Hi there! This is my first time posting on this website, but I am glad I have found your post.

I am having a similar thought about not loving someone, I hope you don't mind me explaining it to you as I'm having a very stressful time with it all.

Basically, I am 20 years old and had been with my partner for 5 years, however, he unexpectedly broke up with me 2 months ago. I was heart broken, broken within my self and felt as if life would never be the same again. And then after 1 month apart, we started hanging out again for about 4 days, and it was lovely. However, 1 evening, I looked at him and felt absolutely nothing. All my feelings had dissapeared for him, it was like a light bulb had gone off, but this happened within seconds, not over a few days. One minute the feelings that were there for 5 years were there, then the next they had gone.

3 weeks have past since that night, and my feelings keep flitting between on and off now. Instead of completely off.

It was a terribly unpleasant experience, because all I wanted for 2 months was to get back together, to be 'us' again. I spoke to around 14 people about it, to get their opinions, and they all said I felt nothing for him because I had been incredibly hurt by him, someone I never thought would leave me, did. And now I had this 'barrier' up and my mind is protecting it self from getting hurt again. I also rang a relationship helpline (a professional counsellor) and she said the emotional void'ness could be depression, which I have recently been diagnosed with.

However, now I feel that it has got a whole lot worse. I have been having intrusive thoughts about not loving him, even though deep down I know I do love him. And if I don't love him, then I will not be happy with not loving him, so it's not like it's something that I want to feel.

But as soon as I wake up, the thought of not loving him is there, and it's very distressing for me. I don't want to feel like this.

I don't want to move on from him, nor do I want to be single. I want us to be 'us' again. But right now I just don't know how I feel, because my mind keeps telling me different, and that makes me worry that it's true.

I have told him everything. He knows everything about my intrusive thoughts and what has been happening in my mind. He has been incredibly supportive, as always. But I just wish I could go back to feeling like I love him again, because that's how I truly want to feel.

I should tell you that I have depression, as OCD, and have also suffered from intrusive thoughts around 2 years ago.

I'm sorry for the long message!