Intrusive thoughts ruining my life :/

[worried 101]

Oh my gosh i have also been through horrible relationship anxiety and i cant tell you what a relief I just felt finding this thread!
Right now I am goin through a really bad patch with it. My partner has had some bad health news and has been quite distant compared to usual and just not himself and I've had a bad time with my depression and anxiety(havent been able to go to work)
Well tonight ive had the worst panic attacks ever and its due to these relationship anxieties and similar worries to what you guys have had.
I have been through these before and always come through them but its been a while since i have had them and forgot how horrible they are and how easy it is to believe these intrusive thoughts.
I have to say i really do love my partner, he has been extremely supportive of me but I just have these horrible intusive thoughts thta cause me panic attacks and I cant stand them. Really gets me down. :(

[Shaznayhawkes]

Its so awful to get these, especially when you havnt had them in a while. The thing to try and remember is that they will eventually pass. Whenever I get these thoughts, as much as they feel truly real, I'm always trying to remind myself that I've had them before and and go. I know when they do go, I feel like a weight has been lifted and I've come out of a fog. Whilst I'm having them, I do tell me partner and/ or a close friend, just so that I'm not trying to combat them on my own as that often seems so much harder. And like you say, you do love your partner. My therapist once said that these thoughts wouldn't cause you so much distress if you didn't love him, so bear that in mind

[Tessar]

I thoroughly recommend sharing with your partner; I often feared my partner was going off me or that if they were quiet "it must be down to me". When I overcame worries about asking & made the effort to ask, I discovered that it wasnt me. Sometimes it was nothing. There was nothing wrong. Nothing going on. My partner was just quiet & that was it. If something happened & perhaps they were short with me, it would upset me. So I got brave enough to talk about those feelings too. Since then, things have improved greatly as she now knows that I will get upset if there are raised voices in the house. I just cant help it. But from my angle too I need to be aware that sometimes there may be things I do that might not go down well but I can adjust my attitude & behaviour sometimes as well. We do compromise when necessary & share our awareness. Regarding health matters: Again talk about it. I have helped my partner through some health difficulties. She wasnt that good about opening up but I encouraged her to do that. Its helped alot. She is on the mend now. I know that my support helped her alot. In fact I felt closer to her much of the time because she really needed me. It was nice to feel needed.

[aaaamy22]

Thank you so much for all the replies! It's so helpful and such a relief to have other people sharing the same experience, so thank you!

[bluebottle]

A lot of people don't realise that intrusive thoughts are OCD. I found it comforting when I found out and can now almost let them pass over me.

[worried 101]

hi guys.
still goign through this horrible relationship anxiety. i sorta want to explain when it came about its a bit of a long winded story so please bare with me.
i have been with my partner for over three years now, and have a great relationship, i have been through anxiety in the relationship before and got over it.
at the moment its really bad, it started when my boyfriend got some pretty bad news about his health (heart prolblem) and we were due to go camping and got stuck in some traffic and he got mad and shouted half at me but more at the situation...was like 'well this is a great holiday isnt it?!'
hes never ever shouted before and when we got there apologised but still distsnt the next day. Hardly bad behaviour considering his news eh?! jesus i would have been so much worse and i do not blame him in the slightest for being distant and not himself.
but straight away i felt this anxiety and this worry about what if it carried on like this.. him being distant....what if we didnt work... the usual that people on this thread feel.
I feel awful as its hardly like hes done anything wrong...ive been goign through other anxieties as well as this and depression and hes had his stuff and so weve been feeling pretty down and not that close and thats just adding to my anxiety.
we are going on holiday with his children on sat and although i think it will give us time to relax together i still feel scared about it. i litearlly broke down this eve as was so worried.
sorry to go on guys i just felt i needed to speak to people who i know will understand.

