Tufty's diary

[AnxiousBaker]

I hope you get everything sorted soon Sam, i am sure you will!

[clio51]

Sam

I've been where you are hun, I too wanted to be admitted just so I was in the right place and with the right people to sort me out!. I used to ask my mht worker what it was like, I couldn't get it out of my head I needed help!

I too was going to go down the private route and even rang the priory, which was way way out of my league(we have private insurance but only covers £1000 on psych things!) So it's cost £4800 a week aghhhh, my sister was going to pay but I couldn't let her do that. But God was I desperate. My gp asked me did I want to go in for a rest at the very beginning.

Don't take no Sam (I'm sure you won't) if you want to go in to be looked after and for reassurance do it! Thoughts just go round your head constantly,reading things,contacting drs,mht team etc because we are so desperate and out of our minds with worry because we WANT to be well. That's not a lot to asks.

Please use your diazepam this will help and not just 2mg that won't touch you hun,defo take some before bed if no zopiclone used don't know if you can use both! Deal with coming off when your a lot more stable.

I don't think I could off coped without diazepam and zopiclone they were a life saver for me.

Rest as much as you can at the moment,and don't focus on getting out there doing things! It's not the right time that will come later when your more stable.

I really do know what your going through, and reading your blog brought it all back to me and what desperation I was in! I couldn't move sometimes because I was filled with fear and sensations.

I'm not good by any means but can cope better know, anxiety is still high.

Peed off this afternoon, phone call from psych Secretary to say
My appointment today(er what!) No it's the 19th I go, story short they changed it for today but I got no letter!! And they rang to say don't come as she was behind and 3 patients waiting!
So I've NO appointment now and it will prob be after Xmas now as there like gold dust bloody NHS.

Don't bottle it up Sam come on here there's always someone one you will know.

Take care hun, thinking off you xxxx

[Tufty]

Thank you all, it really does help to know people have been through this and come out the other side. I've been in this situation 5 times this year, too scared to live and I've come out the other side each time but it's worn me down and this is the first time I've seriously considered a stay as an inpatient.

My experience in 2003 as an inpatient was awful and I always said never again, I could recover at home no matter what with the aid of Diazepam to get me through the tough times but it's just not cutting it anymore.

A GP called me back, he was helpful and was sending an urgent fax to the MHT to ask for some support and advice re meds. He was shocked that I didn't have a CPN or any support after all I've been through this year, he kept asking what happened when they discharged you, why didn't they give you a support worker, when are they going to see you again? I cried throughout our convo and he said he would ring back but hasn't yet. I still feel wired, but a little easier as the children are home. My son is off tomorrow and it does help having them around, the distraction and having to pull it together a bit for them is good for me.

I've still got the inner agitation and feel like electric current is running through my body. I wish I could switch off the electric for an hour, to relax and not feel so tense. I'm saying calming mantras to myself, concentrating on my breathing and surviving a day in hell by the skin of my teeth. Right I'm going to cook tea, empty the dishwasher and try to act normal for 20 minutes
Sam x

[SarahH]

Flippin 'eck Sam I just replied to your PM then saw this on your thread!!!!!

I have only just got in from a long day and did not realise you were having such a terrible day.....so sorry.

Sending you. I think you should have been having lots more support in the last year, the minimum a CPN!!

You know that I was in a psych unit in April and had a very positive experience....but it may be different in your area.

Samaritans I am told are brilliant if you need to talk to someone urgently.. and there is always someone on NMP

Hang in there Sam xxxx

[Tufty]

Guess what? No contact from the GP or MHT After phoning NHS Direct and them saying I needed a crisis referral yesterday, I'm still sailing this boat alone - well with you guys too.

Today has been very slightly better than yesterday, but only minimally. I have had a shower, walked the dog round the block and made a lasagne - ta dah. I feel like shit though, I'm back to puffing, got chest pain, electric shocks, numbness, palpitations blah blah blah. I am drinking herbal teas and forcing food down. I've spent most of the day lying in bed, I really believed I would be feeling a bit better than this by now. I did four weeks like this on Dosulepin and am devastated to be back down to rock bottom again.

Not so many suicidal thoughts today, I feel unwell but I know that these thoughts are the desire to escape feeling so bad. I feel less hysterical today and haven't cried so that's a positive too. Physically feeling so unwell is distracting me from the mental torture a little too, it adds to it in one way but it makes the suffering more real and understandable.

I'm going to do some mindfulness and try to accept the physical sensations and float with them

Sam x

[clio51]

hiya

Bloodly typical sam, when were desperate we pin all our hopes on the people who we think will help us! And we hang on thinking they are sorting something out that day when they have forgotten or one of them passes the message on but the other person is too busy! WE NEED HELP NOW

Really glad you felt able to get out of bed today, although this must of been really hard for you.

