♥ trying to have hope
♥ needed a place to come to where I won't feel judged.
Hello,
I am 20 years old from Canada and I don't even know what is wrong with me anymore. I was given medication through out my preteen years for ADD, and Bipolar. I was admitted to psychwards for panic attacks, and self harm at 15. I have been self medicating for years with alcohol and drugs instead of actually dealing with my problems. I've ended up in jail, in a group home, couch surfing and homeless. I've burned bridges, lost friends and partners, my family has disowned me, kicked me to the curb. I used to be in the emergency room, or the drunk tank every night because I got alcohol poisoning, and or acted out, tried to hurt someone else, or myself. My life has been a down ward spiral these last few years, and I am slowly getting better within time. I have a supportive partner and somewhere I can call home.
But lately things have been rough, I have had mental breakdowns, stress out about money, and my medical situation, mental health is poor, and I worry too much about the past. I either sleep too much or too little. I cried for no reason, I wanted help so I got a family doctor and he has prescribed me Escitalopram, and Aripiprazole. So far it hasn't been fun. I have just started, and I know I should give it time, but my anxiety and motivation has gotten worse. Just tonight I went to go outside with my partner to walk the dog I didn't even make it down the street. I felt a sense of relief when I got through the front door, I felt panic, and fear run through my body. I was terrified of having a panic attack, I almost felt like running back to the apartment when I was almost there, because It felt so far away. I put my hand on my chest as I stood on the front porch and my heart was racing. Anxiety hasn't been a huge problem for me since I was younger. I've always been really antisocial and won't go anywhere without my boyfriend unless I'm drinking.
I guess now maybe without the social lubricant (booze) I feel more vulnerable in social situations. I've been through quite a lot. and I guess you can say I put myself through a lot of shit over the last few years, which is traumatizing for me when I really think of things that have happened to me. It's almost triggering in a way. I've been treated like absolute crap by people, I don't have many friends, and I'm not really good at making friends either. I constantly feel like everyone hates me and Is out to get me. Because I know a lot of people judge me on my past. I've been working on letting things go, because I know it plays a huge role on my mental health, but It's easier said than done most of the time.
I know I haven't coped with anything in a healthy manner, and I know now It's starting to overwhelm me (well I guess It has always overwhelmed me) I can hardly handle any amount of stress. My relationships usually always go to shit... I get too attached, terrified of loosing them , I become possessive, and extremely jealous over ridiculous things , I lash out at my partner a lot, and expect too much out of him. Sometimes I become verbal, and even physically abusive towards him without even really having any intentions of hurting him . & It makes me feel like shit every time I realize what I said/done. I am really impulsive. I know I hold a lot of anger inside of me towards a lot of my past, and people.
I've been jumped a couple of times, and I'm in constant fear of someone trying to hurt me. I become really paranoid If I think I see someone that has a problem with me, and especially If I do see someone who does. I feel like need to look over my shoulders, or get away from wherever I am. I am hostile most of the time, and I have really low self esteem. I'm full of regret, and shame. & I know I beat myself up way too much. I feel alone, like I'm on the outside looking In. I have really low self esteem , and I don't find myself attractive what so ever. I feel the need to change myself, and often I wish I was someone else.
For the longest time I was scared of commitment, I would cheat in relationships with people I didn't care about, and become distant. I have a hard time trusting the person I'm with. I always feel like someone better will come a long, or they will end up hurting me, or abandoning me, I guess I have daddy issues to thank for that haha.
As a child I felt like I was always just there, sort of in the background I guess. My mother stayed with a man who was emotionally abusive to me, and at time unnecessarily physical with me. He would lie, or blame it on my misbehavior. I always felt like a burden on my family, like they didn't really give a shit about me. When they did talk to me It wasn't out of love, It was out of discipline and frustration. They kind of just handed me off to professionals who were paid to care. My father never really cared about having conversations with me, he would just lecture me. He was a hotheaded ******* who only cared about sports, beer, and work. He paid more attention to my younger brothers. My mom and I moved a lot for different men. When there was stability It didn't last very long. When I was younger she worked a lot because she was single mother for the first few years before she had my brothers. I have never met my biological father so because of that I felt like I was abandoned before I was even born. I used to spend library on the computers searching for my father at school, my mom wouldn't even tell me his real name until I got older.
I haven't really had a father figure in my life and when I hit puberty me and mother started butting heads. It hurts to not be close to any of my family members.
I feel like I have no motivation, I know I'm worst enemy. I just feel like I'm falling apart. I wasted so much time getting wasted, and partying, and Now I have no skills, I'm mentally screwed up, and all I want is to be happy.
I know I need help, but I have so many issues, I don't even know where to start.
I guess you could say I have a lot of problems haha.
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