So frustrated with myself :(

[debs71]

Hi All,

I was supposed to go abroad today. My anxiety has put paid to that.

For the past 3 weeks or so, after 2 years off meds and pretty well controlled anxiety/panic, it has come again back badly. It started with general worry about stuff, working myself into a panic about some health problems (or what I think are health problems, but is probably anxiety driven - back and arm pain), then I began feeling edgy, and then the full blown anxiety again - sweating, depersonalisation, absolutely terrified for no reason, and crying constantly.

I restarted Escitalopram as I just couldn't work through it though I really tried. So far my anxiety has calmed slightly, but I am feeling really, really nauseous and what has stopped me going away is I now have awful back upper/mid back pain as well as this continued nausea.

I suffer from acid reflux on and off and I had gastritis/possible ulcer a few months ago. Due to this bout of anxiety I am experiencing reflux again and I also had the same back pain with that.

My mind is in a total stew. I don't know whether the back pain is pure anxiety from muscle tension or the acid reflux or something else. I am working myself into a panic about cardiac stuff, but my sensible brain tells me 'don't be stupid, this is all anxiety'. I have had a real problem recently when I walk out anywhere in public with heavy sweating, so I have put two and two together and come up with 'heart problem', but I know that heavy sweating can be anxiety too.

I feel such a failure that I didn't go away, but I travel alone and just couldn't face travelling while feeling so crappy and with this back pain and nausea.

Any thoughts/advice appreciated.

[theharvestmouse]

You have done the right thing, going away if you are not in the right state would not be wise. Just focus on trying to get yourself feeling better and don't put pressure on yourself. You can always go away when you are feeling more able to do so.

[debs71]

Thanks for your reply, theharvestmouse.

I feel in two minds about it. One part of me says no way I should go as it is better to go when I feel better in myself. The only part of me says I have let the anxiety win.

I just couldn't see a way to go with this back pain - sitting on the plane for 4 hours, lifting the case, etc.

[jackie13]

Hi Hun

Sorry to hear you are not feeling well:(

You have done the right thing not going away as you might not have enjoyed yourself. Also, with you suffering from Reflux, you may not have enjoyed the food or been able to eat it.

My husband suffers from Reflux and it causes him terrible back and chest pains.

Hope you feel better soon.

Luv & hugs to you.
Jackie xx

[debs71]

Thanks so much, Jackie. I really appreciate your reply and thoughts.

Just to hear that someone experiences the same really helps, though I of course wish your husband didn't have to suffer it either :(

Thanks ever so much.x

[Rennie1989]

I'm going to have to disagree with the others.

The more you avoid situations because of anxiety symptoms the worse that situation will make you feel and the more situations you will start to avoid. Accept that you could not fly today, I have avoided situations like that in the past, but try to face it again in the future. Remember that arm and back pain and nausea are ONLY symptoms of ANXIETY. They are harmless, they won't hurt you. If you eat little and drink sips you won't be sick, take some painkillers if the pain is uncomfortable, but there's nothing physically wrong with you to cause those symptoms but anxiety.

Sorry if I'm coming across harsh or unsympathetic. I am giving you this advice so you can live as normally as possible

[debs71]

I'm going to have to disagree with the others.

The more you avoid situations because of anxiety symptoms the worse that situation will make you feel and the more situations you will start to avoid. Accept that you could not fly today, I have avoided situations like that in the past, but try to face it again in the future. Remember that arm and back pain and nausea are ONLY symptoms of ANXIETY. They are harmless, they won't hurt you. If you eat little and drink sips you won't be sick, take some painkillers if the pain is uncomfortable, but there's nothing physically wrong with you to cause those symptoms but anxiety.

Sorry if I'm coming across harsh or unsympathetic. I am giving you this advice so you can live as normally as possible

I agree with what you say, Rennie1989, I honestly do, strange as that sounds. That is why I am annoyed with myself.

I dithered for a long time before deciding to call it off as I was totally in two minds, but the overriding sticking point for me was my back. I took heaps of pain killers with little relief. Though I am certain that this is anxiety driven, I have been tense for days and the pain is very much there, so though it is anxiety, it is also actual pain. I've travelled for the past 15 years by myself without a hitch, and have never backed out despite my anxiety. My worry was lifting my bags, which nobody helps you with these days.

A big part of me thinks I could have done it, and that is my frustration. But at the same time I am cutting myself at least SOME slack as I have managed my anxiety and panic for 2 years without treatment, facing situations when feeling intensely edgy at the same time. I don't generally allow the anxiety to beat me.

I am allowing myself this glitch for that reason.

Thanks for your input.

[Rennie1989]

Don't beat yourself over it. We all gets these days where we relapse, that's the process of recovery. Just think to yourself 'OK, I couldn't do it today, but I WILL do it next time.'

By the way, well done on managing your anxiety for that long, that's amazing! Remind yourself that you have come this far, any slip up is a drop in the ocean to what you've already achieved.

[jackie13]

Hi hun

How are you feeling today?

Luv & hugs
Jackie x

[debs71]

Hi Jackie,

Thank you for asking. I am not having a good day today. I woke up feeling anxious and just lay in bed for an hour trying to get myself together, but I just feel so tearful today. My back pain is better, but my emotions are a mess.

I have just had a big panic attack. My neighbour is doing noisy building work and I just couldn't stand the noise and hyperventilated myself into a panic.

I feel such a wreck. I was doing ok up to the last 3 weeks and I am as bad now as I was 9 years ago when I first became unwell with depression/anxiety.

I'm trying to tell myself that this is side effects from restarting Cipralex after a long time off it. I just feel terrified.

I am trying to occupy my brain and keep busy as I know this is the best way to handle things.

Thank you for your post Jackie. It means so, so much to me.xx