It will get better it's just perseverance! Mine took 3 months just for me to stop heaving,eating again! You really need to give it weeks more than days I know it's hard Sam but it should pay off.

Well see what tomorrow brings! I'd only give it till lunch though then I'd contact the same gp or if you know the office of the mht ring them.
Your intelligent Sam and know how to speak correctly so tell them that action speaks louder than words and you want some help through this and not just a crisis help for 2 weeks then passed onto a gp. That isn't acceptable! You want to be monitored to see you through the unstable stage.

Well done for getting out,I never went out for about as month I was petrified of the symptoms and the depressed state I was in.
As for cooking, I couldn't for weeks until I stopped heaving with the smell of the food I used to have to go upstairs in the bedroom till they ate there tea.

Well done hun, keep going. Xxx

[karenp]

Sam you poor luv....I felt weirdy on Traz, I must admit, it's hard to explain now but I remember having palpitations bad too but they did go away. Then I got moved onto the Escitalopram when I moved gp's.
I do feel for you, I remember those desperate calls to NHS direct and often used to just take myself off to the crisis team and refer myself.
Hi Clio, how are you huns? Oh I know, I can never eat either when I am suffering with anxiety really bad....it's terrible though I have ended up the thinnest I have been for years so that is the only plus side of being an anxiety sufferer, I have a nice figure at last again.
Sam, it's a year ago since I took Traz now but at first it was a really odd drug side effect wise and I was only on 50mg's but the side effects did die down, I just never got on an higher dose to know how well it acts as an ad/anti anxiety meds so have my fingers crossed this is the one that can get you finally right again, you do so well considering though, you really do xxxx

[Col]

Tufty, really glad you've told your story. Bless you you've had a very very hard time.

Well what can I say about the nhs/ gps etc.

I've recently had an incident which is outrageous. I'm going to call them and formally complain. It's shocking. Even gps seem now to let patients slip under the radar????

You defo need to chase their tails xxxxx

Times like this & reading your last post thank God for Nicola & NMP !!!

[daisydaisy]

Hi Sam,

Just wanted to send you hugs and say I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. You're so strong Sam and you will get through this. I know MHT and Doctors can be rubbish but hang in there and also as others have suggested call them back and don't stop until you get an answer. You need an urgent referral to give you a break from the daily stresses and strains of life.

I was treated from May this year for depression. I was put on Prozac then Mirtazapine- I am not trying to scare you in any way but I knew something was wrong so I took myself off the meds and tried to go cold turkey. In August I had seizures and I think you know the rest of my story but I wondered whether a head MRI or something like that would be useful for you. I really hope I don't sound condescending but I'm wondering whether that would give you some clarity over what you are going through right now. It may be nothing serious but it sounds like you have suffered for a long time with not much relief and I wonder whether that could be of use to you perhaps? I'm really sorry if you've already had one of these.

I am praying for you and I hope that you get a resolution soon. As I said you are one of the strongest ladies I know and I'm really wishing you well. Take it one day at a time. Feel free to PM me if I can help with anything.

Lots of love xx

[Tufty]

Thank you all.

No change. I've lost faith in the medical profession, apart from the lack of empathy and care, I do question their knowledge of MH problems too. I can't refer myself back to the crisis team apparently it's got to be done by a GP.

I think my problem is just anxiety and depression Daisy, about 13 years ago I did have a MRI of my head after getting numbness and dizziness after a long period of stress. I learnt that it was just anxiety and have accepted it as that. The Trazodone has caused me to have migraines, a tingly, numb face and a some strange vision but the same thing happened with Dosulepin and the headaches and vision problems stopped when I stopped the drug.

Interestingly a friend of mine started experiencing panic attacks about 8 years ago and was put on Mirtazapine which helped. Over the next few years she went through periods of wellness but increasing episodes of panic, nausea, headaches and felt unwell and had to resign from her job. 4 years ago she went for a eye test and was found to have a brain tumour. She says as soon as she woke up from the surgery she felt different and better and although anxious at times she has never had a panic attack since. She's had radiotherapy and chemo and is OK. I'm not saying that everyone with panic symptoms has a medical reason but that sometimes Dr's are so quick to put everything down to anxiety that they fail to do the basic medical checks.

I've struggled on and off with anxiety and depression for 17 years and have had more problems with medication than success. If it was anxiety alone I think I could manage it medication free - maybe with the odd Diazepam, if it was depression alone I could work with it and get out there and do things to help lift it. It's the combination of both that is debilitating and I find so hard to live with. My life is good, I have a great family and friends, we laugh lots and have lots in life to enjoy but I feel unwell.

I'll survive the day, I have no other option.
Sam