Winning the war

[NoPoet]

Hi all, it's been a long time since I posted on No More Panic. I joined in 2009 when my anxiety and depression got out of control and destroyed my life. I went through hell for months before I started to gradually feel slightly better. I've had medication, hypnotherapy, counselling and CBT, with varying degrees of success: the medication was effective against depression, the CBT has helped with the anxiety.

It turns out I have asperger syndrome (a form of autism). My life started to make sense. Suddenly I was making giant leaps in my recovery. I've been in a relationship for a few months and I have become a popular, productive member of the team at work*. My IQ seems to have gone up by 40 points since I am no longer preoccupied with my problems (mainly because most of them have been resolved!) and I am now, finally, making significant progress in my quest to be an author. All of this has taken a lot of hard work where before I'd give in and avoid things or stay in bed.

I am cross-tapering off mirtazapine and onto sertraline 50mg, the lowest dose. Today is day two. Some of the unpleasantly familiar SSRi side effects are back, but I feel pretty confident that I am ready for them.

If people are interested I might pop back here now and again to record my progress of life on the lowest dose of meds: will I relapse like I did in 2011, or have I finally become strong enough to make it? And why am I making this sound like a low-rent reality show?

*I hope so anyway; I'm not allowed to join in when they do crosswords because I keep shouting the answers out while people are still reading the questions.

[bernie1977]

Good luck psychopoet hope things go well for you on sertraline. Look forward to reading about your continued progress, I love a good reality show!!

[Pcdaft]

Well done x

[NoPoet]

Thanks Bernie1977 and PCDaft

I mentioned aspergers not just because of its relevance to me, but because it makes me notice side effects a lot more - I sort of get them in 3D, with surround sound, in full HD. That's the main part I might need support with, but so far it's been nowhere near as bad as cit, and remember I am tapering off mirt at the same time

PS Anxiety can kiss my cheeks

[Tessar]

It's really good to hear you describe how well you are doing PsychoPoet.... Your post is a pleasure to read and very heartwarming too. You are to be congratulated on your perseverance is to be commended. 'm so pleased you took the time to come back and let us know how you are doing,

[Emphyrio]

Good luck! Was wondering if you're still taking inositol? Also, was wondering the rationale for switching from mirt to sert? Apologies if you've already posted in other threads.

[AuntieMoosie]

Hi all, it's been a long time since I posted on No More Panic. I joined in 2009 when my anxiety and depression got out of control and destroyed my life. I went through hell for months before I started to gradually feel slightly better. I've had medication, hypnotherapy, counselling and CBT, with varying degrees of success: the medication was effective against depression, the CBT has helped with the anxiety.

It turns out I have asperger syndrome (a form of autism). My life started to make sense. Suddenly I was making giant leaps in my recovery. I've been in a relationship for a few months and I have become a popular, productive member of the team at work*. My IQ seems to have gone up by 40 points since I am no longer preoccupied with my problems (mainly because most of them have been resolved!) and I am now, finally, making significant progress in my quest to be an author. All of this has taken a lot of hard work where before I'd give in and avoid things or stay in bed.

I am cross-tapering off mirtazapine and onto sertraline 50mg, the lowest dose. Today is day two. Some of the unpleasantly familiar SSRi side effects are back, but I feel pretty confident that I am ready for them.

If people are interested I might pop back here now and again to record my progress of life on the lowest dose of meds: will I relapse like I did in 2011, or have I finally become strong enough to make it? And why am I making this sound like a low-rent reality show?

*I hope so anyway; I'm not allowed to join in when they do crosswords because I keep shouting the answers out while people are still reading the questions.

Well done PsychoPoet

I enjoy reading your posts very much, they make lots of sense to me and I can relate to them

You're not going to relapse, you're going to be just fine and, at the end of the day, having a little blip here and there is nothing to fear, I still have them sometimes, so long as you can pick yourself back up and carrying on where you were, it's all fine

Please do keep coming in and updated your thread, I think so many people will get inspiration, comfort and education from reading your posts and I would really miss you if you weren't around, you're such a big part of our NMP family

I wish you all the very best in everything that you do, go on...............you CAN do it

[NoPoet]

Thank you everyone Have an OK sign from me

Right, let's get this crap on the road, as the backstreet car dealer said to the customer buying a clocked Vauxhall Astra in 1998.

