"I want to die..."

[sambomonkee]

I took that title from something Stephen Fry once wrote, I believe he was writing about his time on QI, being funny and happy when inside all he was hearing was "I want to die".

Well that's a good comparison to my life, I am presently sitting here in the office, with "that" smile on my face, but inside I am hearing that same old sentence, over and over again. This only two months after the last time, back here again, who would have thought it would have come round so quick.

Just two months ago everything came to a peak, and within two weeks I was about to carry out the most mortal of sins, suicide, mainly due to a complete break down I managed to not do it, but was dumped on the Crisis teams, who reviewed me and sent me back to the wolves with yet another pill. Strangely this one worked, well it work for two weeks, I then developed a tolerance too it, and slowly come around in circles to here again, the cross roads of despair.

I'm again locked in my own head, watching from afar, as the robot self gets on with life, and the real me inside is screaming, screaming so loud, but no body can hear. One word can describe this, its hell, and I mean actual hell, ie your worst fears, deepest darkest despair, pain, its all here, in my head in my small world in here.

To people that have not suffered, they have no concept of that, but to people that know what I am talking about, im sure you can relate.

All of these caused by what the media and some people see as small issues, get on with your life they say, snap out of it, but due to a combination of anxiety based fears, OCD in terms of thought patterns I always spiral out of control, lately though, the bottom of my pit has lowered, and now I am the last chance saloon, two ways out, one is life one is death.

Which one do I take, well as it stands the latter is the most appealing, mainly due to the fact that its intermingled in my personality now, its something that is controllable, its something that has a surreal comfort too it. I will not say what else is my life but I have not been "alive" for years now, so whats the difference, carry on regardless, seek help yet again to be thrown another pill that does not work, or take the easy, the cowards route out?

I'm not looking for any sympathy or trying to seek any attention (that is the last thing I want), I just want to put it down in writing, so hopefully, some of you can see, that maybe there are people worse and let you see where my faults lay and help you out of this stinking pit, as nobody deserves to be here, I mean nobody.

As it stands, don't rush out and try and find my IP, I am in no immediate danger, but I feel that I am at that cross road and I am heavily leaning toward that road to darkness, rest and most important ending of the fear, the planning for my journey is now beginning.

One questions nags at me in all this, and that is why? Why am I like this, what have i done wrong, if your religious why would a greater being allow people to suffer like this, just why, none of it makes sense. Why me....just Why?

[aggiecuttler]

hi i am a christian and was diagnosed with a brain tumour this year, but you can not see things as clearly as its gods will its not, and if you ask him to help you he will help, and it offers me so much comfort, to be able to do this. we all have different paths and we all have hurdles to climb, you have a hurdle and its not easy if the meds are not working then i would try and join a christian group or something as this would help you, people will be understanding and loving and do not judge, keep going with the meds and the drs will find one that works, life is precious and although taking your life may seem to be a way out its one that you can never go back on, keep posting and if you want to pm please do i will help you through as best as i can, blessings

[sambomonkee]

I'm still not sure even why I wrote the above, it felt like something I had to do for some reason.

I would say that I'm not religious per say, or in the traditional sense, I believe, well I know as its scientifically proven that all energy is NEVER lost, ie me clapping my hands uses energy, that energy is then turned into sound energy and heat etc etc equal to amount it took to move my arms, all energy is pretty much eternal, so up-scale that, and humans are just a bundle of energy, that energy will then transform into something else, fact.

Do I believe in a single or multi being controlling anything, no I don't think so, if i am wrong though, the first question I will ask, is why the suffering, but I do believe there is a strict and defined order and everything has is place and task however small and pointless it may seem to us, was or is that by design, I'm open to ideas on that one.

My point being I guess is that I can't like you maybe call upon faith to help me, I can find no comfort there, I wish I was one of those people that do feel faith makes a difference. Faith in People is a different thing, in the whole the human race it pretty amazing, and most people are just so kind, although when people try to help me with kind words or direct help I become very uncomfortable, and shy away from it, as I feel I'm wasting their time, hence I rather people don't show any sympathy on here, just makes me feel very uncomfortable indeed and unworthy of it.

I have no idea where this is or am going, feels like one of my counselling seasons where it goes off on a crazy tangent.

[sambomonkee]

Well today the road seemed allot shorter than first thought, with the space of a few seconds I had decided to do it, there and then, no fear just realisation of how to do it quickly, at the same point the tears started to flow the body shakes uncontrollable, which gave me enough time to back off, but it was a close call.

Still I then did next what seemed the rational thing to do (thinking back maybe not), was drive over 40 miles in one direction to a beauty spot, I sat there for what seemed like 30 minutes, but in fact was 4 hours, must have been locked in my head.

I felt worse when I heard people where out looking for me, I had not asked for them to do that, but I guess I'm not thinking straight about anything.

Anyway, back at home (which was a struggle to come back too), and have my first CBT season tomorrow, guess I'm going into this completely wrong frame of mind for it to work.

I have also made the decision to come off the Mirtazapine, I am going to slowly withdraw from it since it is doing absolutely nothing any more, a massive disappointment after the first two weeks on it - 2 months in total. I think I'm going to have to give the GP one more try, but I suspect I really need to be under the wing of a psychologist now, if not on the NHS I will pay to go private.

