Tufty's diary

[clio51]

Or Sam can't understand it you were doing ok ish at the start!

I've just been looking back when I was really bad in my diary,not eating,dry heaving,not sleeping,anxious as hell,very snappy(you couldn't speak to me)depressed and just not interested in anyone or anything,I was that anxious I'd just sit on the couch even to scared to have a shower sometimes!

It took me on venlafaxine 3 mths to see a little improvement! That was eating meals again,no more heaving,going to do shop(not anxiety free)
I still had really bad days,but I'd have a better(which I never had before)in between. If say it took a good 6 mths for the depression to lift, the anxiety slightly improved but as never gone. In fact I am know on proprananol x 3 daily, and still anxiety! And not to mention bms, thats so very unpleasant it adds to my anxiety state.

I suppose what I'm saying is, it might take you a good few weeks like me to adjust on it to get yourself passed the highly anxious state. Some people see improvement in a couple of weeks other a good few weeks.

I know it very very hard but try a give it a bit longer,and use your diazepam and zopiclone to help you through. This is how I got through the beginning,otherwise I couldn't of done it without them no way!

Wishing you the best of luck Sam. Take care xxxx

[nicola1980]

Oh hun Im so sorry your feeling so bad i agree with clio it took me a good 3 months to settle on venlafaxine and believe me i felt like giving up on numerous occasions i felt so bad, the anxiety and panic was constant it truly was horrendous, try and stick it out for a bit longer, use your diazepam to help you through, thinking of you and sending love and hugs x x

[Tufty]

Thank you all for your kind comments

I'm at a loss to know what to do. Yesterday was horrendous, I scraped through the day and tried to act as normal as possible, apart from walking the dog I did little, but it was tough. By 8pm I didn't know what to do with myself, I used the forum lots, read a little, tried to watch TV, did some meditation but the physical feeling of electricity running through my body was unbearable. I took 7.5 Zopiclone and tried to sleep but it was like having a constant panic attack - indescribable fear. I laid here, didn't wake my husband and waited for it to subside which is did after about an hour. I feel desperate and have lost hope in getting better.

I even considered taking another 7.5 Zopiclone to try to escape the feeling but I knew that wasn't sensible. I woke after about 5 hours sleep, feeling highly anxious and crawling out of my own skin. The physical sensations are unpleasant to say the least, but I won't dwell on them, its my psychological reactions that are distressing me. I don't know how much longer I can hang on, I am crying as I write this as I feel there is no hope.

It has been pointed out to me that I 'react' to every new medication and I know it's true, whether its a physical or mental reaction I don't know, but it's real to me. I'm never happy with any medication, I'd like to take a pill to take the edge off the anxiety but nothing fits the bill, they either make me a suicidal mess or at the best, depressed. Last night if someone had an injection of Lorazepam I would of gratefully received it, I thought about getting drunk or taking more sedation just to escape the torture - that's desperate. I am untreatable. 9 Meds in 12 months - that's crap, it frightens me to think that I am not going to survive this and there is nothing anyone can do to help.

I feel exhausted, I haven't slept well in weeks. I'm loosing the will and strength to keep going. I've even looked into private psychiatric inpatient services this morning, there's nothing local and we cannot afford it, we'd have to try to borrow the money which is unlikely given I've been off sick for 8 months, and my family would find it very traumatic. I know I've recovered from this before but this time it's been worse, last time I was admitted for a month to a psych unit but I'm worse now than I was then. I'm too scared to take any more antidepressants now. I refuse to take anything that turns me into this hysterical monster, it doesn't bother me if antidepressants have little positive effects, it's the negative effects that are intolerable. I know it's impossible to know what is me and what is the effect from the meds but from my 17 year history with antidepressants only 1 out of 15 has helped. If I was just starting out on the anxiety/depression medication route I would probably be stronger and be able to tolerate the side effects better, but after being on the roulette wheel for sometime I feel beaten and too weak to keep trying. I've tried my hardest and really don't know what else to do.

Todays going to be a tricky one, I aim to walk the dog, even if its just round the block. I will do my meditation and somehow survive each minute.

Sorry for the despairing post, but I need to get it off my chest as I don't have anyone to talk to here.
Sam

[Her Indoors]

Hello there Sam,

We're here to talk to, please don't despair. Could you get in touch with your Consultant or the mental health people and tell them how you are feeling? Sorry if this is stating the bleeping obvious, but you sound like you need some more help.

Try and get out and walk the dog if you can, it will help, (rich coming from someone who sat in their pyjamas all day yesterday!) even if it is only round the block, it is an achievement.

Can you get a trusted friend or relative to come and sit with you for a bit?

Please don't give up Sam, there will be a way out of this, and there are loads of medications out there, something WILL work for you, you just haven't found it yet. Could you get some kind of therapy from the NHS, probably a waiting list, but maybe a talking therapy would help you. Sorry if this all sounds obvious, just trying to think of something. I mean well, and I completely understand all you have said.

Sending you loads of

Message me if you want to Sam, I do understand.

Love J xxx

[Tufty]

Thanks J

I don't have a consultant or MHT, I've been under the crisis team twice this year and seen 2 psychiatrists as an outpatient, but the policy here is to discharge you back to your GP with guidance on medication. There is no community support for people like me. I am waiting for psychotherapy, I tried CBT but it wasn't helpful as I was too ill to participate fully. The last psych did think that talking therapy would be the most helpful for me as I am so 'reactive' to medication but he couldn't give me a time scale of when that would start. He did write to my GP with a list of medication to try, I know there are others but I've become drug phobic, I've lost faith in them.

