My panic attacks are back :-(

[Bonnibelle]

I knew it was too good to be true. I had been doing so well. I was attacked last September and I developed anxiety, panic and agoraphobia. I was in a bad way for about 8 months. Recently things had been going so well. I was going out again, I could go out alone, with my children and with my husband. I had started going to events, meals out, parties.... things were so muchr better. Only a week ago I thought to myself how great my life was now and how far I had come. I felt so proud of myself for getting better.

I had worked hard, reading books, doing the panic workbooks online and I had been putting everything into practice. Then last week I developed a cold, stupidly I went out to Boots on the second day of my cold. I suddenly felt faint in the shop, the lights were so bright and at the till it triggered a panic attack like no other. In the past I had shakes and a fast heart in shops and when going out which I learnt to deal with. My fear always was fainting but slowly I learnt to get over that fear when out and things got so much easier, I felt I had my life back. This panic in Boots though it was like a bad rush to my head, my head felt heavy, I felt I couldn't breath and I felt i would drop to the floor at any second. I went so light headed I felt I would faint. The lady at the till noticed and asked if i was ok, I just said I was ill and felt a bit faint :-(

I so wish I didn't go out that day, I was so silly, I was ill I should have known I wasn't up to going out. Now since then I have had 3 trips to the shops and each time the panic has hit and I have had again the same horrible rush to my head, I feel I can't breath and might faint. Today I had a parcel delivered, I know the parcel guy, we are friends and of course this made it worse as I didn't want him to notice I was having a panic attack. I had 2 parcels delivered this week, one yesterday and another today. Yesterday I was ok, shaky but I signed and was able to make conversation. Today though I was shaking knowing he was delivering today, he arrived and I felt shaky, anxious and again huge rush to my head and I feel I can't take a breath :-( I signed and couldn't make any conversation, I managed to say Goodbye. I literally froze. I got in and just sat on the stairs crying, now I know I am slipping because this is how I used to feel when I had any deliveries or had men near me. I didn't trust any men other than my husband after my brother attacked me.

I know it is panic but this heavy faint feeling in my head and feel I can't breath is just terrifying and now my agoraphobia is back worse than before. I can feel myself slipping badly and I am sat here crying that my world is going to be taken from me again

I have 3 young children, they have seen me go through agoraphobia and they were little angels. They gave me the high five when I went out, the hugs and kisses when I started going out again. I felt guilty they knew but they aren't babies, they knew I had panic and couldn't go out which broke my heart but they also heard had an idea of what I had been through that caused it. I felt such a terrible mother, like I had let them down and just when I thought I had turned a corner this hits :-(

I just needed to type this all out. I have noone other than my best friend that understands. My husband tries but it is hard when they haven't suffered, he is the least anxious person i have ever met which I love, it helps that he is like that but it also makes it hard as he has no understanding of what I am going through.

I just feel I have failed after 4 good months and having a life again. I was going shopping, Costa, meals out, Aldi with my husband, parties with my husband etc.... I couldn't do much alone but Costa, little shops, be around people again and trust men again, not scared of delivery men calling etc.... I also had a strong head, I had cut off my brother for 12 months, I let him apologise but made it clear that was it, I don't want him in my life. I had become in control and was loving my life again but now because this heavy headed, faint feeling is so new and frightening, my agoraphobia is spiraling again

[apm]

It's hard when it comes back, especially when you have been doing so well! Just don't forget that it's just a blip, part of your journey towards recovery: there will probably be others, but you can deal with those too. It WILL get better!

Keep the faith,

Alex.

[nomorepanic]

There will always be episodes like this - it is how we deal with them that matters.

I just think "oh well it is just a blip" and go out and do the same thing again over and over and it does get better.

Don't beat yourself up over it, just push it aside and carry on.

