I knew it was too good to be true. I had been doing so well. I was attacked last September and I developed anxiety, panic and agoraphobia. I was in a bad way for about 8 months. Recently things had been going so well. I was going out again, I could go out alone, with my children and with my husband. I had started going to events, meals out, parties.... things were so muchr better. Only a week ago I thought to myself how great my life was now and how far I had come. I felt so proud of myself for getting better.

I had worked hard, reading books, doing the panic workbooks online and I had been putting everything into practice. Then last week I developed a cold, stupidly I went out to Boots on the second day of my cold. I suddenly felt faint in the shop, the lights were so bright and at the till it triggered a panic attack like no other. In the past I had shakes and a fast heart in shops and when going out which I learnt to deal with. My fear always was fainting but slowly I learnt to get over that fear when out and things got so much easier, I felt I had my life back. This panic in Boots though it was like a bad rush to my head, my head felt heavy, I felt I couldn't breath and I felt i would drop to the floor at any second. I went so light headed I felt I would faint. The lady at the till noticed and asked if i was ok, I just said I was ill and felt a bit faint :-(

I so wish I didn't go out that day, I was so silly, I was ill I should have known I wasn't up to going out. Now since then I have had 3 trips to the shops and each time the panic has hit and I have had again the same horrible rush to my head, I feel I can't breath and might faint. Today I had a parcel delivered, I know the parcel guy, we are friends and of course this made it worse as I didn't want him to notice I was having a panic attack. I had 2 parcels delivered this week, one yesterday and another today. Yesterday I was ok, shaky but I signed and was able to make conversation. Today though I was shaking knowing he was delivering today, he arrived and I felt shaky, anxious and again huge rush to my head and I feel I can't take a breath :-( I signed and couldn't make any conversation, I managed to say Goodbye. I literally froze. I got in and just sat on the stairs crying, now I know I am slipping because this is how I used to feel when I had any deliveries or had men near me. I didn't trust any men other than my husband after my brother attacked me.

I know it is panic but this heavy faint feeling in my head and feel I can't breath is just terrifying and now my agoraphobia is back worse than before. I can feel myself slipping badly and I am sat here crying that my world is going to be taken from me again

I have 3 young children, they have seen me go through agoraphobia and they were little angels. They gave me the high five when I went out, the hugs and kisses when I started going out again. I felt guilty they knew but they aren't babies, they knew I had panic and couldn't go out which broke my heart but they also heard had an idea of what I had been through that caused it. I felt such a terrible mother, like I had let them down and just when I thought I had turned a corner this hits :-(

I just needed to type this all out. I have noone other than my best friend that understands. My husband tries but it is hard when they haven't suffered, he is the least anxious person i have ever met which I love, it helps that he is like that but it also makes it hard as he has no understanding of what I am going through.

I just feel I have failed after 4 good months and having a life again. I was going shopping, Costa, meals out, Aldi with my husband, parties with my husband etc.... I couldn't do much alone but Costa, little shops, be around people again and trust men again, not scared of delivery men calling etc.... I also had a strong head, I had cut off my brother for 12 months, I let him apologise but made it clear that was it, I don't want him in my life. I had become in control and was loving my life again but now because this heavy headed, faint feeling is so new and frightening, my agoraphobia is spiraling again