In the mean time, this is pretty much my only outlet, words flow from my fingers so much easier than speaking.

[Tufty]

I don't read all the threads on the forum but the title of yours drew me in. I have had a few days of high anxiety and am having those thoughts of 'I wish I were dead' again. I too have been under the crisis team and been on the medication merry go round. Interestingly Mirtazapine worked well for me for a month but after 10 weeks I was worse than when I started. I reduced the Mirtazapine slowly and didn't suffer any withdrawal effects.

There is hope, no one stays like this forever, it will pass. Suicide is never the right solution, the suffering of mental illness is immeasurable and feels intolerable, but you will cope. Next week or next month you will be feeling better again and back to enjoying things. Please go to see your Dr, explain to him what happened today and ask to be referred to a specialist. Sometimes all we need is time to pass for us to feel better, sometimes we need medication and talking therapies but having support and hope are essential. Never give up, try to accept that this is how you feel at the moment and it just is, don't try to escape from it or understand it, it just is.

Take care
Sam

[sambomonkee]

I saw the CBT/mindfulness person today, who I think was also a psychologist??, anyway, my appointment turned from one hour into 1.5 hours, for obvious reasons. This person was a million times better than the crappy session I had 10 years ago.

I have to go back again at 4pm today, as she wants to see what can be done to get me through the weekend (always the worst times for me). I'm not sure what that will involve, but Crisis team and hospital was mentioned again, I quite simply just don't care.

She did ask if I could keep myself safe, and I had to answer honestly to that, and that being I simply do not know, it only takes a split second like last time and I may not be able to stop it.

I'm a riding the the wave of adrenaline from the meeting at the moment, but I just waiting for the come down from that and the expected low that follows.

Some of the stuff she went through made complete sense, and one thing well two things I have thought separate issues in the mess I'm in turn out to be related, which I have never put together before, strange I have never connected them, but its so obvious now.

[Tufty]

I'm really pleased you were able to speak openly to her about how you've been feeling. It sounds like she is rightly concerned about you and taking action, I hope you're reassured by this and that some support is put in place.

Do you have list of people you can contact in a crisis? I was asked to make one last time I crashed and although I have not used it yet, it is reassuring to know there are people I can phone. Stop and phone someone before you take any action, even if you think there is no point, talking to people and letting the moment pass is sometimes all that we need.

Keep us posted

Sam x

[sambomonkee]

Just spent another 1 and half hours in the GP surgery, another 30 minutes with the CBT lady, and hour with the GP (poor sod), whilst there he phoned the mental health team I saw last time, but then had to phone the Crisis team, I thought they were the same? Anyway, as I know I will be most risk at the weekend, the Crisis team are coming to me tomorrow, which is actually good as I have something to aim at, instead of just hanging on for the end of the weekend.

The GP was on the phone reading back what I had done yesterday, it was just cringe worthy, just wanted him to shut up.

One thing I did't realise was that last time they diagnosed me with 3 disorders!!, one was recurring depressive disorder, one was something with "somatic" in it, and the other I knew about being HA Anxiety.

I'm sitting on the wave of adrenaline at the moment, so feel OK, but that will crash later, it is reassuring to have some sort of support though, I don't feel so alone.

[sambomonkee]

Under the care of the crisis team now, they came yesterday and spent two hours here, had a few choices for today, one being they came to see me or I contact them if things go wrong. They said their job was to keep people out of hospital, which makes sense.

I choose the later, both did not appeal, but the later seemed to most flexible, that said today has been bad, a little bit of self harm and many suicidal thoughts, have not got the motivation to phone them.

I just want to give up, I have fought this far too long, in my head the trigger for the anxiety which starts the decline is just so real, I going to pop two of three Diazpam, and hope it knocks me out to see out at least another day (GP appointment Wednesday)

I have found writing on here a bit of an outlet, but that seems to have stopped working as well :(.

[blingkasa]

Hello, Sorry to hear what you are going through. It is so hard to describe but you have really managed to put into words what so many of us feel. It is all part of an Illness that can't be seen and that makes it worse, as people just dont " get it". I realized the other day that we get the normal feelings of being sad, unhappy,worried, guilty, anxious etc but depression seems to have no real description does it? It's just gloom and emptiness and yet we dont know why we have it and feel so unworthy and hopeless. I am going through a bad time as well at the moment, there are days i just stay in bed where i feel safe. And i get labelled " lazy" which is so far from the truth as its not even laziness that keeps me in bed, its because i feel less threatened and i dont want to face " people" and the " world" and all its demands when its hard at times to just walk ! I just want you to know that the fact you can write it all down and have people around who are able to offer you some help is a great thing. Dont place demands on yourself and never for one minute think you are not worthy because you are and I am grateful you took time to write how you feel as a lot of us can identify with it. At times like this faith is the last thing we beleive we have, but, if we can find it within to keep going and to start to see this illness as an illness then there are always ways of feeling better. I tend to over judge myself and this turns into self loathing and i wish i was " normal" but, i dont there is such a thing as totally " normal". Anyway, do keep going, find your path, and dont give up, sometimes miracles happen. I am on my 10th week of prozac and still waiting it to kick in. You are not alone in this. Never think you are. Lots of Love.