the fact that they're a little swollen from PMS. The next month during my period I felt it again just not as noticeable. Went away afterwards like last time. In June I felt it again, during my period. This time I was worried though and then I began to google my symptoms! I found things on cyclic breasts (which made sense for me considering I had it with each period and no other time), breast cysts, and the dreaded breast cancer which I believed I had. I began to do self checks again and got scared every time I felt something (which of course was probably just a natural bump/lump from developing or being swollen from my PMS). This time I was terrified, I was having nightmares to the point where one night I woke up and threw up in the bathroom. It was probably one of the most intense periods I've ever had, lasting for almost 7 days and being the heaviest it's ever been. I had intense cramps which radiated to my thighs and sometimes lower back and I had a loss of appetite because of my recent stress. I continued to google though and I continued to worry and one night I was watching a Walk To Remember. This is where everything got worse..
I was merely curious. I decided to google leukemia symptoms. I didn't think I had it, nope. I just wanted to know how they went about diagnosing the disease. I was satisfied that I got my answer and although I did see some symptoms that made me go, "hmm, I have that occasionally", I forgot about and went back to worrying about my breast cancer concerns. The day when I woke up from the breast cancer nightmare and puked was when it set it off. I could've sworn somewhere I had read that vomiting was a symptom of leukemia. I don't know whether that's true but I believed it was and I laid in my parents bed that day sad and frightened, thinking to myself "I'm dying, I have this problem". I had read that aching joints and bones was one of the symptoms and that headaches was common. A few days passed and that's when my arms began to ache. It was a dull pain and I believed it was from a side plank I had done wrong the other day. But it persisted and then a few days passed and my legs ached. It just worried me because I was scared it meant bone/joint pain. I didn't want to leave the house, I didn't really feel like talking to friends. I just sat with my mom and watched tv with her again every night. She made me feel better. My mom reassured me that I was fine and that I would have so many other symptoms of the disease if I actually had it (my mom knew someone's daughter that had it and claimed I showed no symptoms). I began to google "anxiety symptoms" and felt a little better knowing what I was feeling was in the list of 100+ anxiety symptoms. I began to feel a little better and started to exercise with my mom and I went to work a few days a week (I had started a job the previous summer). Eventually I got my mind off of everything and the "anxiety" symptoms went away and I felt so much better.
I then went for my annual doctors appointment and she did a breast check (without my asking, which I didn't have a problem with!) and she found nothing, and if she did I'm sure she would've told me. So that's when my breast cancer worries subsided. But my doctor did say that I had begun to lose a bit more weight and she told me she wanted me to get more bloodwork for my thyroid to see if the levels were off and if my medication needed to be upped/lessened. Needless to say I have an endo appointment in August (I hope, I heard that apparently I need to reschedule it!) and I have recently gotten my bloodwork done, waiting for my doctor to call back with results.
My family and I went to the ocean for our vacation and one day I was at the beach with my mom suntanning and I began to feel my heart beat fast. It was really loud too, almost like I could hear my heart beat and feel it thumb against my towel as I tanned. I was kind of scared but said to myself "maybe I'm just thirsty", so I drank my water. I told my mom I wanted to head back to the condo and so we packed up and I was kind of struggling to bring the stuff back. I felt kind of light headed and felt kind of weak while carrying the cooler. We finally made it back to the condo and by the time I made it back inside I was down on the couch. I needed to sit down and relax. I could feel my heart still beating loudly and quickly and I just kind of rested my body, letting myself calm down. I didn't know where it came from and I still to this day don't know whether it was a panic attack. I don't believe it was considering I didn't really feel like someone was sitting on my chest and nothing tingled on my body. The feeling went away, but about 2 or so days later my left arm began to ache..
It very well could've been a natural ache (I'm sure it was considering I was sleeping on a broken pull out couch), but I couldn't help but dwell on it. Probably making it worse than it was. It was kind of a heavy feeling in my upper arm. I thought to myself "those jet skis and gokarts probably didn't help the situation out either". I focused on it a lot and said to myself "watch..next thing I know my legs are going to ache again." And sure enough they began to the next day. Kind of like the same ache as last time. I said to myself "good thing the pain isn't near my knees, I guess.." (still worried about L and joint pain). Next day, the achiness was around my knees and then I began to worry even more. I dwelled on the pain, probably causing it to get worse. I was mainly worried because I have never felt anxiety symptoms before, or felt any symptom for that matter when I was worried about my health in the past. I feel like maybe this is just the worst it's ever been considering I'm older and I have hormones from PMS as well as my thyroid problem. We drove back home and I still felt this way, I stayed up at crazy hours researching things on google, trying to find people who are just like me. I felt like I was going mad almost. But I continued to spend every night with my mom, talking to her about my worries. She listened, and told me I was fine and that I would know if there was something seriously wrong with me. She also told me that I should know by now that it's my summer time worries acting up, considering my other stories were all during the summer time too. That seems to be when it acts up the most and when I spend the most time thinking about everything to myself.
