"I want to die..."

[AuntieMoosie]

Hello there,

Well, with me, you are most definitely talking to someone who knows exactly what it's like to be where you are, as I've been there myself and wouldn't want to visit again.

I have to say that I admire you for the way you are coping and dealing with it.

I just couldn't, I was consumed morning, noon and night with Suicidal thoughts and death and dying to the point that I just couldn't function safely at all.

I had a CPN come to see me at first and she asked me if I could promise her that I would do anything........I said no, I'm sorry but I'm just unable to promise anything like that, how could I, when I didn't even know myself??

So I was admitted to hospital for my own safety and I'm glad that I was too.

It sounds to me like you've still got some rational thought, which is good as it's that that is keeping you safe.

You describe your feelings and what happens when you reach this point so much better that I ever could.

There's a few things that I'd like to say to you now.......

Firstly your safety must come first. You are only feeling like this because you are not well, depression does lift, it always does eventually and you're not always going to feel like this, this is only a temporary state that you're in and it will pass. If at any point, you feel that you can no longer resist the urges to harm yourself, please get help immediately and please make sure that you tell everyone around you, from the medical staff to your family and friends how you are feeling as they can make sure to keep you safe, the crisis point will pass, I know because mine did.


Secondly keep talking and talking and talking, it really does help, there are always lovely, kind, understanding and supportive people here, and there are many others out in the community.


But above all keep telling yourself that this will pass and you will come out of the other side and be well and happy again

[sambomonkee]

Hello there,


I had a CPN come to see me at first and she asked me if I could promise her that I would do anything........I said no, I'm sorry but I'm just unable to promise anything like that, how could I, when I didn't even know myself??

How strange the differences between services, I was asked the same question and said the same thing, I just don't know, I had already tried Thursday, so I just don't know anymore, at that point in time (meeting) I was in control, but I could not guarantee anything, something they (two of them) also confirmed. Would I want to be in hospital, well yes and no, yes, as I would feel I had support on tap, no, as the people in their may make me worse, but I could lock myself away.

You say rational mind, well I thought I was being rational on Thursday when I attempted it and then disappeared for 5 hours, seemed completely normal to me. When I wrote the last post I was on the edge again not thinking straight, but I was at home had no way of acting on anything (well apart from finding some screwdrivers and trying to - not very successfully - harm with those, so just took diazpam knowing that in 30 minutes I would be escaping it all and be asleep. The trouble is, I am now having too take more and more diazapam to have any effect, so really need to cut that one back, not because I worried about addiction but more their affect.

So here we are, Monday, my next goal is to get to the end of Wednesday (Gp's appointment - god knows what I think he can do for me).

At present still want out, out of this fear and depression, how that happens not really bothered, one thing I do "think" I know is that I am now sure I am capable of doing it - is that scary not at all, quite opposite and quite a comfort - will I do it, well see above, I just don't know).

You mention Temporary state of mind, well I agree, the problem I have is that Temporary comes around again and again, each time getting worse, so I have nothing to look forward too as the next wave is certain to follow even if I make it through this one.

[sambomonkee]

Even though at work was having a bad day until I thought I would expand on the somatic thing I mentioned earlier (yes I had relapsed as was googling, which we all know where that leads), well it was actually Somatization disorder, and once I read it it, it was like a electric shock, it was describing my life to a tee. Have a read

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somatization_disorder

Its very rare, which I see surprising from scanning the forums here, but my god it explains me to the letter.

So, I have recurring (severe) depression disorder brought on by Somatization disorder, all just names but the point being I'm not making it up, its all real

This has helped in a small way in that at least I have something that's been seen before and dealt with before, so knowing that, I just need to get past this bit, I stand a chance.

I hope this positively stays with me that is for sure, I have managed to raise my mood scale for 3 to a 4 which is good considering the last few weeks.

[AuntieMoosie]

Hi there,

Thank you for the link about Somatization disorder as I'd never heard of it before and it's interesting reading about it.

I do understand what you're saying about a temporary state of mind and how things get stronger each time they come up.

This is what I call "the danger zone" I don't know what the medics call it, but that's my version anyway.

I call it that because when you get sudden urges you literally do enter "the danger zone" as it's at that point that you find out whether you can resist the urge or not.

I can understand what you're saying when you say that you were thinking rationally when you were wanting out, but I too, felt like I was being rational, I was even trying to convince people that this was the right thing for me to do, it sounded very clear and precise to me, but honestly, please trust me when I say that you really are not thinking rationally at that point no matter how much your mind tries to convince you that you are.