[Tessar]

Hey worried. I am sorry u & your boyfriend r having to contend with his bad news. Altho i havnt bn in that situation, there have been occasions when my partner has shouted or got heated with a situation especially driving or being directed by me) so i know what it feels like
. Last time it happened to me we were away as well. In the end i brought the subject up as it left me feeling really bad. She had apologised to me straight away as it made me cry But i eeded to stop ithappeningagain as it isnt what i want from a relationship and i am sure its not what u want either!
I wold suggest finding a way, if u can of explaining how it makes u feel. I didnt want to have to do that but my partner hadnt realised how sensitive i was to changes in mood. For my part i have had to learn not to interpret every quietmoment she has as bekng down to me. Also i have learnedto realise that sometimes she is jjst quiet by nature.
You can also empathise with them about thneir health news & offer to discuss it if that would help. Maybe they are trying to protect you from their fears? But of course that could indeed make the. Quiet while they reflect.
The timing wasnt good right before yojr holiday but i hope it goes ok..

[worried 101]

hey tessar.
Thanks for the advice. I have spoken to my partner before about it and he has apologized for it and tbh im not even sure hos shout was directed at me but more towards the situation we were in. it is very very unlike him to get so angry and he has not since got angry and i know he was only like it because of the news he had got.
I know i need to move on from it as this is where my anxiety of the relationship has stemed from this time but i just cant seem to shake it.
Makes me feel so horrible and sad and so just want this stupid anxiety to dissapear! Im terrified of these anxieties as it about something that's so important to me.
Feel like im goign to wreck the holiday becuase of this stupid anxiety.
Grrr i hate it so much!

[aaaamy22]

I told my partner last night. Although he was originally upset, he did say he'd stick by me and always be there to help me. But today I saw him for about five minutes as we ran into each other, but he seemed really uncomfortable with me, I'm worried I've just made the relationship worse by dragging him into the fears and worries I have about us. It did make me feel better, however I'm beginning to wonder whether it was the right decision.

[Tessar]

Hey aaaamy..... Something it's really useful to remember is.... When people go about their daily business, they may be deeply focused on something t that moment we chance across them. So for instance, at the point you bumped into your boyfriend, he might have been distant for any number of reasons. Sometimes perhaps it might just be that the person is tired or stressed but these things aren't caused by something you did or by your presence.
It is really to assume that .we are responsible for other people's moods. That we must have said or done something that's made them distant, moody, sad etc. but in reality it wasn't us,the situation has either caused by something or someone e,we or indeed there is no "situation" in the first place.
I used to worry alot that my partner seemed distant. This would happen particularly in the evenings. I'd sit there thinking what have I done, or is it something I haven't done,
. A few times I asked them if there was anything wrong. There never was, she wasn't aware she was being distant or quiet. Sometimes though I'd ask again & again which if course was a nuisance (& unnecessary too). I agreed to rain it in. Now I might ask once occasionally, but once I have my answer, that's it. I take on board what she says.
Also, do remember that not every situation, every person who is in a bad mood, or sad or distant.. ..not every situation like that is your responsibility to put right. And indeed those situations in any relationship do not spell the end, they do not spell the worst. Think of your moods, up , down etc. I bet you wouldn't expect your partner to notice every mood & help you with it. Sometimes you might be feeling reflective which could make you quiet. But that doesn't mean you need to be brought out of the quiet phase as you may be content there.
Don't forget as well that even you need time to adjust now that you have spoken with your boyfriend, it was the right thing to do you know. Communication is important for relationships, they are after all a partnership. Like they say it takes two to tango. You never know, it might make your boyfriend more aware that he too can share stuff with you.
At the moment, having just taken this big step, you will be bound to notice everything in greater detail. Your feelings/fears will of course move heightened. Maybe it's time to take a step back, reflect more positively about the good things in your relationship. Make a point of noticing them. You can share those things with your partner too so he gets a positive vibe as well. Encourage him to let you know what works for him as well. All in good time though, you can't deal with all of it in one hit but at least you are journeying together and that's what's going to help you in the longer term.