"I want to die..."

[Daisy Sue]

I just wanted to say, don't ever think there's no hope, or that you've reached the end of your road. Your opening post reminded me immediately of a very sad, in fact heartbreaking, poem I wrote when I was in my worst phase of anxiety/panic attacks.

Reading it now, it shocks me to remember just how low I felt, and how alone... but here I am years later, I can't tell you how many 100%s better than I was back then - and very glad I didn't do what my sadness was telling me to.

Hang on in there, take one day at a time - you have all the right people in your life now, knowing what you're going through, and they'll get you right. And we're all here too, rooting for you..

[sambomonkee]

Thanks for the reply's.

So, with the weekends being your worse, how can you make it so it is easier for you???

Keep busy, but easier said than done


Are you with your wife at the weekend?? If so, could you possibly go out and do something together??

Yes, but my mind will be elsewhere

Do you have any hobbies at all??

Yes, but I have zero motivation to do them, and either way my mind will soon wonder


Bad, bad day today, I have had another trigger this morning and some bad news last night about my Nan (I feel that has been suppressed again though - my stuff fills my brain so no room for anything else), that has sent me overboard, if I wrote these triggers down, most people would say its nothing, but to me they are fact, real, I hate it, really hate it.

Do I feel I need the Crisis Team or GP (not there anyway today - typical, and we had a rye smile about that on Wednesday), hmm its a close one, do I have the motivation or will power to use them, again, doubt it, I can feel it, the fear the terror, its there again, oh god just to feel slightly normal again, please!

I will let my wife know, but there's nothing anybody can do, its a case of riding the storm, forgot the damn diazapram again, don't want to go home, don't want to be here, how the hell do you solve that one?

I will leave it a few hours and then "try" and make a rational decision.

Don't look backwards in time...........always look forwards........the past is what it says it is.......you can't change it.......so just leave it there......but you can plan for the future and you can enjoy the moment that you're in

Just re-read that again, and that's the problem, the future is one thing that terrifies me, its the what ifs, the past I am (well I think I am) comfortable with. People are aware of my state at the moment, managed that much.

[AuntieMoosie]

Sue thank you for your input hun

It really is amazing isn't it when we look back and remember that awful place, I still do and wonder how on earth I got out of it, but you do and you can, and that's the most important thing to remember. It's a transient state that cannot last and it will pass given time.

I'm not good at all at writing poetry, wish I was, but when I went into hospital, and art therapist asked to see me and we went into the art room and because I was finding it really difficult to talk and make sense of what I was trying to explain, she gave me a piece of plain paper and just told me to paint how I felt using whatever colours I wanted.

I painted a pink "me" in the bottom corner surrounded by huge great rocks and the background I painted a mish mash of all sorts of colours rolled into one, like a weird storm scene or something.

She had a look at she interpratated it really well, I was at the bottom as that is how low I felt, I was really small because I felt swamped by the world, I was trapped behind the huge rocks that I knew I'd have to climb to get out and the rest of the world was just all messed up in my mind, hence all the colours.

I can still vividly remember that picture even now but the really good thing is that if I painted a picture now, it would be very different with all nice things and happiness all around




Sambo yes I understand what you mean when you say that your mind will just wonder, mine did to start with, but you just have to keep doing what you're doing, it doesn't matter if you have to stop for a minute, just so long as you can get back to it. Just give it a little try and see how you go.

The future is only frightening you at the moment because all you can see is the depression that you're currently in, it would frighten anyone if they thought that the future was going to be like that, but it isn't.........I promise you, depression has to pass, even in the olden days many, many years ago, a depressive episode passed, even without medication, because all they could do back then was to heavily sedate you, there were no antidepressants, my psychiatrist told me that they would just wait until the episode came to a natural end and it did

The problem you're having now is that your depression hasn't started lifting just yet and that will effect how and what you think but hopefully your medication will really start doing it's stuff and little by little you will notice your mood changing and all of that blackness and nothingness that you're feeling now, will start to go and your world and life will look different.

May I just ask you why it is that you don't want to be at home?? Is there something that's making you unhappy or anxious there?? That does sound like that needs to be tackled, because we should all feel safe, secure and happy in our own homes, indeed, normally if we're not well, home is where we'd prefer to be. I guess you can tackle that when you start having your therapy.

As I've said, I will be around at the weekend as will many others here so if you need to talk, rant, rave, whatever, there is always someone here to listen, you've no need to feel on your own, there are many on here that have been where you are.