Your mind is telling you big fat lies because of your depressed state, it's telling you things would be better if you did that, but it wont!!! and it's not true!!!


Hopefully your doctor will be able to give you something a little more helpful as opposed to the diazepam, which as you've rightly said, you have to keep going up doses in order to get the same effect, which, in turn, leads to addiction which you really don't want or need right now.

When I was in hospital and even now, I take what is called an "anti-psychotic" don't let that label put you off as it does not mean that you're psychotic at all, but these drugs are also very helpful for people having a depressive episode or those that suffer with anxiety. They are only used in the very low doses for this type of treatment and I have always found them helpful.

I have been on Olanzapine and now I'm on slow release Quetiapine, these will work in conjunction with your anti-depressant medication and the big plus is that they are not addictive and you don't need to keep increasing the dosage.
They're not too heavy either, I don't like feeling like I'm walking around like some sort of zombie which tranquilisers often have you feeling.

Have a read online about them and see what you think, but don't let all the so called side effects put you off, I've never had any problems with them at all.

I'm glad that you feel that your mood has gone from 3 to 4, that's really good as the higher it goes the better you will feel.

Just remember what I've said about keeping yourself safe, and shout for help the minute you think that you cant, you don't deserve to die, nobody does, you deserve to have your life and be happy, which you will be

[sambomonkee]

Thanks "Mossie", I relate to that danger zone thing, that's a great way of describing it, whats bad about it though, is your not in control, so you just got to hope someone stops you, or the "real" you can grab a little bit of control back.

I see Pregablin (I think that's it), is meant to be good for somatic disorders, I don't want to push the GP, but should I ask about it, only in the short term until hopefully the CBT kicks in.

One of the issues with SD thing I have is apparently we find it hard to describe emotions or feelings, something I have known for years but did not understand - or care why. I have always described myself has having no emotions, not sad, not happy, just nothing.

An example of many, when I was about 15, our pet dog died, unlike everybody else in the house - crying - I was was more miffed about the fact they where crying and upsetting my routine, I just wanted it all to get back to normal, I felt no other emotion what so ever. This has been the story throughout my life, on many many occasions. I suppose the worst was when my wife's Mother died, quite suddenly, the funeral seemed almost fun to me, felt quite wired up, jittery, never felt sad, even to this day feel nothing about it all, its like it never happened, obviously people really would not get me if I say that out loud.

The funny thing was that the Crisis team asked me to say why I thought it was a 3 not a 2 or 4, the question went over my head, all I could say was it felt like a 3, he said why does it feel better than a 2, "because it does!!". I have no concept of trying to describe emotions or feelings, is all foreign to me, still two days after that question have no idea how to describe a 3, it just is.

Crisis team have closed the case on me!!! Its so strange the differences between counties, I have seen people on here be committed for less, yet 4 days after an attempt on my life I'm discharged back to the GP (which is tomorrow).

I'm not sure if I have had good care or not, do feel a little passed from pillar to post.

[Speranza]

Hi,
it sounds as though you have a GP who will listen and spend time with you; tell them exactly what you've said to us about feeling passed around.

The whole point of this forum is that none of us has to feel alone when we get these days. Because we aren't. Nobody is being punished, or being sinful - it is just a manifestation of something as real as a broken leg. You wouldn't decide suicide was the rational way to deal with a broken leg, and it isn't the rational way to deal with feeling like you have a broken life. Auntie Moosie is so very right, hang in there my love and you will see. Just keep reaching out as you are doing so bravely right now.

[AuntieMoosie]

Beautiful post by Speranza and I fully agree with her


It's strange about how we all feel or don't feel emotions really.

I think I have 2 theories on this

1) Either you found some emotions in your childhood too painful to cope with, so you just learned to "not" feel them......or

2) You could well have been depressed for a long while because the one thing that depression does is to numb your emotions, you really don't feel anything apart from a huge void and emptiness.


Maybe when you're feeling a lot better it could well be beneficial for you to have some psychotherapy, it is really helpful as you can really go back and get to know yourself properly and work out how and why you learned different behaviors and then you can educate yourself on recognising the problem and managing it.

Psychotherapy is hard work and can be very emotionally draining, so you really need to be feeling a lot better before you try it. It worked wonders with me, I had 4 years of it, 3 years being one to one and the 4th year in a group, but it's the best thing I've ever done in my life and it turned my life around completely

With regards to medication, I think it's fine to discuss anything with your GP, it's good that you're researching things for yourself, they may not agree with you, but they certainly wouldn't hold it against you, in fact I think they'd be quite pleased that you're trying to help yourself, it's a very positive thing to do.