I take my mirtazapine/sertraline (mirt/sert!) at night. The first night saw that horribly familiar feeling of pressure in my head, heightened anxiety taking me from 4/10 (normally my background anxiety is 1-2 out of 10 but I was nervous about mucking with the meds) to about 7/10. I kept feeling a false sense of pressure in the chest which made me breathe much heavier but recognise this as an anxiety response I get when starting an SSRI.

The next day I had to work. It's only part time, but I was feeling twitchy, restless and I thought I was feeling depressed, but it was only fear. I got through work by spending most of the time proof-reading a friend's novel; I need my mind to be constantly occupied, especially when anxious, but that's normal for an aspie so it doesn't worry me. I actually felt quite positive when leaving work which shocked me and made me do a Fonzie smile and think "EEEEEE"

I went out with my mate, alternating between feeling happy and dark, with the darkness again being a kind of over-reaching fear of what might happen now I'm changing meds, and remembering how ill I was in 2009. I started getting dizziness and derealisation since mirt has a short half-life and my body is fighting it off.

I consistently repeated my mantra "I am healthy, I am normal, I am safe" which brought me back to reality in a good way (this helped me when I used to feel agoraphobic too - note the "used to", I've made good progress in beating that too).

I was worried about seeing my GF who I haven't seen in two weeks, and drove down there actually rehearsing how I would tell her I'm on anxiety/depression medication, but ended up not needing to tell her anything - it was a fantastic weekend with her and her family and I didn't have any noticeable side effects.

The tl;dr of this is, if I were taking 20mg of cit I would feel like total crud now, but I've been there before, this medication suits me far better and even though it's only been three days, I am weathering the storm of side effects... well, it's not a storm, it's barely even a gentle shower.

Things might get tougher next week when I go to alternate days on mirtazapine. I don't normally endorse coming off meds like this but bugger it, I'm coming off this stuff and losing three stone, if I am not strong enough to handle the withdrawal effects after everything I've been through, well it won't be impressive.

EDIT: Ooh I forgot! I am starting to feel a slightly broader range of emotions and have more nervous energy, not sure if it's because I know I'm coming off mirt or if its sedating effects are wearing off. Emotional overload is actually a risk for an aspergers person as it can lead to burnout and feelings of depression, but this is what God gave me and I intend to learn how to make it work.

[NoPoet]

Hi everyone, been taking the mirt/sert combo since Friday night with no major issues to report. I've got an increase in nervous energy and feel a bit more anxious. I find myself needing that little bit of extra reassurance, and I am talking a bit faster, with more energy again.

The good news is, this peaked on day one and has remained at a fairly low level since. It isn't getting better, but it is not getting worse. This is actually impressive when you consider that I am changing meds. If you read my original posts on NMP, I'm taking this a million times better than I did back then, so this proves people can go through the same crap without breaking.

I was really worried about what happens when I start alternating mirt doses soon but it's been ok this far, I've made it through the little blips, so if anything bigger comes along I've got phasers set to kill

EDIT: I know people shouldn't do this but I had a quick look online at other peoples' mirt experiences and they seemed to have a much harder time than I am. Kind of makes me suspicious...

[NoPoet]

Hi, I'm not sure if anyone is finding this thread useful but it's helpful to me!

Right, I am now a week into the cross-taper from mirt to sert. My average anxiety level is 5-6 out of 10. Before it was probably about 2. The anxiety is a lot worse in the morning and I feel a bit paranoid about what people are saying about me, which I haven't actually cared about for months (for the first time in my life), so I've trotted out the well-established coping strategies and they are helping. I recognise the "artificial" nature of my anxiety so I know it's the medication, which also helps. Nothing wrong with bringing a bit of light into dark places. The only worry is that I felt worse this morning than I have done for a while... but it's dark and cold and rainy, so who knows.

Not only is this anxiety a side-effect of the cross-taper, it also comes down to my overwhelming fear of going back to how I used to be (relapse into depression). I shouldn't have such a fear at this point in my recovery so that's something to work on to prevent relapse.

Knowing that my depression stems from years of anxiety is a blessing as I now recognise that what I think of as depression is possibly nothing short of black, cold fear, and I realise now that there is no reason for it - no need for it.

I am having no sleep disturbances and my appetite has returned to normal, so I have lost a little bit of weight. I have more nervous energy so I'm not as tired and am getting more work done.

EDIT: My doctor only gave me 18 tablets and told me to reduce from 30mg to 15mg straight away, which I have, but next week he wants me to alternate 15mg and nothing, so instead I'm dropping to 7.5mg every day starting tonight. Wish me luck!