Just remember your safety rules please, you do not really want to die, none of us do really, what you're looking for is relief from the suffering and unfortunately with depression and the low mood, we very wrongly think that death is the way to go but IT IS NOT and it never will be. We can get better, we do get better and YOU WILL GET BETTER.

[sambomonkee]

A bit of an update, this week has been a struggle, many occasions felt suicidal, but not actively , my triggers for the anxiety seemed to get worse so I spiralled a little bit, plenty of Dr Google, even wasted money on a Coeliac testing kit.

Anyway, had another medication review (Mirtazipine 45mg), which is doing absolutely nothing for me in fact I think it makes the anxiety worse!

Anyway, there was talk of referring me back to the Crisis team, but I was against that, as all they do is go through the story - yet again - and then say phone this number if you need us, not sure what they really offer to be honest, crisis teams are only good if you on the bridge or in the act, I'm in that space between services.

GP, said that he would get in touch with the Doctor (its a different team to the crisis team - yes I am currently being passed between 4 departments) that saw me the first time to review me yet again.

He said he has seen people worse than me (good god, poor poor people), get better.

He also was going to push the CBT seasons on abit as that has gone quiet, so other than him trying to reassure me with my health anxiety triggers which helps, its as case of lets see what that try next.

One thing that stuck in my mind is he asked, when you first wake up for a few seconds do you feel normal, and yes is the answer to that, for about 5 seconds it all feels OK, then the brain goes into mad mode, body goes in panic mode for the rest of the day, I wonder why he was asking, I'm intrigued.

I could tell he was getting a bit nervous of my Diazpram usage as 4mg in one go is not touching me, he said it was OK at the moment, but less is always better, he didn't want me getting near the 10mg though.

[Pipkin]

One thing that stuck in my mind is he asked, when you first wake up for a few seconds do you feel normal, and yes is the answer to that, for about 5 seconds it all feels OK, then the brain goes into mad mode, body goes in panic mode for the rest of the day, I wonder why he was asking, I'm intrigued.

It's a way of gauging if it is indeed anxiety causing your symptoms and not, for example, coeliac disease (as I'm sure Dr. Google has been telling you). You don't feel anxious first thing until your brain remembers to make you feel anxious because that's what you're expecting.

Pip

[Eyji1]

You are free. You really are.

[sambomonkee]

So, just got back from the Mental health team at the hospital. They think I'm not well, which really is a surprise to me, yes I know I have done silly things, but really don't feel like there's that much wrong. (That said, the people in the waiting room all looked normal as well too me aswell)

Anyway, I am now under their wing long term, I will have my own care coordinator, and have now got a cocktail of drugs to take

45mg Mirtazipine
2mg Diazapam (Not when I need it, but more constant usage)
2mg Risperidone - only 7 days worth, due to overdose risk (I owned up to planning that one)

I have also been admitted to the day hospital, and will have to (well its up to me), spend a day there a week doing various therapies.

I also have another meeting Friday, they did mention that they wanted to do a blood test, which sent me over the edge there in front of them, so they got to see me breakdown there and then. They tried to put me at ease about it, but my mind was already off on one, arghhh, must resist the urge to google the reasons behind that, but I know it means they want look at physical causes as well, really wasn't what my mind needed.

They said they would put that on hold, but I guess they are not going to give up.

They did asked the classic "what do you expect from us", I said I didn't care, or have any feelings about it anyway, they said why did you come, what was you reasoning to come here? I said because I had the appointment simple as that - that doesn't come across well in words but it makes perfect sense in my head.

[sambomonkee]

Well short note as im now the hosptial, a little unnerving but I seem to be the weirdest one here, you would never guess the people here are ill, just goes to show anybody can be inflicted it doesnt matter your background.

Also been banned from driving due to the medication so now having to be picked up by ambulance, which seems mad to me. Im allowed home evenings and weekends.

Its all abit much at the moment, but its nice not having too act normal anymore.

[ElizabethJane]

I'm glad that you are getting help in hospital. Are you a day patient if you can come home at night? If there is a bed for you it is the best place if you are suicidal. I hope things work out for you and I hope you feel better soon.EJ

[AuntieMoosie]

Hi there,

Well I have to agree with what you've been told, you certainly are not well, that's meant in the nicest possible way

As I said before, if you've reached the stage that you're having suicidal thoughts that's a sure indication that you are having a depressive episode.

Like EJ has said, I think you're in the best possible care now, they will be able to keep you safe and get you well again

Please keep us updated and I wish you a speedy recovery