Your children living with a anxious parent...

[Meewah]

Ok the million dollar question.

I have children and I am very consious that I act like someone who is anxious and worried. This comes in many disguises.

1. Telling them how to live
2. Taking them to the doctor a lot
3. explaining the downfalls of their diet
4. complaing when they dony exercise
5. continually asking if they are ok

Ok all normal parental concerns you may think.

Well I was told that the worse thing I could do is pass my anxiety on to my children. The problem is my kids are all boys and I am a dad. So I am their role model and a fearful one. Do I try to hide my anxieties? Do I try to act normal all the time and I have forgot what normal or balanced is now? Or do I just explain to them that I suffer from anxiety that way they know that my actions are not normal and risk them becoming more anxious thinking their father is ill.

There lays my dilemma and even though I want my children to enjoy a exciting and fulfilling life that is not restricted by too much anxiety I am very aware they have a role model who to them is the only version of normal and the way they should act and it scares the S**t out of me. What would you do?

Helppppp!!


Mee

[Speranza]

Ooh tough one, just replying to boost it up the page. Will ask my daughter! (Now a Psychologist - I wonder why??)

---------- Post added at 07:46 ---------- Previous post was at 07:41 ----------

She says, "How old are they?" She says she would be open and explain that how you are isn't optimal but that not everybody has to act this way.

For me I decided when I gave birth to a tomboy that I had to fake it til I made it. I used to watch her climbing with my heart in my mouth but all I ever said was, "Be careful with that bit Sweetheart!" And I made sure I kept my tone of voice as light as I could. I worried loads but I had an inner dialogue going all the time about how I mustn't be OTT. I used to hold my tongue a LOT (as Holly says, "You never said, 'Oh don't go to Italy it's dangerous!' etc.")

It's great you are so aware. I was too and my kids have grown up fine. I was open with them about being anxious and they used to help me not to be. I think in terms of them 'worrying you are ill' - remember, they aren't anxious like you are. You ARE their norm. But you have a great opportunity to bring them up aware of, and accepting of, mental health issues.

[Annie0904]

Like Speranza said, a lot depends on the age of your children. My youngest was 10 when my anxiety started and it was so intense that it couldn't be hidden. He knew his Mum was ill and yes he did worry about me and tried to 'mother' me. Constantly checking on how I was feeling. He is 23 now and I don't think it has affected him in a bad way. I think it has made him a more understanding and caring person. It didn't affect his schooling as he now has a first class honours degree. He is now very much in tune with how I am feeling and can detect when I am getting more anxious. He is also very good at helping to 'pick me up' again. My older 2 were not affected by it all but do avoid telling me things they are doing in case it makes me more anxious

[Speranza]

Yes that sounds about right Annie! Mine got a First Class degree too. Maybe we ought to congratulate ourselves!

[Meewah]

Hi

Thanks for the replies. It just feels so wrong telling them that Dad suffers from anxiety. I sometimes see my eldest who is 15 getting stressed with the noise the younger too make. 12,6 yrs. I don't want them to think that dad cannot cope, can't help, not to bother him as he is suffering from anxiety. I feel he has learnt that response from my example?

May be I a am viewing this from a anxious mind??

I just don't want them to grow up thinking their dad was miserable and got cross a lot. I love my kids with all my heart, they create me the most stress worrying about their health and happiness. If they just knew how much I cared and that when I get cross it is usually because I am feeling exceptionally anxious.


Mee

[Speranza]

I was - am - the kind of parent who believes it is good to be honest with your kids. I suggest you have a think about why you don't want to tell them. If it is about appearing 'weak' then you might be unconsciously buying into the Daily Mail view of mental health issues. I reckon the elder two are certainly old enough to understand. Perhaps you could start with the eldest and just explain that you've been thinking a lot lately about how you must appear to him and take it from there, maybe show him this site.

Of course you may get the reaction I did when I spoke about my MH issues to my daughters - something along the lines of, "I think I am very anxious...." and was met with silence, loving faces trying not to laugh, and a slow handclap...

[Annie0904]

I agree with Speranza, they have probably already noticed your anxiety any way so sharing it with them will just give them a better understanding.

[NR]

This is also my worst nightmare- living with anxiety is rubbish and no life, to pass it on to the people you love and look up to you is a real killer. I know how you feel mate, this is something I have thought about no end for the last 6 months.

[Daisy Sue]

I've told my kids bit & pieces about my health issues along the years, appropriate to their age & understanding. Now they're grown up, (well youngest is in teens), they know pretty much everything.. they hear me talking on the phone about my symptoms, they've seen me in tears when things are bad, and they don't seem to think twice when I insist on aisle seats in the cinema (so I can get out) or stand at the back of a full room near the door.. they get it, but they haven't 'inherited' it, if that makes sense.

I do think that kids who have a poorly parent turn out to be more considerate, caring, and understanding of others who have any kind of issues. I guess it's bit of a learning curve for everyone involved as to how much to tell, and when.

[dally]

Hi,
I fought for years, trying to be 'normal' in front of my kids.
When I was VERY anxious, I think I came across to them as grumpy and unapproachable .
I used to shut myself in my bedroom if I was having a major p a, and shout if they tried to open the bedroom door. I was just trying to protect them from being upset at seeing their mum, crying, vomiting and shaking. I thought it would frighten them.

Mabey, with hindsight, what I did was more frightening for them.

My husband forced/encouraged me to tell them last year. They are now in their twenties
My daughter does not understand panic. She cannot rationalise how nothing in my life or home can put me in such a state of physical TERROR!!
My son doesn't understand either, but understands the adrenaline/fear cycle and helps me by talking to me and doing breathing excercise etc.

I still hate them seeing me distressed, and STILL paint on the happy face, until I can't .

I don't think I have affected their life too badly, but I certainly haven't enriched it.