My mums just phoned and offered to come round but somedays I'm better by myself and I think today is one of them. The kids will be home at 3.30 and I will try to get up in a bit and walk the dog - she's pulled all the stuffing out of one of her toys so the hoover may need to come out too

I know you've been poorly for sometime too J and have tried different meds, it's not easy is it? Do you mind me asking what drugs are you taking now?

I have emailed my GP to ask for his advice, poor bloke doesn't quite know what to do with me, but for now I'll take a little Diazepam to help me through the day.

Thank you for your kind advice, I'm good at giving advise but never listen to my own

Sam

[bernie1977]

Oh Sam I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so bad, my heart goes out to you. When we're on the merry go round of trying all these different drugs and none help, infact they make us worse, it can be soul destroying. I really think you should rely on the diazepam on a short term basis to see if they can get you through this rocky period. Obviously I'm no medical expert but it's what I would do.

I'm glad to hear you've contacted your GP as he needs to know how bad you're feeling and he may be able to offer some advice.

You keep fighting through this girl. Sending you best wishes and lots of

[Her Indoors]

Thanks J

I don't have a consultant or MHT, I've been under the crisis team twice this year and seen 2 psychiatrists as an outpatient, but the policy here is to discharge you back to your GP with guidance on medication. There is no community support for people like me. I am waiting for psychotherapy, I tried CBT but it wasn't helpful as I was too ill to participate fully. The last psych did think that talking therapy would be the most helpful for me as I am so 'reactive' to medication but he couldn't give me a time scale of when that would start. He did write to my GP with a list of medication to try, I know there are others but I've become drug phobic, I've lost faith in them.

My mums just phoned and offered to come round but somedays I'm better by myself and I think today is one of them. The kids will be home at 3.30 and I will try to get up in a bit and walk the dog - she's pulled all the stuffing out of one of her toys so the hoover may need to come out too

I know you've been poorly for sometime too J and have tried different meds, it's not easy is it? Do you mind me asking what drugs are you taking now?

I have emailed my GP to ask for his advice, poor bloke doesn't quite know what to do with me, but for now I'll take a little Diazepam to help me through the day.

Thank you for your kind advice, I'm good at giving advise but never listen to my own

Sam

Hi Sam,

That's good you have got in touch with your GP, he should know what's going on. Could you ask to be referred back to the Crisis Team? I know they only help in the short term, but think someone needs to help you now. I was under the Crisis people but was referred to what they call the Recovery Team here and have been having weekly or every other week visits. My husband had to ring around quite a bit to get me referred to them, but they seem to be very good and my Consultant is excellent and gives me hope when I see her. It seems a bit of a lottery when it comes to healthcare in this country, unfortunately.

Of course I don't mind you asking about me. I am now taking Pregabalin which has recently been increased to 300 mg daily, had a major blip last few days, not helped by the fact that what I thought were 50 mg tablets, were in fact, 25 mg, so I had been only taking half the dose I was supposed to . This morning I have taken the full dose and do feel a little better (tentatively). I was previously taking Sertraline, which unfortunately didn't help with the anxiety at all and Mirtazapine. I have come off these two medications and now am taking Trimipramine for depression and the Pregabalin for anxiety. Fingers very much crossed and jury out on that.

Take some of your diazapam and hopefully you will begin to feel a little better by the time your family come home. Really feel for you, so much of what you say, is so familiar to me unfortunately, but you WILL get better and there are medications that can help.

Wishing you all the best and loads of

Love J xxxx

ps Showered and dressed and not sat in my jammies! No make-up but not going out, so can't frighten anyone!

[Tufty]

Thank you both, today is one that won't go down in my memory bank as one to be remembered.

My GP emailed me back - continue with the meds for 2 more weeks.

I've emailed the Samaritans and phoned NHS Direct, I was that desperate. The NHS direct chap was helpful and phoned my local hospital and found out that my GP would have to assess me and refer me to the crisis team. Even though it's a big hospital with a psych unit they don't like assessing people there, they prefer everyone to see the crisis team first. So he's phoned my doctors surgery and a doctor will phone me back.

I don't want to be admitted and know that is unlikely but I need some support. Actually I wouldn't mind being admitted now, I would like to be somewhere secure where they can review my meds and give me the support I need if they feel I need to change meds. There is a recovery home team here too but I've never been offered their services, this time I will push for it. I don't want someone coming round everyday, I just need some support in times of crisis like this and each time it takes days, I have to go round the houses, through GP's or phone lines just to talk to someone.

Pregabalin is good for anxiety J, I took it for 8 months and it worked brilliantly to start with. I always felt the effects pretty quickly too so hopefully you won't have to wait to long to notice the improvement of that correct dosage. I don't know where I'm going to go with meds next, each time I plummet into crisis it seems to be when I start meds but maybe that's all my head

Diazepam it is for now then, it's strange I feel anxious but dopey at the same time, not a nice feeling.

Sam x

I'm dressed (just), no make up and think the dog will have to suffice with the back garden today

[Her Indoors]

Hi Sam,

That's good something is being done to help you. Let us know what happens. Pester your GP and he will have to refer you on to get the help you need. The Recovery Team are brilliant and refer back messages, etc. to the Consultant.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Thinking of you and sending you best wishes.

J xxxx

Well done on getting dressed, the dog will forgive you, give him/her a big hug x

[nicola1980]

Hi Sam, just wanted to send you a and let you know Im thinking of you, when i was at my worst i also considered being admitted but with the help of the crisis team i fortunately managed to stay at home, push for extra support you need it at times like this, we're all here for you too x x