"I want to die..."

[sambomonkee]

Yes I'm a day patient, this is what I was asked !! "your ARE staying today aren't you, and for the next week, we will review you later next week to see if a discharge is allowed". I have the feeling Im in for the long haul from the way they were speaking. Basically I'm here so that can keep an eye on me and do therapies, though it does really feel like I have gone back to school, the door is not locked, but they check on you every hour to make sure you still there.

The good thing about a day patient is that I get to sleep in my own bed which takes alot of the stress off. I'm not happy about being told a can no longer drive and really not pleased about being picked up in an ambulance to be taken to the hospital, but again I had no choice in that matter.

All the staff seem nice, you do feel like you are being "nannied" abit though, the other patients all seem nice, most seem to have OCD, anxiety such issues, there appears to be just me and a young girl from my town (awkward), that are suffering depression based issues, so me and her a bundle of fun of the group (about 10 patients - I thought there would be alot more than this)

It is all abit surreal at the moment, its hard to get my head around that I have to be in this place, but then I also thought that I do not have to pretend to be normal whilst im in there which is abit of a relief.

The Risperidon, appears to be taking the edge off the anxieties and I seem to be able to control my thoughts a little easier, which is a weird feeling as I have had no control over them for so long, but still completely emotionless and still want to self harm and have diminished suicidal thoughts, but not in the same place I was when I started this thread, I would guess saying that is good, but I have since I have no feelings, its more meh.

[sambomonkee]

...so, yesterday, I was discharged from hospital, and after reading back the first post I cannot believe I am the same person!!

I didn't believe anybody when they said it will or can get better, not one jot, but four weeks on, with the help of the drug cocktail and the intensive therapy in hospital, I feel I have turned the corner

These still a way to go, but I am currently no longer a danger to myself , and now find those actions and thoughts very surreal and more like a very very bad nightmare.

Lesson to anybody who is feeling suicidal or attempted it, trust me, I'm living proof that seeking help can save your life, if I had not gone to that first appointment with the Docs, like I thought was not needed (Ie I thought attempting suicide was normal ), I doubt I would have finished this thread.

Don't be scared to shout for help there are people in the NHS that really do care, and really want to help you, what ever your mind is telling you its just not true, things can be better.

So, I'm still aware that things could turn on me, but I have this little post to show myself, hey look it worked before it will work again, but in the mean time 2013 starts here for me, yeah.

[AuntieMoosie]

Oh this is fantastic news

I understand exactly what you're saying. When I recovered, I was so shocked to realize how close I'd been to loosing my life, and even more shocked that I'd ever thought such things, but this is the power of depression, you start believing those thoughts and not believing what others are telling you.

That is why I always tell people that they don't really want to die, it's the depression doing all of that, it's not really them.

I'm so glad that you are much better now, take recovery slowly, have plenty of rest and sleep and eat healthy as these things will also aid your recovery.

Thank you so much for coming back in to let us know that you're now doing fine

[sambomonkee]

I thought I would revisit this and do an update on whats happened since leaving the hospital.

The reason for being a little quiet on here was that things turned for the worse again and I did not want to face it, or have to retrack on here.

Basically I took an overdose about 3 weeks ago, and then when that didn't work, I found a drug dealer and bought enough of the drug to make sure it worked this time, seem sensible thing to do at the time, but I can see now it was a little extreme (although still have not ruled out the chances of buying more in the future)

Anyway, I owned up to the CPN and doctor and they made me give them up, which at the time was a hard thing for me to do, but probably the right one in the long run. I still suffer from impulsive suicide attempts, again not last Thursday when after a very down meeting with my GP, I decided to cut my wrists , I was dragged in front of my CPN who rambled on about stuff and then sent me on my way, was very disillusioned and frustrated with the whole system..but I suspose they can't click a their fingers and all is well again. Whilst all this has been going on I have also been self harming regularly, something the CPN doesn't seem to care about even though some I have done should of have stitches (I don't want to waste A&E's time)

In the mean time I got accepted on a super rare Art Therapy course, and I mean rare, you have to have the right entry requirements and be around at the right time, only 4 people are allowed on it at a time and it runs for 12 weeks (3 months), so you can see how rare it is to get accepted. I have found it super uncomfortable doing it, what you have to realise is that the art is almost a by product the bulk of it it is group therapy in a group of around 4 people with the art being the catalyst to talk about some tricky things, this as you can see is very hard opening up in front of complete strangers. So far I have not opened up too much and am very guarded in what I say, I'm not sure I want to go through some of my demons with these people, time will tell.