A few days later I began to wake up for no reason (immediately wake up) from having a bad nightmare about the disease I fear having. I was awake at early hours, like 9 or sometimes 8 in the morning. I couldn't fall back asleep either, so I just decided to stay up. My appetite was a little iffy around this time because of course I was worried again and my stool was softer than usual. Time went on and I began to sleep with my parents again, feeling safer. I began to get new "anxiety symptoms" though, that only worried me a bit more. Tingling sensations in my legs, sides of my torso, and rarely in upper arms. I would also get a buzzing feeling in my leg muscles and I would usually focus on how I walked, checking to see if I felt weak and/or if my knees felt weird when I walked. Normally they did, but I figured it was just because I was focusing on it, when I wasn't I didn't really feel any different. Thought it was merely a coincidence. I'd occasionally get muscle twitching (painless) in my legs that sometimes made my entire leg jump, arms (entire arm jump), upper back (just like little painless throbs in the muscles), and rarely side of torso.
This is where I am now and I am unsure as to whether or not this is all HA related or not. I do in fact have hyperthyroidism so I'm thinking maybe this could all just be because of my hormone levels being inbalanced. I am also going through mild PMS right now (no breast pain at all! Although I haven't exactly "begun" yet) and maybe with THOSE extra hormones that's why everything is getting worse now than it was a week or so ago. I sometimes sit with my mom reading and/or eating dinner and she'll just see my face go completely blank, or turn into a sad face. She'll ask what's wrong and I'll tell her how I'm feeling. I feel like fear is overwhelming me, like in that moment something is keeping me from thinking happy thoughts. All that's running through my head is "I've got this disease and I can do nothing about it.." and I feel my heart beat get a bit faster (not incredibly, when I count my pulse it's usually in low 90s or late 80s when I'm at complete rest.) and I begin to breathe fast, trying to calm myself down more quickly. I feel like I just want to break down and cry during those times as well. Then it soon passes and I focus on what ever I'm doing with the help of her reassurance constant "Maddy, you're fine!"'s.
I am just wondering if it's possible for this to be HA, main question. I feel like it could be but at the same time something is keeping me from leaving those "you have that disease" thoughts behind. It's kind of like they're stuck with me and there's nothing I can do about it. The "anxiety symptoms" are all new to me and honestly scare me, making the disease I believe I have seem much more..there! (if that makes sense.) I sometimes sit on my floor and cry and get really angry, wishing I could just make these symptoms stop and go away that way I can go back to living my normal life. I'm sure constantly thinking about them is only making them worse and more persistent (although the leg aches are on and off and come and go in certain places in my legs, sometimes around knees which continues to worry me). I'm pretty much just having tingling sensation in my legs and sometimes arms now (sometimes sides of torso) and I'm unsure as to whether or not it's just in my muscles, in my skin, or in my bones (the thought of that terrifies me). I also get very jittery and shaky when anxious and overwhelmed with fear. I get chills like I'm in a cold room and my legs begin to twitch like crazy! One minute my leg jumps, the next my arm does. All completely painless though! It would just look a little funny to someone who doesn't know what's going on with me.
I thank you for those who have read all of this and I am so glad you actually did, it means a lot! Please just write down what you think this could be and help set my mind at ease! Other than all of those symptoms I don't suffer from easy bruising/bleeding, I don't get headaches all that often (in fact, never really..), no abdominal pain (just tingling sensations in the sides of my torso, which sometimes I get scared over, thinking that could be the abdominal area, which in fact isn't..) and no paleness in the face or anything of that nature. Sometimes I just believe I am being irrational but other times I can't help but think something is wrong with me. My mom tells me it should go away at the end of summer like it has in the past (even though my "symptoms" then weren't as bad as this time).
Once again, thank you. It means a lot to me that you have gone and read all of this, I look forward to reading your reassuring answers!
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