[sarahmj]

Hi, This has recently happened to me. I was greatly improving with my anxiety and agorophobia, I was able to walk into town on my own without feeling too bad. However the other week I was getting over a migraine and stupidly decided to go out, halfway into town I started feeling faint and dizzy and had a major panic attack. Luckily I was meeting my Mum in town and we went to a cafe and I managed to calm down enough to do the shopping. Now ever since then I`m finding it a major struggle to walk into town, it feels like I`ve had a major setback in my recovery. I`m hoping that after doing this walk a few times I`ll eventually stop panicking about it. I`m sure these blips will keep happening but I`m sure we`ll get over them and keep going. Hugs to you.
Sarah

[xvolatileheart]

I'm so sorry you're having a set back. I completely empathise with struggling to do with new symptoms because we at least become used to the ones we know, whereas the new ones feel so overwhelming and scary. Panic has a horrible way of finding our vulnerabilities and exploiting them.

With that said, I agree with everyone that this is just a blip and you are going to bounce back! You've done so well the past few months, and you can absolutely do it again.

[Bonnibelle]

Thank you all so much, your replies mean a lot to me. It helps when people understand what you're feeling.

Have any if you felt that heavy headed faint feeling? I feel the adrenaline making my legs shake then my head goes heavy, light headed and I feel heavy in my chest like I can't breath:( I get so scared I might faint. Horrible.

I hope it's just a blip, I honestly thought I was strong enough to cope if I had a set back but obviously not:( I'm so scared about going shops now. This time last year I was in a bad way, it's horrible feeling like this again. I thought this year Christmas would be perfect and it was lovely being well and now I'm scared I'm going to let my children down again:( they've just got their happy mum back:( xx

[sarahmj]

Hi, Yeah that`s exactly how I feel when I start panicking. My legs go really wobbly and I feel faint and lightheaded which just makes the panic worse because I think I`m going to collapse. My throat and chest gets really tight too. What helps me if I really start panicking when I`m out alone is ringing someone, it`s a helpful distraction and you don`t feel so alone. I`m worrying too that my setback that I just had is going to take me back to square one again but I`m trying to think positive. x

[Bonnibelle]

I'm sorry to hear you're suffering to Sarah, it's a horrible condition.

Yes I used to ring my hubby when I was attempting shops or Costa which was helpful but I've tried it this week and it hadn't helped me like in the past:/

I hope this passes for us both soon xx

[suki300]

I always think it's such a shock when panic attacks and anxiety comes back, because when you've gone through it the first time, you think it won't come back and that's it. Because no-one says anxiety can sometimes be a bit cyclical, you're never prepared and it can be such a send down. The frustration that you thought you combated it - only to realise it rear's it's ugly head when you least expect it

I think you have to become a bit philosophical about it. The positive thing is that even though it might not seem right brilliant that it has returned, it's not the end of the world. It will go and there might be times when you slip back, but it makes you a stronger person.

We hide it because we're ashamed sometimes - especially to random people like the delivery man, but the fact is, no-one knows. He might have gone through the same thing even. Think how many people do you know that you've ever seen have a panic attack in public? The fact is we all hide it very well. In reality there are lots of people going through the same thing. One out of every ten people will be doing exactly the same thing you do and feeling the same way when they go out to the shopping centre or wherever.

It's a learning curve, you haven't failed, you are going through the processes that will help you get rid of it and it will help you to become a stronger person. I know it feels like a huge knockback, but I found the second time wasn't as bad as the first and although I had bad moment, that was when I really learnt to cope with the anxiety - it was like becoming a parent for the second time.


Now, I have fleeting moments in the supermarket, but I can talk m yself round quite quickly. There is the odd thing, like my phobia of flying, but it is nowhere near as debilitating.

This is just a patch and you will get to enjopy life again. Try not to be too harsh on yourself and one step at a time, reduce the pressure you are putting on yourself.

[Bonnibelle]

Thank you Suki, I really hope you're right and this set back isn't going to be as bad as I think. I just don't know where to start to get a grip of it this time.

Thanks again xx