It's a bit difficult for me to comment really on your treatment and how your case has been dealt with as I'm not in any way qualified to do so. But I think perhaps you're right in that different areas probably do different things. I really have no idea what criteria they use when assessing patients.

Because you've been discharged from the crisis team back to your GP doesn't mean that your help and support should stop because it shouldn't. I expect what the crisis team think is that you don't need full on crises care now but that's not to say that you don't need further help and support.

So the thing to do is to discuss this all with your GP and if you feel that you do still need further help and support, ask them if they can please refer you on to your local Mental Health Team, you will have to have another assessment with them and then they would be able to tell you whether they can help, and if so, with what

I hope you have a positive appointment with your GP tomorrow, do tell them everything about you and how you're feeling and please do come back and let us know how you got on

[AuntieMoosie]

Just checking in to see how you got on today??

[sambomonkee]

Hi

Went OK, has put my Mirt up to 45mg (no real hope of that working - but worth a try - it did knock me out a bit last night), I have another review next week, he made the point that the medication is just a crutch (Ie like a broken leg, it helps you get about, but your leg is still broken and painful etc) and that in times of crisis it makes no difference whats so ever, something I'm all too aware of.

CBT/mindfulness is too go ahead after my appraisal last week, but they are just waiting for this crisis to be over, as I'll be no good in this state.

He did say, even though the crisis team have closed the case I can still call them (well anybody can if they spot the signs) and also said if it happens again I need to call him as well.

What I find frustrating about these encounters, is

1:- Repeating the story over and over again - at least my GP is aware of the back story
2:- That whilst talking to people (medical professionals) I feel lifted, I believe its because I feel something is being done, for it a few hours later to crash. (He did make the point that even though I'm not seeing people that they are still working on the issue, but with anything mind related its always a waiting game)

So from then to about 1 hour ago I was doing OK, and then out of the blue a slight trigger and it falls back again, not to the desperate state as before but, just back to my 3, annoyingly I left the diazapram at home, so cannot even use that.

So my next aim is to survive until next Thursday, but in between is a weekend which is normally where the trouble comes. Just writing this, I can feel that "danger zone" looming, I just have to stay out of it anyhow.

PS, it did not escape me that this time last week, I had almost killed myself, that is a very strange feeling indeed.

[AuntieMoosie]

Thank you for letting us know how you got on, I have been thinking of you.

Well it sounds pretty good to me so far. Your GP seems to be pretty understanding and willing to help you which is always a lovely thing in this day and age.

So we've got to keep you positive and going strong till next Thursday.

So, with the weekends being your worse, how can you make it so it is easier for you???

Are you with your wife at the weekend?? If so, could you possibly go out and do something together??

Do you have any hobbies at all??

Sorry, I don't mean to keep hitting you with endless questions, but I'm just thinking that if we could get your mind somehow occupied over the weekend, it will make things easier for you and other thoughts wont be able to get through so easily.

It's all about distraction really and keeping your mind busy with positive things.

I really do hope that your Mirt going up to 45mgs will eventually help, as you say it's worth a shot anyway.

I agree that your CBT/Mindfulness needs to be put on hold for now just till you regain a little strength and your thinking and concentration is better

So whenever you feel that you're heading for "the danger zone" the first thing to tell yourself is to "STOP" imagine a red traffic light, I know it may sound silly, but it works, I've done it myself.

Then get yourself completely distracted, your mind wont want too and you may find it hard at first but distraction is the key, it doesn't matter what you do, so long as it's safe of course, just distract yourself immediately.

Try not to let the thought panic you.......remember it's only a thought and it will pass like it has done before.

Now if you find that "the danger zone" thoughts and urges are becoming overwhelming you MUST immediately tell someone, it doesn't matter who but you must tell someone, phone the crisis team if you need too, sometimes just a little chat with someone will bring you out of it and remember to use your diazepam if you need too.

So have a think about what you might do over the weekend, make it positive, the weekends aren't always going to be hard for you cos you have the power to change them and make them different.

Lastly about your last point, god I was so good at doing this myself.......the "this time yesterday, last week, last year, last decade......"!!!! lol

Don't look backwards in time...........always look forwards........the past is what it says it is.......you can't change it.......so just leave it there......but you can plan for the future and you can enjoy the moment that you're in

Keep going, you're doing great, I shall be on here at the weekend so if you hit a dodgy spell just shout okay